I do...

The New Year has been full of many things.  I continue to fight on, rehabilitate, choose life, and laugh a lot just to get through the rough spots because honestly it's a bigger, more deliberate, choice to "go on".  God seems to know how to keep me busy or better yet, occupied, distracted.  Amidst the daily distractions of bills, physical therapy, ridiculous Access Paratransit rides, support groups, and so on, I find that once again, I'm caught in a wave of weddings.  I survived the first wave of weddings about 6 years ago.  Being a brides maid in 2 weddings in one year as well as attending a few others around the country.  

A girlfriend from Jr. High and one befriended within the last 6 years got married 2 weeks apart from each other.  My brother married on January 8 of this year, and many of my girlfriends are engaged.  I used to hate the idea of being a bridesmaid, but I hate it especially now.  Being in the wheelchair is frustrating but I found that love conquers all.  Loving my brother made it easy to make the choice of being a bridesmaid and it was great.  The wedding went off without a hitch.

But an even greater honor was in the mix.  One of my best girlfriends in the universe got engaged to her boyfriend.  When she asked me to be her Maid of Honor I said no at first because of my pride, but after deep thought I couldn't wait to say Yes.  Initially, only doubts came to mind, but I cannot tell you how happy it makes me to be there for her so I agreed to do it.

These past few weddings were like fairytale endings for my girlfriends who thought that they'd never find love.  They didn't just marry, they have all married their best friends.  Isn't that like love x 10?? lol.  Having the ability to see them live their dreams makes me happy.

I wish I could go back 20 years to tell them all that their lives would be shared with someone exceptional and that their past would not interfere or put a damper on their futures.  That life would be completely different than once anticipated.  I'll pay it forward and tell those that I currently know that their lives will be better than they could have ever expected.  You might wonder how anyone could make such promises, but after being told everyday by the world and all it's inhabitants that you're not good enough, wouldn't you want someone telling you that as far fetched as it sounds that the impossible is possible, that it could happen?  That your dreams could come true?  I would.  I tell myself everyday that the future is much brighter than today and every day I am closer to that future.

So to "life", I say, "I do".

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

SONNET XVII

Pablo Neruda