Be Still and Know That I Am God, a True Thanksgiving Message.

Psalm 46:10

Upon first hearing this verse, I felt a feeling of relief, confidence, I felt that I could finally take one long deep breath without flinching.

Today, Sunday, my ride arrived late and decided to take the longest scenic route ever because his GPS was smarter than human logic.  Sunday morning =  no traffic on the freeways, yet the GPS insisted that there was less traffic if we traveled by side street.  :/  Prior to leaving I find out that my brother, Kat, and his friends were going to dim sum this morning.  They rarely wake up early on a weekend.  I should've known.  I was upset only because I thought that it was something I'd be invited to attend once they went out again because he knows I love dim sum.  I couldn't accept the last invite because I was hospitalized for my toe.  My brother hasn't invited me to go anywhere, but he's been going out a little more, to eat, go to movies, etc etc.  blah blah blah...soooo bottom line is that I had a bad morning and was getting crankier as it went on.

I heard the verse pop up in the back of my mind.  "Be still and know that I am God.".  Realistically I didn't want to be still, I wanted to growl, punch, kick (if I could), jump, and scream to release the frustration and anger.  But I couldn't.  I begged for God to calm  me and let me make it to church.  I knew I would be o.k. if I made it to church.  I did....and I was fine.  Then God answered me.

Today's sermon was about how we carry ourselves in times of frustration, anxiousness, fear, sadness, grief, anger, and whatever else you might be experiencing that hinders you from the joy and peace that God promises.  If we waste time worrying, then we lose that much more time that could be spent praying.  If we worry about the things that we can't control, then inadvertently we should release these and pray that God would take control.  Not of just the situation but of our minds.  He won't make the troubles disappear but can provide peace while we whether the storms that we're sailing through.

Having a relationship with God is not normal, usual, regimented.  This is the separation that the world knows as a result of the first sin.  Whether you believe that or not is entirely up to you, but it's a part of my faith which is very real.  Separation is real....back to the topic.  In order to have a relationship with God, a conscientious choice must be made to seek Him, converse with Him, accept Him, trust Him, and ultimately, return the love that He already has for us.  

When you find and focus on the things that are right about a situation, like say an annoying co-worker or a busy schedule,  and release the unknown to the Almighty, then you can find a way to shift worry to prayer.  You can be still and know that He is God and know that He is with you.  Meditate on these things.

Today ended with good advice.  I found a book while shopping which summed up the "forgiveness cycle" like this:

A. Recall the hurt
B. Empathize and try to understand the act from the perpetrator's perspective
C. Be altruistic by recalling a time you were forgiven
D. Put your forgiveness into words - in a letter to be sent or NEVER sent
E. Don't dwell

  ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice....

And the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:1-9

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 ⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. 

In all things give thanks.  I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. :)

There is no need...

..to lock your heart away.



I had a great workout the other day.  Towards the end I watched my therapist perform an evaluation for a new gym member.  She was injured 6 months before me and like most others that are injured in a similar time frame she's leaps and bounds beyond me in terms of moving on.  They drive, live on their own, take care of themselves for the most part and maybe, because life deems it necessary.  If you have kids, a spouse, a life long goal awaiting to be reached, or something else worth living for, those things seem to perpetuate you forward to do your best.  I lack focus sometimes and dwell on life daily.    I am attracted to my therapist, but not in a romantic way.  It's more like a "bromance".  LOL.  We get a long well, the dialog flows well, the jokes are abundant and time seems to disappear when we have therapy sessions.  I'm wise enough to know that we are just friends and I'm beyond grateful to have him as a therapist.


So the evaluation continues and a part of me, as usual, gets a teeny bit jealous.  Then I overhear him talk about getting her up into her leg braces and into a standing frame (an aide to help one stand for many health benefits).  My green eye monster subsides back into where it belongs, hidden away, and I start to think, "Why hasn't he ever brought up the subject of getting me up and standing?".  I know I need to have my bones checked first so I don't damage them.  (If you haven't stood for awhile you risk the chance of having soft bones and connective tissues, making the possibility of damage/fractures more real.)  The last thing I need is a broken leg. Ugh!  


My emotions started to get the best of me.  Maybe he thinks I won't be able to fully recover or stand.  Is it a quiet way to get me to do my best though he thinks I'd never walk?  I have a solid belief that this injury is temporary and a foolishly hopeful mind that thinks all things are possible.  Each spinal cord injury is different and recovery is just as unique for each individual .  I'm impatient, what can I say?


