Monday, March 21, 2011

I......just.miss.my.body.....

My fingers are at a stand still.  Do I put it on "paper"?  Is it an idea worth manifesting?  Is it just a passing emotion that will be reconciled, alleviated by tomorrow morning.  Why do we feel these feelings?  How do we control them?  These are the days which make the "good" ones great.

I'm afraid of the idea of change again.  The thought of school irritates me, but I need to acquire some new skills in order to change the future.  Looking for school again and the idea of homework isn't so grand of an idea in my mind.   Some have called me an underachiever, I just think I need to find out what I'm good at and get going!  The security and benefits I possess at work make it hard to even think of something new.  Am I stuck?

Days like this make me miss my old self, my old body.  It sounds selfish, especially in a time when Japan has suffered a 9.0 magnitude earthquake, is bordering on nuclear meltdown, and is now threatened by a possible snow storm.  People in Haiti have suffered for over a year now, New Zealand, Chile, and other countless places have suffered natural disasters in the last few months and we could be next.  According to the news and scientists, we're due a good one.  sigh.  This whole feeling is very apocalyptic.  Am I ready?  My friend who vlogs (video blogs) had interviewed a handful of people at our support group and 1 out of 10 were actually prepared with meds, medical supplies, and written instruction for self care in case of actual emergency.  I'm like 1/2 prepared. :/

On days when I'm overwhelmed and beyond tired and frustrated I let it out to mom when she helps me at night.  I let her know that I don't like the idea of loneliness, an unending future of catheters, bladder leaks, physical limitations and frustrations and wish (to her only) that I could go.  I'm not afraid of death, but am too chicken to check out early.  She reciprocates the feeling due to her constant back pain, arthritis, etc.  She made a weird statement the other day and oddly enough it didn't bother me. 
She said, "Maybe one day it would be nice if we just laid down together side by side and went together.".  I actually thought that despite the macabre interpretation of the sentiment, that it would be nice too.  Me and mom have become best friends and I would love to just hang out with her in heaven hand in hand to enjoy a presence free of pain and hurt.  I'm crying as I write this because it hurts me that she would want to go too.  I don't know why.  I love her so much and live for her.

I pray continually for peace and strength that only God will provide.
 
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