Coming Home

Leaving home at 19 was liberating. I was stuck in this whole joy-luck-club situation at home and was treated very 2nd class by my father just for being a girl. Of course there's valid fears of raising your children in another country, but then there's just discrimination. Dysfunction was just the beginning of our problems as a family, but I suppose we all have really good dysfunctional family stories. As unprepared as I was, freedom seemed priceless. I've lived on my own since then.

Coming home was difficult. After thinking that I had succeeded as an independent adult, a few things prompted me to move back home. I had the previously mentioned d.u.i. and my mother that would need 2-6 months of post surgical care in October, a spinal fusion from the sacrum to T10 thanks to the physical deformity that life-long scoliosis caused. During her post surgical care, I was also scheduled to go to my final court hearing to surrender myself. I was facing a minimum of 45 days in county jail and pretty much lost my mind. My mother's surgeon gave me a letter for work letting them know that she would need "x" amount of recovery time. I was between a rock and a hard place because I was supposed to be in jail while she recovered, but thankfully, I served 2 days in jail, and her surgery was postponed. Don't get me wrong though, those 2 days were long, sleepless, and unforgettable. God really worked with the intricacies of each of these situations and masterfully wove the threads of time to protect me.

Adjusting to home was harder than expected. I now lived with two other adults that I didn't know well. Time had changed me, my brother, and mom. It was like being with roommates. On top of that, I was taking the bus/train everywhere due to my revoked license. Although I didn't want to impose on my family for rides, I would break down sometimes just to cut my travel time to and from work in half. There were actually times that I would get annoyed because my brother wouldn't pick me up. I knew it was my fault for getting into this mess, but I think if the tables were turned that I would've given him rides. I dunno. We're past all that and it's all in the past. Fights still occur here and there but we've chosen to learn from them so that we could break the chain of our relatives. I can say now that I'm happy to be home because we can actually act like a family, fights and all. The communication has improved because now we understand that our time here is short and can be taken at any moment.

Negativity is wasted energy, isn't it?

The Aftermath

This is just one possible scenario that can manifest if you continue to make poor decisions.




My very poor decision led to:

- a Felony d.u.i. (Which doesn't have to include drinking - will explain later)

- a 1-year suspension of my driver's license, which is a huge necessity on the West Coast

- a lawyer bill which is let's just say over $10,000

- a 3 month mandatory Driver's Education Course that I had to pay for - $600
*as of January 2009, it's gone up to a minimum of I believe 6-9 months of Driver's Education*
- fees for the court's time, the car towing/storage

- 5 years of probation (2 1/2 years if I pay the $7300 probation fee within that time)

- 4 months of mandatory AA meetings

- 3 separate court hearings

- 2 days in jail, including the ever so pleasant processing

- a ton of shame and embarasment

- and a partridge in a pear tree.


It just so happens that if you're driving under the influence of things such as cough/cold medicine, prescribed medication that can affect your ability to function, you can also get a d.u.i. A majority of the people that I met through this whole process didn't even get pulled over for drinking, but for being on their cell phones, driving too quickly into a gas station, driving with their windows down on a cold night, or for sleeping in the driver's seat intoxicated (that's intent). Remember the state and the county need money so beware. If you've ever driven even slightly intoxicated, know that everyone that's been pulled over for a d.u.i. has driven an average of 500 times in that state. It's only a matter of time.

I love to celebrate as much as the next person, but it's really not worth all the mess. Find a cab, or a couch to crash on. Life is too short to waste on "the man". The state pretty much owns me for awhile and what I'll miss the most of my past life is the freedom to do things. Not being able to drive is pretty hard after you've done it for over 1/2 of your life. God allowed me to go through this and I'm ever so glad that He did. It's one of those growing pains that I talked about. We all have to grow up at some point.


peace

My birthday.

I've made it to 34. Life is different, everything about it is different. I decided to go through my Itunes list and make a birthday playlist consisting of all the songs timed at 4:18. I've got everything from Radiohead, to Stevie Wonder. It's a great list. Ha! Right now I"m listening to David Bowie "Fame".
Ursula stopped by and we (Urs, Ollie, mum, and the aminals) had some pizza and cake. Had a birthday on the downlow. I'm thankful for all of the phone calls, visits, ems, facebook & myspace messages, and text msgs that I received. A girl could only be so lucky.