Rehabilitation is a multifaceted event which requires physical, emotional, and mental strength.  You have to want it bad enough to go after it everyday and still I struggle to find the reason.  Each workout makes me feel stronger, more capable, closer to independence once again, and then....I over think things and that's a fact well known to my closest friends.  I'm the epitome of a self-saboteur.  Most of it's mental and I don't share my over-thinking as much as I used to because it eventually subsides back into it's hidden place, back where the negative emotions lie dormant waiting for a catalyst.


I think of love, independence, peace, God's plan for my journey and all I can do is take it one day at a time.  Helping others makes me happy and I've begun to get involved with more fundraising events to help others who are disabled/wheelchair bound.  I don't want it to be a tool that gets me by because I know I genuinely love helping others.  I just need to find my focus.  There are days in which silently loving and caring for others frees me from my thoughts and I'm grateful that so many love me the same way.  I do my best not to take it for granted.  If you still yourself and meditate on things that are happening all around you, you'll see how blessed you are.  This thought process encourages me to keep going.  

So I try not to lock my heart away.  I choose to not be jaded, to be happy, open, to smile, even through these tough moments that last seconds but seem like an eternity....

It's A Love Hate Thing

As I peruse the internet for awesome Halloween makeup tutorials, because frankly I don't think about wheelchair-based costumes, I'm sipping on a Captain & Coke Zero.  The irony. 

After a super stressful day at work, new position and all, I left work stressed.  I have loads on my mind like bills that need to be paid, namely my lawyer's bill, bills I can't neglect, financial budgeting for physical therapy, paperwork I need to request early termination of probation and a probable expungement of my record, my blood sugar levels, cleaning and all the other day to day chores to name a few.

I left work stressed, made it to PT and left feeling great!  I was singing, I was tired, I was happy it was Friday.  TGIF!  On my way home, I made my usual stop to CVS (because I hate passing the area where I was hit by the car) and bought some Captain Morgain.  I'm a sucker for a Cap'n & Coke.  Then I saw that cigarettes were on sale and I bought a pack "just because".  I have started smoking again. blech, and am in the process of quitting again.....

I smoked on and off for years before I moved home and quit a few months prior to my accident seeing that I had finally become a gym rat and all.  I didn't smoke for about 2 years post injury because they had deflated one of my lungs and I wanted to give it the best possible chances for recovery.  Then one day, I had one of "those" days and it started again.  sigh.

I love my body enough to workout twice weekly with a therapist specializing in the paralysis population, but then do this kind of crap.  It's not awesome but how counter productive. 

Lately I've also thought about the prospect of dating.  I found a free e-Harmony app on my iPad and decided to fill it out.  I was honest about the paralysis and have had some prospects.  I'm too cheap to pay for a monthly membership right now because I really am NOT looking for anything long term right now.  Although I wouldn't be opposed to meeting someone and seeing where a friendship/relationship would end up.  lol.

I Don't Belong Here.....Not!

I have a circle of friends which consists of about 7 ladies.  In the last 4 years, 3 of these women have gotten married, and one more will be married within the month.  I was the Maid of Honor for my best friend's wedding last month and can now say that I know what insanity is involved when it comes to wedding preparations.  It has been a domino effect of "I do's".

It started with M.  We all flew out for her wedding in Chicago in 2008.  Incidentally, that was my last big hoorah before my life would be flipped upside down.  The week after her wedding, I would be surrendering myself to the authorities to accept punishment for my DUI.  Things went on, I came home after a day and months later, I was hit by the car which caused my paralysis.  In late 2010, SR got married, this year U, my BFF, got married in July, and next month SG will be getting married.  Whew!

This year the recent nuptial pandemic ,known to me, includes Prince William & Kate Middleton, a childhood friend's cousin which is basically my family, and an old friend from work who's been waiting almost a lifetime to commit (again) to marriage.

How can I NOT think about marriage, I'm surrounded, lol.

