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Feelings have a way of residing, and sometimes semi-retiring, in the back of one's mind. I dreamed about someone a few nights ago which caused me to wake up feeling sentimental. I've known this person for many years and have always had feelings for him. Time has changed both of us and, time and time again, we've reconnected intensely as friends only to lose touch once more. The feeling is similar to jumping on a trampoline, the stronger you launch, the further you get from the point of origin. There is a an unknown fear, like something you can't really put your finger on which prevents us from coming together.
Aesthetically, I'm not what he desires, but I know I can hold my own during conversation which is equally important. There's an excitement that swells up within me when chemistry is sparked via dialog, this feeling of understanding and knowing that at that moment, for those few hours, that you're with"that" someone, that all feels right, comfortable, and connected. Hours together that feel like minutes, never wanting the night to end. But it's a reciprocal feeling, not like when you're unsure of how that person feels about you because you've both been trying to hold your own. Just a natural flow of being with someone. You're neither man nor woman, you are not a certain age, you're just one soul enjoying time with another soul. I imagine this is what it feels like when you find the other half of your orange. I've felt this with few people in my life and am sometimes wishful that they would come back around or that I would be fortunate to feel this way once more. I'm open now.
I digress.....I want him to know that someone always thinks about him, wants the best for him, even as friends. There's a segment of the American version of "Shall We Dance" in which Susan Sarandon explains marriage to someone. "...It's being a witness to someone's life.." She explains that out of the billions of people on Earth that marriage is a way of letting someone know that their life doesn't go unnoticed. It's a promise to care about everything: the good things, the bad things, the mundane things. All of it, all the time, everyday, that their life will not go unnoticed because someone will be there to notice and witness it.
I heard another comment while watching Top Chef Masters. During the final challenge, chefs were given a budget, time constraints, and a surprise element. Each chef unknowingly chose a fellow chef's name and had to create a mystery basket of 7 ingredients for the chef that was chosen. The regular Top Chef show has young up-and-coming chefs who are predominantly caddy, obnoxious, self-absorbed, like they've so much to prove to the world and themselves. It wasn't rare to see them wishing for their competitors to fail, yet these master chefs had nothing to prove, they excel at and live doing what they love, cooking, and were additionally competing in order to give proceeds to the charity of their choice. They were rightfully confident, but not cocky. Upon opening the mystery boxes, each chef was given something they could use within their own style of cooking via a mutual respect mixed with wisdom and social grace amongst their peers. One chef said, "You have to give people opportunity. You should set people up to succeed, and not to fail." I was blown away by this. If only we were this way amongst our peers and competitors. That starts with the individual.
So even if I never date this person, I know that when I do find the right person that their life will not go unnoticed and I'll do my best to set them up to succeed.
My brother is gone to Vegas this weekend with his friends (Oh Vegas, I miss you.) so me and mom had a chance to hang out in a quiet house which was nice for a change. It was such a beautiful evening that we decided to go down the block. We're pretty lucky because just down the block and around the corner, there's a Goodwill store, Shogun Sushi, and an AWESOME new Yogurt place called Tutti Frutti. I will be a frequent customer. I haven't had a nice evening with mom for awhile so we enjoyed perusing through the Goodwill, then had a ton of sushi. I liked the Monkey Brains sushi, you all should try it. Then, I convinced mom to try frozen yogurt. She LOVED it and will also be a frequent customer. The Taro, Lychee, and Acai combo was pretty awesome. The best part? Mochi pieces were just one of the great toppings they had in the toppings section. Yum!
But not impossible. Like most of us, I feel the worst in the morning. I love the fact that I've made it one more day, but the physical task of "getting up" is what gets me down. I usually wake up in pain wondering if I have to go to the bathroom (because I don't have motor sensation from the waist down). When I turn myself to the sides I occasionally twist my body and have to really wake up to adjust while feeling discomfort/subtle pains. After turning, the pain usually increases, but I am doing better with the amount of pain med I take, only about once every other day now.