When you think your skin is the only thing holding you together...think laminin

"Your life is a miracle, and the Creator of the universe knows you by name. He's big enough to breathe out stars, yet intricate enough to fashion together the trillions of cells that make up every facet of who you are. This is an amazing look in to just how big our God is and just how small we are in comparison to all of creation."



I was in awe when I first saw this video. Understanding that someone as "busy" as God (according to our standards of busy) cared for me, every facet of who I am. When you have those"if it weren't for my skin, I'd fall apart" moments, anxiety can get the best of us. We stop thinking rationally and become pesimists. In rehab, I learned that if I thought about things I became pessimistic, but if I DID things my problem-solving skills came into play instinctively and I never thought about the "What if I can't?" moments. My cognitive thinking manifested itself as I chose to do something. Remember, life is a choice.

This video is amazing from an astrological as well as a relational point of view. My God is huge! Just for kicks, here's the molecular structure of laminin. Enjoy!

Skeletons out of the closet.

There are few friends that you would go over and beyond for. These are called the "2 a.m.-ers". People you call in case of emergency @ 2 a.m. And I mean emergencies like, "My car broke down in Chinatown (because you might've been @ Firecracker or Hop Louie's) and I need a tow/ride home", or "I'm at a party and I need someone to save me", or maybe even what happened to me, "I got into a car accident and I'm being arrested...HELP!".

Last May I had agreed to go to a friend's friend's party, and it was like you did it because your friend's are important to you. Like if it was anyone else who could've invited me, I might've said "no thanks, I'm sooooooper tired. I'll catch up with you later." (Like the boxing event I turned down because I wanted to sleep. ) But I went to the party. I started the day tired because I slept very little on a regular basis, perhaps 5 hours or maybe 6 on a good night. I was accustomed to "sleeps" not naps. "Sleeps", coined by my friend Ursula, were about 2 hours long and caused you not to sleep until midnight. That was usual in my case. I had not eaten, had not slept, and was already running late. By 10 pm, I got into my car and headed down to the Play Lounge in Hollywood. We were celebrating a birthday and anyone who knows me knows that I like to celebrate. I had a few drinks which were enough to get me drunk because of my physical state. I danced to sweat out the alcohol, but it wasn't enough. My "homing device" kicked in like it always did telling me to go home and I did, but I didn't make it home. The valet pulled my car around and I left.
**side note - For some reason, us West Coast folks have to have our cars. Sometimes we think it's not an option to call a cab or a friend or to sleep it off. God forbid we leave our cars in valet overnight or at a friend's house and deal w/ it the next day. Take care of yourselves. If you think it's too expensive to get a cab, I'll show you my lawyer bills, and hopefully that'll change your way of thinking. Ok, I'm off the soap box.**
I exited too early and ended up near Vermont. Knowing this area like the back of my hand, I drove towards Vermont to get back on the 101. I turned South on to Vermont and before I knew it, a car coming North and I had collided in the intersection. The police were there in a hurry which is so atypical in Los Angeles, and it was just my luck. The truck that I collided with was an early 90's Toyota pick up truck, you know the ones, boxy and pre-crumple zone. This truck made for 2 had 3 people in it and wouldn't you know it, the person in the middle was an elderly woman without a seat belt. Regardless of who might've been at fault, I was put at 100% fault due to the alcohol in my blood. This poor woman was hurt because of me and I take full responsibility....I paid the price. I spent the night in the 77th precinct, in heels and half-sweated off evening makeup. Thank God my friends who were on their way home arrived in time to take my personal belongings and give me my sweater. My first "new" car was a wreck, as was I. This is where the story begins.

What do I do now? When life takes the training wheels off.

I always knew that keeping a journal was healthy, but now it's something that's more cathartic than therapeutic. My little snow globe of life was shaken violently starting in May 2008. Up until now the pieces have not settled. Instead, the glass and all of it's contents have shattered. The now misshapen pieces are out of sync and I'm adapting to a new way of existing. I will continue to exist until I understand how to live. I'm going to blog about a series of events that have occurred since May so that I can catch you all up to speed. When the training wheels come off and the growing pains of life occur, then you know you are alive. Someone wrote that being happy was a diseased state of existence, because it meant that you were not dealing with life realistically, that was some sad dude. I'm happy because it's a CHOICE. I choose to be happy and that's why I can be honest in the blogs to come. Welcome to my blog.....

This is my tag line....

If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome. ANNE BRADSTREET Meditations Divine and Moral