I have a FB friend that suffered the same level of injury as me but is 7 years post accident.  She cries a lot and wonders why anyone would ever marry her or anyone in our situation.  Her disability has become her identity and I've reminded her, as I have reminded myself hundreds of times, that your identity is not the chair, that you're still who you were before the accident.  She has had miraculous recovery.  "Sparing" is a term used by physical therapists and is said to be the amount of nerve recovery one experiences after surgical swelling goes down ( the most immediate effect ) and after years of recovery/rehabilitation, when nerves have had time to regrow (the long term effect).  They grow slowly, but with constant therapy and a strong will, the body seems to bounce back a little faster.  Every accident is like a snowflake, not a one is the same as someone else's.  No one knows how long it takes to recover fully, some do (a rare few) and some don't.  We keep pushing on knowing that if we don't take care of our bodies, that we will whither and die.  This girl has recovered feeling in both legs and is able to move her upper thighs a bit.  She's incredible and has an iron will to walk, but still thinks she's not good enough for someone to love.

If it's about the journey, then you can't stop loving yourself when a setback occurs.  Setbacks happen all through out this journey called life.  I have survived a car accident, paralysis, diabetes, a shredded toe, a broken heart, lost friends, but God has more than compensated me for these losses.  What I've been given is priceless, the love of true friends, a mended family that cares for me, a sense of purpose, a love of myself, great growth and wisdom that would've otherwise taken me years to learn, determination, and a sense of who my maker is.  He holds my hand daily and encourages me to go forward.  All these things are payable forward if you choose to do so.

So don't stop....anything.  Live, love, laugh, and trust that God will bring you towards your purpose.  Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you.

If you've given up, you've missed the point.

The Lord afflicts His servants—to glorify Himself, for He is greatly glorified in the graces of His people, which are His own handiwork. "We rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope!" The Lord is honored by these growing virtues.

We would never know the music of the harp—if the strings were left untouched. We would never enjoy the juice of the grape—if it were not trodden in the winepress. We would never discover the sweet perfume of cinnamon—if it were not pressed and beaten. We would never feel the warmth of fire—if the coals were not utterly consumed. The wisdom and power of the great Workman are revealed by the trials through which His vessels of mercy are permitted to pass.

Present afflictions tend also to heighten future joy. There must be dark shadows in the picture—to bring out the beauty of the lights. Could we be so supremely blessed in Heaven—if we had not known the curse of sin and the sorrow of earth?

Will not peace be sweeter—after conflict?

Will not rest be more welcome—after toil?

Will not the bliss of the glorified—be enhanced by the recollection of past sufferings?

Really, something else?

Physical injury strikes again.  Two weeks ago I was heading down for some PT at C.O.R.E., a new gym that I'm attending for physical therapy.  I go at times when nobody is around to drop me off or pick me up so I've been using the motorized chair more than usual.  I was in such a hurry that I switched from my manual chair to my power chair and didn't put the strap around my legs to keep them from falling towards the sides.  

Well I hit a bump in the road at some point which caused my left foot to fall off the footplate and it ended up getting trapped under the wheel mechanism.  It was just enough that my foot wasn't crushed or fractured but it was enough to cause my foot to have friction between the wheel and the asphalt.  I heard a noise like when a plastic bag gets caught on the car and drags so I decided to check out the bottom of the chair.  I looked and saw something black under the wheels.  I thought I ran over a black shoe than realized that it was MY black shoe.  God only knows how long I had dragged my foot for but by the time I showed up to the gym, I was leaving a trail of blood and began to make a pool of blood right there.  I asked them to come out and help because I didn't want to bring a mess inside.  Turns out that I had shaved my big toe down to the bone.  BLECH!

Thankfully my therapist is well skilled when it comes to Emergency Medical Response.  He elevated my foot, put pressure on the toe and got me some water and fruit (because I'm a diabetic).  911 was called and the paramedics arrived and verified that nothing was broken.  Ollie took me to Northridge E.R. and stayed with me for awhile.  I was transferred to Cedars where I got a healthy vigorous dose of I.V. antibiotics.  Some bone was visible and I ended up being hospitalized for 1 week to make sure that the bone didn't get infected by anything on the ground.  After a week of I.V. antibiotics, about 15 movies, a diabetic hospital meal plan, I was able to go home without surgery and oral antibiotics.  I'm thankful that I can't feel the pain as my foot heals, but then again if I could have felt my foot, I probably wouldn't have been in this predicament in the first place, right?

Another day in the life of me.