Today I cried while getting dressed. Mom was helping me and my emotions just swelled up. Every time I log rolled to face away from her my eyes filled with tears too fast to catch. I briefly had the "ugly crying" face. Then I just sat up in bed and let it out. About a minute then I was done. I sat there thinking that God was with me. He gave me mom so that He could hug me and tell me to hang on one more day. I'm so grateful for my mother and for God. I'm thankful that I don't hate Him. It's too easy to misplace anger, which I can do, but I'm given a sense of hope to think about the future. My miracle is not too far and purpose is waiting for me.
During my hospital stay, I attended a Spinal Cord Injury support group, though in the beginning I went just to get my therapist off my back. Obviously it was an important part of my emotional and mental rehabilitation and well being. Crying was instinctively the first thing I wanted to do during the first meeting only because you truly had to self-admit to being different. But then again whenever I did something new, like taking my first salsa class - solo, I wanted to cry then too. Weird. Anyhow, the topic came up of how you felt post hospital, post adjustment. And I must say, again, I live among survivors and have steadily met more as the days go on. I've become closer to several co-workers and even closer to friends who've just been very open with me about their lives. It's a reciprocated openness amongst people I know. Knowing a friend at a deeper levels offers the gifts of trust, sincerity, and compassion, things that are hard to find in this world.
In the last 2 to 3 months I've heard personal stories that just give you goosebumps. One friend shared with me how she found out that her breast cancer had metastasized to her brain after being clear from breast cancer just months prior. Simultaneously, her mother had recurring breast cancer and they would find themselves in different parts of the same hospital receiving chemotherapy at the same time, similar to me and mom having "book end" back braces. Yet my friend survived because she had a one year old waiting for her back at home. She's now been clear for 7 years. Another co-worker was diagnosed with HIV/AIDS in 1990 and has survived up until now after being told he had 6 months to live. Even close friends have shared stories of their children being diagnosed with Leukemia, or of personal struggles with mental anxieties/disorders.
People that I've met in the Spinal Cord Injury area of the rehab ALL have freakish stories. Everything from car accidents (usually the receiving end), to skiing accidents, to pool-diving-in-the-shallow-end accidents, to auto immune diseases damaging the spinal cord, all resulting in paralysis. Sadly, during the last group meeting, I met two new guys, both under 35, one with kids, who have been victims of reckless drivers, and one girl who was stabbed in the back of her neck in the heat of domestic violence. Oddly enough, we all have good attitudes. A quadriplegic friend of mine had her accident when her daughter was 3 years old. She wore a "halo" for 3 months, which is standard time, and basically had a cage bolted into her head to prevent her neck from moving in order for it to heal correctly. Her daughter is now 20 and is attending college while my friend has her own house, drives a van, and is able to walk her two dogs. My friend Frank broke his neck while diving into the shallow end of a pool at HIS OWN wedding reception in Mexico, he's now a quadriplegic as well and is doing well. There are more stories of people who were injured in sporting accidents and have rehabilitated to a the point to where they can go back to doing the same sports that they loved, in a new way. Everything from skiing, basketball, downhill racing, kayaking, surfing, and yes, even dancing.
Lastly, I remember one morning in the hospital. I saw an evangelism show on in the middle of the week and decided to watch it. He said, "Whatever you're going through, whatever you're in the middle of.....you've already overcome, you've already gained victory through Christ Jesus." That's all I needed to keep going.
You know, all of us felt the same way in the beginning. "I can't do this". "I can't live like this". "I'd rather die". Never thinking to fight on. We came to an understanding that we didn't die and that we were allotted "Bonus Time". This is the gravy. All of our friends think we're so brave because we chose to live, but really, living is a choice for all of us on a daily basis, and we're still in awe of all of you who survive the pains that no one can see. We thank you and love you for being there for us. Thanks for being there for me, I hope I can be there for you.