We Know Drama

My menstrual cycle was pretty nuts as a kid which was the cause of me taking birth control pills at around 13 years old.  The cycle was either on for 3 consecutive months or off for 6 months.  I later learned that high body fat content is read as excess estrogen and therefore the body thinks that you're pregnant and causes the menstruation to cease....something like that.  Anyways as a young kid that's already image conscious, being told that you've got too much fat on the body just puts the icing on the cake, don't you think...ugh.

So years later, I've gone through all kinds of hormone replacement therapy that caused me to be a little nuttier than my usual self, which ultimately meant that I quit all hormone replacement drugs, and decided to just try and lose the weight.  Well I never really did normalize and after the accident the cycle became more of a mystery.  One thing for sure is that PMS (which I NEVER had as a kid) is in full swing.....monthly.....without fail.

Even before my sister-in-law was officially my sister-in-law she pretty much lived at our house.  As soon as I moved back home, I noticed that she was the lead pheromone around the house.  If and when I was cycling, it was around her time.  When she becomes a little irritated or bitchy, I KNOW what's going on and I KNOW that I need to batten down the hatches.

Yesterday was a perfect example.  She had made a comment a few days ago which sent the red flag up but for some reason I was still caught off guard.  I was trying to sleep in/catch up on sleep on my day off and had to deal with the fact that my brother and his wife were up unusually early for once.  They were going to have dim sum with his Aikido friends out in Monterrey Park somewhere ( I think ).  

Anywhooo

They woke me up early, their friends that met up with them at our house were there talking loudly and annoying the crap out of me, and I realize they were going to have dim sum WITHOUT me.  Memories of my brother talking about including me in a dim sum adventure were quickly being recalled and I got even more furious that he was 1: going without me and 2: spending money that he doesn't really have yet while not giving mom anything for the house.  He has been more helpful and is doing more around the house but I think ( my own personal opinion ) that he needs to contribute, even a little, towards the house expenses now that he's started working. 

I finally get up and my mom has decided to half dress my foot ( to be explained in another post ) so the gauze is just falling off my foot which totally defeats the purpose.  I'm so annoyed that I called my mom, asked her to either dress the whole foot or don't do it at all, and hung up on her resulting in me throwing the house phone and causing it to just explode apart.  argh.  I hate getting that upset because it's just wasted energy.  I told myself that it doesn't matter if your brother invites you or not.  It's a personal choice and I'm sure not personal towards me.  I was just having a moment, a grand ol', bitchy, wtf, pointless, PMS moment.

You could've labeled me TNT...."We Know Drama". ugh.  Forgive me for I know not what I do.  sigh.

You can thank my sister-in-law. 

Skin.

To quote a therapist when discussing relationships post paralysis, she reminds us that our skin is the largest organ of the body.  When rediscovering ourselves in a relationship (especially those who already have partners), there has to be a willingness to try new things.  Not weird, or kinky, but a willingness to rewire our thoughts and approaches.  What is love?  What is sex?  Where do the 2 meet after paralysis?  The able bodied "other half" now has to dig deep about their feelings for the one they "love", and the one who is disabled is now wondering about emotional stability.  I've seen it quite too often where marriages have dissipated because one was not strong enough and on the flip side, I've seen couples who have both desired to make it work grow stronger than ever.  They live everyday one day at a time, as we all should, and find out in the end that it's just another challenge to face as a couple.  When love is real, it's real. When love is present with ulterior motives, self serving purposes, it doesn't take long for it to end.

I myself am not dating but have been absent touch for a long time now.  It's been awhile since I've felt someone touch me,  This includes everything from hugging to spooning.  I miss the way my skin feels next to someone else's body, and yes, even the feeling of someone's cold feet as they startle you.  It's been several years and I've lost count.   The simple touches I receive are immensely joyous, especially from my physical trainer as it's a very up close and personal session, lol.  He constantly touches my body to identify muscle groups and to correct my technique.  Kinky, eh? lol, just kidding...kind of. LOL.  Today he had me touch his stomach to prove a point about opposing muscle groups and it was almost too much for me. hee hee hee.  It may seem wrong, but it's kind of funny to me.  Nothing would ever come of our friendship and I would never ruin our relationship as therapist and patient but our sessions remind me of the days when someone would touch me without fear of hurting me or just plain fear.

I have grown some thick skin.  I'm 2 1/2 years post injury and am immune to a lot of things now but have alternately softened up in a lot of areas.  The patience I've acquired has helped me in many aspects and along the journey, I've seen how it is the key to life healing whether it's patience in rehabilitation or patience with people.  Situations are temporary and life is a mindset.  I'm not afraid of loneliness anymore as I'm constantly surrounded by those who love me and wish me well.

I'm continually grateful for these loved ones.  They've given me new skin.

I thought this was a funny picture....

Music is always blaring over my speakers or through my iPod (my saving grace).

This song happened to play at the right time.

Get THROUGH it, get OVER it, Get ON with it!

The future is beginning to demystify itself.  Now that I'm achieving small milestones, the big milestone are presenting themselves.

You have to get THROUGH whatever it is that is present.  You have to get OVER it. Learn the lesson, make the adjustments, savor the reason, and then you have to get ON with it.  Don't live in the past, don't live with regrets, live for today and for a better tomorrow.  Your time is short and your moments of greatness are awaiting you so that you may leave a legacy behind for all to learn from so that they can go through this cycle quicker.

I had the opportunity to talk to a friend's younger sister (basically my baby sister) and had a chance to impart wisdom regarding growing up.  She has made a few bad choices, emotionally charged ones, as we all have and has found a stone to step on.  A career reached out to her and passion ignited.  She's taken the next step to full fledged adulthood.  With a 2 year old in tow and nothing to her name but baggage, a vulnerability made itself available and she saw some light at the end of her tunnel.

For the first time since my injury, I've had a chance to really (REALLY) share about what it takes to move on with life. But more so, how to approach it.  Determination, organization, and a goal make the journey more interesting.  You now have some say in your journey,  We need to learn how to be assertive and not aggressive.  Forgive yourself, forgive others, and tomorrow will be better, I promise.

God is eternally good.  Thank you Lord.

Our Deepest Fear

by Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Running

I haven't been here for awhile.  Another crossroads.

Once upon a time I was forced to attend AA meetings.  Whether or not I am an alcoholic is irrelevant, it was court ordered.  I have personality traits that fit the mold.  I'm the "disappearing" alcoholic.  I'll be partying with you one minute and gone the next. It could be a harmless bathroom run, a secret cigarette break, or a a quick getaway to grab another drink while the line is promisingly short.  I don't drink everyday or have a need to, but I do like an impromptu cocktail.  A turn off to some. :/

As of late, I have a lot of exciting things coming up that keep me going.  U's wedding, first and foremost.  Me and M are having a blast organizing the bridal shower and bachelorette party.  U is one of our best friends. :)

On the flip side, some irritating situations have just grown overwhelming, mostly at home.  Today I had a feeling, once felt only during my High School years....the feeling right before I was kicked out of my house.  That feeling of wanting to tear out of your own skin, wanting to run, leave because you feel trapped, unappreciated, unloved, like a piece of shit.   I like to avoid problems, pretend they don't exist, distract myself so I live to fight another day.  I'm a "runner".  I have a huge desire to "Flight" rather than "Fight" yet somehow in the end I make the right decisions.   I don't want to complicate things at home.  And it's not just running away from something, but more like removing yourself from it.  I feel like I've become a huge burden for my family.  I don't know if my brother's just having a "moment" because Lord knows he's going through his own share of stuff, but I feel like I'm just furniture downstairs.  I feel so unwelcome, like "something" he is forced to deal with, his dramatic lot in life.  I get a head nod as a "hello" while he babies his wife and takes her out because she's stressed out and complaining about home work, school, not being able to have a baby yet...etc etc etc.  Do I need to complain for someone to say hello and spend time with me in my own home?  PLEASE don't misunderstand, my mother is a saint and I promise to canonize her in the future.  We've spent a lot of time together and have become very good friends.  But my brother, which I claim as my only son (we're born 7 years apart),  I love dearly.  I just wish he'd not be an asshole sometimes.  We get along, I just don't agree with the way he talks to my mom sometimes.  SOMETIMES!

Bringing me back to that feeling of wanting to remove myself from the situation.  They got along fine before I came home and now it's a compounded situation.  I want to live alone again.  I want to save my money and leave it all behind.  If I can't check out from this life, I'd like to at least have a peaceful one with people that actually like being around me. ergh.

Actually you know what I want?  I want a room of my own, quiet, peace, a decent night's sleep

That Sinking Feeling

Reaching for air, light, freedom

It' Easter and I'm not really in the celebratory mood.  (That's why you don't make important decisions based on emotions, you'll totally eff it up.)  I celebrate Christmas, Easter (or zombie messiah chocolate bunny day as my atheist friend refers to it as), and my birthday all year long.  I don't wait anymore to celebrate things because every day is a gift.  Why not celebrate the birth of our Savior, His death, and His resurrection on a daily basis?  That's just me.