When I Don’t Know What To Do
Tommy Walker WeMobile Music ©2005 CCLI #4556332
Lord I surrender all to
Your strong and faithful hand
In everything I will give thanks to You
I’ll just trust Your perfect plan
Chorus:
When I don’t know what to do
I’ll lift my hands
When I don’t know what to say
I’ll speak Your praise
When I don’t know where to go
I’ll run to Your throne
When I don’t know what to think
I’ll stand on Your truth
When I don’t know what to do
Lord I surrender all
Though I’ll never understand
All the mysteries around me
I’ll just trust your perfect plan
As I bow my knee
Send Your perfect peace
Send Your perfect peace, Lord
As I lift my hands
Let Your healing come
Let Your healing come to me
For those of you who don't know, I too have a beloved pet. My little minion's name is P.K. People used to speculate pastor's kid, or other odd things, but it stands for Psycho Kitty. In his heyday he was the funnest cat to fight with. I have friends who can vouch for fights started on my blue reclining couch, by the cat. He's been pretty healthy and was supposed to have about 10 more years on him. Many factors have contributed to his declining health. I moved to a new home, changed the food I was feeding him, adopted a new cat, Chicken, left him for 4 months while hospitalized, and left him to fight for himself against my brother's dog, an alpha female dog at that. He lost his hearing about a month ago and gets easily startled if you come up behind him.
In the last month, he's lost significant weight, has had a distended belly, and is not as steady as he used to be. Me and mom finally took him to the vet and I'm shelling out like $700 for tests that will tell me what I kind of already know. Oh, here come the tears. He's got some kind of viral infection that has caused him to have fluids build up in his chest and stomach (about 500 ml), dehydration, and anemia. The virus is attacking multiple organs, not just one. I hated to leave him with the vet today.
It's slowly hitting me because it's another change I'm adapting to, the idea of not having kitty around, though he's been distant since I've come home. I've had him since he was a kitten and he's been with me for 12 years. He got me through lonely nights, he's my little boy. I'll be really bummed out when he leaves, though I pray for another few years. God I do.
I dreamed two separate dreams in which I was wiggling my toes and eventually moving my legs. I was just embracing the feeling of crunching and rubbing my toes and feeling my calves rubbing against each other
Then I dreamed that I was married to the former front man of Skid Row. OMG, I was totally infatuated with him. He told me I was perfect, that every aspect of me was beautiful. I told him that when he called me to get together (apparently when we were first dating) that I felt like I had won the lottery. What a great feeling.
I tried moving my legs today, no luck yet.
:)
Prior to my accident I had worked with a personal trainer for 6 weeks. For the first time in my life I was a gym rat (willingly). Being a little more fit probably helped me when I was hit. Two days ago I opened my Capital One statement and realized that L.A. Fitness was still billing me for membership dues. The fees were doubled every month because I had given my brother a membership for his birthday hoping that he would go with me to the gym, no dice. Anyhow, my mother had gone in December to cancel the membership. She returned another time to bring a Dr.'s letter in order to get reimbursed for the remainder of my training sessions. In requesting for my "membership" to be canceled, she simply inquired if the gym offered access for disabled people. They said yes, but forgot to cancel my membership. A form was required to cancel, but in all honesty, that form is no where to be found and the manager should have offered my mother the opportunity to freeze the account until such time. They didn't.
A call was put into the corporate office and after being on eternal hold (o.k. 20 minutes, same difference) I spoke to someone who refused to refund me. After explaining my situation with the accident/hospitalization, she put me on hold, then offered me 2 months reimbursement. When I asked how to go about complaining about the manager, I followed up with the Better Business Bureau reviews about the company and how the corporation seemingly existed to drain bank accounts. I was put on hold, again. Then she offered to reimburse me for 3 months. Since I didn't want to put any more effort into this, I accepted it.
Ef L.A. Fitness.