I'm still being inundated with bags and totes of stuff to sort through due to my brother and his wife relocating to my room.  This is the same frenzied feeling I had when I was moving home.  Back in 2008, I was moving home, and U was moving into my apartment because she had been recently evicted from her place.  Someone bought the property and decided to bulldoze that little gem in the rough known as Echo Park...West Side Gritty, not East Side Pretty.  The timing was amazing.  I was planning to move back eventually to my little nest in Eagle Rock and needed to sublet.  She needed a place because hers wouldn't exist in the next few months to follow, and well, the rest is history.

So once again, I'm deciding what to keep, what to donate, and what to .... hide....  We all have our secrets and thankfully I have a girlfriend who knows my deepest skeletons so she'll be helping me remove questionable items. lol.  I almost feel like I'm being forced again to decide RIGHT NOW what to keep or toss and it's really pissing me off.  This is another episode of having no control of my life right now and it pretty much stinks.

It's as if I'm drowning again.  Before I was drowning in debt, then rehabilitation, and now decisions.  How do I get rid of old things and still hold on to myself?  I know we are not what we own, but I'm sentimental, I can't help it.  NO need to call Hoarders, I promise to do what I must.

Landslide

A landslide is always ready to happen.   It takes but a moment, an intense occurrence in order for it to be set off.

For me that was the accident, but this huge paradigm shift was set in motion years ago as many momentous life events are.

A couple of years ago I had abnormal cells on my uterus and had a few biopsies done in order to determine whether the cells were benign or malignant (read cancerous).  After a few tests, they were, well, just abnormal.  Seems perfectly normal to me that my life was abnormal.  I went through several rounds of hormone adjustment/replacement therapy and my hormones haven't been the same since.  In fact all of this "therapy" had set off regular bouts of PMS; mood swings, tenderness, cramps, crying...the works.

Since my return home, K's hormones have been setting the pheromone pace around here and well, when she's cycling, I'm cycling...sigh.

My brother and his wife live with us and have decided to move into my old room, next to his, because it's bigger.  It makes sense, they shouldn't be living in a tiny room when a bigger one is available, and let's face it, I won't be living in that room anytime soon.  (It's on the 2nd floor, a place I won't be going for a while.)  It's so close and so far.

Today they brought down the contents of my closet.  A typical girl's closet.  Clothing worn to death, clothing that I hoped to fit in after dieting and exercising and such, things I just had to have because they were on sale, and a few pieces that just felt like a dream that I could wear over and over and over again, the "timeless" pieces.

As I sorted through the items, I went through the lyrics of a song, Landslide by Fleetwood Mac.


I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Till the landslide brought it down

donate...

give away...

maybe mom, M or U, or even K would like these...

I was giving myself away and didn't care.  They were just pieces of clothing.  Towards the end, I found old work smocks and badges that signified some of the first changes of my life.  In 1997 I had moved out and got a new job at the same time and had no choice but to make it work.  These work pieces reminded me of those times.   I felt independent, strong, tired.  Then I came across more mature pieces, suits from a time when I tried to get into business for myself....that didn't work out.  A D.U.I. assured the end of that chapter.  Even the prom dress that I wore in 1993 was of no interest to me..."donate"...

The last piece I came across in the last pile for the night had the jacket I was wearing when I was hit by the car and paralyzed.  The Landslide was set off.  I examined it for signs of trauma, dirt, scrapes, something!  There was nothing.  Like the accident never happened...."donate"...move on.


Oh, mirror in the sky - What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I don't know, I don't know

I kept a few pieces and "heed & hawed" over a few that I eventually kept others to remember myself by.  It wasn't much.  Months ago I heard this song and realized that I was afraid of changing, that I was addicted to my old life, to who I was. It will never be.  I need to let go, move on, go on to the next chapter..."keep", or shall I say "keepsake".

Well, I've been afraid of changin'
Because I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
And I'm getting older, too


A new chapter is in progress.  Listening to emo songs while having a cocktail are not helping me emotionally right now.  With God's strength I'm understanding that though the path is present, yet unclear, that God's will is at hand.  I pray for clarity, strength, and peace daily.

Oddly enough, "Life Goes On" by the Beatles has begun at this very moment, lol.  Ob la di, Ob la da.  A sign?  Maybe, Ok, it IS a sign.  Life goes on...


So, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well, the landslide will bring it down
The landslide will bring it down 

Though changes will happen in your life, don't be afraid.  Sure, they will hurt, you will struggle, but by the grace of God, loved ones: friends, family, unexpected strangers, will be there to encourage and carry you.  Trust in God and go forward.  Don't get stuck being addicted to who you were and move on. 

You can't open the next chapter of the book until you close the last one.

Sexual Healing

It's something that I don't publicly discuss, or rather it's something that people don't want to discuss with me.  It's that white elephant that no one points out.  Even within the safety and security of the Spinal Cord Injury support group that I attend, we don't talk about it much, but when we do, we go all out.  Because everyone's level of injury differs, we all have different amounts of physical return that we experience.  Some have sensation, others have movement, and there are those lucky few that have both.  I've seen sexual aids, devices, furniture, and videos that show how a sexual relationship is possible.  I think it's cheezeballs but whatever.  Guys definitely still have it way easier than women who suffer from paralysis and there are those out there who will contradict me, but I see way more able-bodied women with paralyzed men opposed to the reverse situation.




Whatever traces of testosterone are in me sometimes insight a sexual riot in my brain.  Maybe it's the not knowing of what sex will be like in the future that causes me to over imagine different scenarios. Oddly enough, I think about it at a male pace, meaning almost constantly.  And I don't think of it as a disabled person, I go through the memories of having an able body,  meeting someone so incredible where the sexual chemistry is on fire and you just want to, well for lack of words, fuck.  Sounds crude, but hot sweaty amazing sex was always more fun than just "doing it". lol sorry.  We all have preferences.  I have to throw in the disclaimer that I liked porn from a very VERY young age.  The kind of thing where you discover it "on accident" and like other drugs, just like it.  It's always in the back of my mind, but it's not like I'm some maniac that collects it, lol.


I've tasted the pleasures of a sexual relationship and of course I love it, but don't be fooled, I was pretty conservative.  It wasn't with many people, and it wasn't all the time.  I still have a very spiritual side that reminds me that there is more to life than the physical and that sex is still something special, even to me.  (Only a woman would say that.... lol)


Now as far as the paralysis goes, I know that I'm physically unable to have sex like before.  Physical inability has awoken mental ability.  I think about it because I have a freedom to.  What everyone thinks about me is none of my business and I reserve the right to have mental, emotional, and spiritual freedom.  We only live but one life and I am not afraid anymore.


This statement is for whoever I end up spending the rest of my life with.  I may not hold you or be able to lay with you in a way that lovers do, but my kisses are golden, my love is genuine, and my spirit is amazing.  Our life will not be easy, but what marriage is?  I promise you that it will be an amazing life and with God's help, it will be out of this world!




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gO8-9OWzPOQ&feature=fvwrel&wl_token=OeF1qWnEA2sWlQwp7ifK1nHeTV18MTMwMjY2NDk3MA%3D%3D&wl_id=gO8-9OWzPOQ

I......just.miss.my.body.....

My fingers are at a stand still.  Do I put it on "paper"?  Is it an idea worth manifesting?  Is it just a passing emotion that will be reconciled, alleviated by tomorrow morning.  Why do we feel these feelings?  How do we control them?  These are the days which make the "good" ones great.

I'm afraid of the idea of change again.  The thought of school irritates me, but I need to acquire some new skills in order to change the future.  Looking for school again and the idea of homework isn't so grand of an idea in my mind.   Some have called me an underachiever, I just think I need to find out what I'm good at and get going!  The security and benefits I possess at work make it hard to even think of something new.  Am I stuck?

Days like this make me miss my old self, my old body.  It sounds selfish, especially in a time when Japan has suffered a 9.0 magnitude earthquake, is bordering on nuclear meltdown, and is now threatened by a possible snow storm.  People in Haiti have suffered for over a year now, New Zealand, Chile, and other countless places have suffered natural disasters in the last few months and we could be next.  According to the news and scientists, we're due a good one.  sigh.  This whole feeling is very apocalyptic.  Am I ready?  My friend who vlogs (video blogs) had interviewed a handful of people at our support group and 1 out of 10 were actually prepared with meds, medical supplies, and written instruction for self care in case of actual emergency.  I'm like 1/2 prepared. :/

On days when I'm overwhelmed and beyond tired and frustrated I let it out to mom when she helps me at night.  I let her know that I don't like the idea of loneliness, an unending future of catheters, bladder leaks, physical limitations and frustrations and wish (to her only) that I could go.  I'm not afraid of death, but am too chicken to check out early.  She reciprocates the feeling due to her constant back pain, arthritis, etc.  She made a weird statement the other day and oddly enough it didn't bother me. 

She said, "Maybe one day it would be nice if we just laid down together side by side and went together.".  I actually thought that despite the macabre interpretation of the sentiment, that it would be nice too.  Me and mom have become best friends and I would love to just hang out with her in heaven hand in hand to enjoy a presence free of pain and hurt.  I'm crying as I write this because it hurts me that she would want to go too.  I don't know why.  I love her so much and live for her.

I pray continually for peace and strength that only God will provide.

I do...

The New Year has been full of many things.  I continue to fight on, rehabilitate, choose life, and laugh a lot just to get through the rough spots because honestly it's a bigger, more deliberate, choice to "go on".  God seems to know how to keep me busy or better yet, occupied, distracted.  Amidst the daily distractions of bills, physical therapy, ridiculous Access Paratransit rides, support groups, and so on, I find that once again, I'm caught in a wave of weddings.  I survived the first wave of weddings about 6 years ago.  Being a brides maid in 2 weddings in one year as well as attending a few others around the country.  

A girlfriend from Jr. High and one befriended within the last 6 years got married 2 weeks apart from each other.  My brother married on January 8 of this year, and many of my girlfriends are engaged.  I used to hate the idea of being a bridesmaid, but I hate it especially now.  Being in the wheelchair is frustrating but I found that love conquers all.  Loving my brother made it easy to make the choice of being a bridesmaid and it was great.  The wedding went off without a hitch.

But an even greater honor was in the mix.  One of my best girlfriends in the universe got engaged to her boyfriend.  When she asked me to be her Maid of Honor I said no at first because of my pride, but after deep thought I couldn't wait to say Yes.  Initially, only doubts came to mind, but I cannot tell you how happy it makes me to be there for her so I agreed to do it.

These past few weddings were like fairytale endings for my girlfriends who thought that they'd never find love.  They didn't just marry, they have all married their best friends.  Isn't that like love x 10?? lol.  Having the ability to see them live their dreams makes me happy.

I wish I could go back 20 years to tell them all that their lives would be shared with someone exceptional and that their past would not interfere or put a damper on their futures.  That life would be completely different than once anticipated.  I'll pay it forward and tell those that I currently know that their lives will be better than they could have ever expected.  You might wonder how anyone could make such promises, but after being told everyday by the world and all it's inhabitants that you're not good enough, wouldn't you want someone telling you that as far fetched as it sounds that the impossible is possible, that it could happen?  That your dreams could come true?  I would.  I tell myself everyday that the future is much brighter than today and every day I am closer to that future.

So to "life", I say, "I do".

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

SONNET XVII

Pablo Neruda  

Happy New Year! Not just a resolution!

Plain and simple, right?  Happy New Year to everyone out there.  As I look back on all of 2010's past posts, I see that life goes on and you gotta keep up with it!  I've survived 2 years now and am in a better place than ever.  Obviously I'm home tonight for failure to plan things correctly, lol.  But It's only pushing me to push myself harder and faster this year.  It will be a year of more mature steps.  I'll be driving, getting back into the workout circuit and fluttering around again like the social butterfly that I was.  

I'm extremely grateful for those of you who've kept my platform steady, who have assured me of every step being o.k. to take.  I am coming to close to being a better version of my former self, and will surpass my old life by miles! 

God is Good, in fact, He's AWESOME!!!

God bless everyone who has supported, protected, and encouraged me.  May I continue to pay it forward.  I read this in a Facebook post earlier, "Care for those who cannot care for themselves.".  I think that's a good way to think of our fellow humans.  Care for those who are physically, spiritually, emotionally, and socially disabled.  Hug someone for crying out loud, lol.

Cheers to 2011!

May you laugh a lot and out loud.

May you find peace and healing in your lives.

May you find your purpose and discover yourself more through out this journey.

May God fill you with hope, love, and joy.

Philippians 3:13-14

¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.