Friday, October 15, 2010

The Hills Are Alive - With the Sound of ......


I came home to a nice quiet house which is rare and most welcome.  After a long Access ride and 4 stops, stretching from Manchester to the far ends of the San Fernando Valley, while surrounded by the sounds of KRZA a.k.a. La Raza radio station  (Mexican Polka and love songs), yes, quiet is most welcome.

Usually I'm greeted by 2 overly excited doggies (which I love) and a soundtrack of mom cooking/bustling around the house, Ollie and/or Kat talking, watching t.v., playing games, listening to music to workout to, and the animals stampeding up and down the stairs while conversing with one another.  All this is accented by overtones of the house phone ringing incessantly with calls regarding home repair, my brother's friend's phone calls, lawyers and collection agencies looking for my dad, who is M.I.A., and charities looking for donations.  (You donate once and you're on the "hot" list, I swear!).  


We also have something called "dueling banjos".  It's the sound of all the t.v.s on at the same time.  Due to the build of the house and the physics of acoustics, me and Ollie play "dueling banjos".  You know like when a commercial comes on at about 10 decibels louder than the program you're watching and you adjust to not hear the commercial, then adjust the volume again so you can hear what's going on in the show you're watching??? lol. Thank God for DVR.  In addition to our capability to skip t.v. commercials by watching recordings, I've conformed to watching t.v. on my laptop with headphones and watching actual t.v. at about 2 a.m.  


2 a.m. is one of my favorite times of the day.  It's quiet.  I can watch t.v. or read, but then I won't get any sleep.  So, I  end up staying up late if I know I'm off the next day.  :)

And, occasionally we have guests, my brother's close friends, which love to hang out at the house and talk about life because they're at the age where life is becoming more "real".  You know, the mid to late 20's.  Everything old to us is new to them and they have to share, sometimes commiserate.  Me and my brother tend to be great listeners and attract people who want to share.

Don't get me wrong, I love having company now and again, but sometimes, sometimes, SOMETIMES


I  -  just  -  want  -  quiet........



Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Pay It Forward

Sorry, this is a wordy one. :)

I'm secretly apathetic towards most things.  I'm the person that loves to support from afar, never up close and personal; like giving for fundraisers, blood donations (well I guess that's pretty up close and personal), donations of time and money to worthy causes.  Never once have I desired to step out and initiate a movement partially because I'm apathetic towards educating myself about a topic and partially because it's time that I don't want to promise anyone if I can't follow through, though in every social circle I'm a part of, exists amazing people that selflessly fight the good fight.  Ones who protest and push for equality, justice, acceptance, peace, provision and truth.

Locally, there are many who use their artistic gifts to put together fundraisers to support causes and needs that often go overlooked.  A select few have gone as far as leaving the country to physically involve themselves; South America to build homes, Mexico to support the Zapatista Movement, Sudan to be ministry (not just support it),  the Middle East to support peaceful solutions (while often risking their lives), Tibet to fight for independence, and so on.  One of my girlfriends even met the Dalai Lama, the Dalai Lama! These are selfless acts fueled by passion and conviction.

Within a new circle of friends, those with SCI (spinal cord injuries), I've seen even more feats of the human spirit triumphing over some of the worst physical conditions.  Your mind and will are strengthened and pushed beyond boundaries when free of the body and all material things that you attach your body to.

I experience guilt for my lack of desire to get involved with things outside of my immediate consciousness .  Even now, while in the "bonus" time of life, I haven't done more, knowing that I possess ability, resources, and a passionate fire waiting to be released at the right time.  I've done some public speaking and have had a radical change in demeanor (meaning I'm not as much of a crazy bitch, lol).  Nothing really gets me angry anymore aside from ignorance.    Yet I still resist being a part of bigger things that could help people because it never feels quite right.  Either the people aren't right, the motives, the REAL motives don't feel kosher, or the timing feels off.  It's so selfish though I've been told it's not.  It's selfish, period.

Now and then opportunities present themselves, fund-raising events and social gatherings that support people with spinal cord injuries (SCIs) and groups which bring public awareness and education in regards to  SCI survivors, caregivers, needs, and ADA laws.  I've "supported", but haven't jumped in - again -.

On my way home last week, we picked up a passenger from UCLA Medical Center, a fellow wheelchair user, and I was my usual cordial self, and we dialoged instead of me sleeping (or pretending to sleep so I'd be left alone) or listening to my iPod.  People who share common interests tend to be more immediately social, but those who know me know that I'm ALWAYS social (a.k.a. talkative).  No alcohol required. :)

His name is Brian and he is an immigrant from South Korea.  After a short dialog, I found out that he came here as a child but has been disabled with Cerebral Palsy since he was 6 months old as a result of a surgery (something along that line).  He lives in an independent living facility and makes no money because he can't work, even though he's tried.  He's a slow learner but taught himself how to read and write English.  What??  That's amazing.  The family tends to leave him be and don't really acknowledge him when it comes to family functions. It sounds pretty messed up to me.   Government assistance is enough to pay rent and necessary bills, but leaves him with nothing to enjoy afterwards.


I considered this an ideal opportunity to invite him to the SCI support group.  He doesn't have a spinal cord injury but is a wheelchair user like us.  In fact there's a good part of our group in wheelchairs as a result of  autoimmune diseases.  He was thrilled to hear about a group that would understand him, embrace him, and help him.  No one understands you like a fellow sufferer.  You know....birds of a feather.


For the first time, I felt like paying it forward.  I hadn't had this kind of desire to help someone in a longtime because I felt incapable.  How could I help someone when I couldn't figure out things on my end?  But I did.  My motives and pool of resources would be used to help someone else in need.   Now another piece of recovery is unlocked and it feels right to be "capable" again.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Hang On, It's Just a Little Further

Call it hormones, call it emotionally unbalanced, call "it" whatever.  Whatever "it" is, has been manifesting more frequently.  The other day I experienced a wave of anxiety mixed with a hint of pissiness.  Boxes flew for about 15 seconds, than I caught a hold of myself and stopped.  I think the fact that I've been "stopping" myself from feeling a lot of things has caused me to reach a breaking point.  I've been feeling down, wondering about what life will be like.  Wondering if I'd be alone for an extended period of time.  I mean let's face it, I wasn't dating before this and being paralyzed with Type I diabetes isn't exactly a deal breaker.  I'll always be the girl with a great personality, but I'm wondering if I should keep hoping and believing that my other half exists, or if I should just accept that this is the road I've been given to travel, and that God will suffice all my needs (as He always has).  I'm like a kid who has to know right now.  Uncertainty is annoying as hell sometimes.  I want to know how to prepare myself.

And then I've been thinking.  Sometimes you need someone tangible who believes in you  more than you believe in yourself, even when you don't believe, ESPECIALLY when you choose not to believe in yourself.  I think of dying every day but never have the desire to go through with it,.  Thinking of the emotional collateral damage, ego aside, that would occur makes me even more sad so I couldn't.  On a lighter note, I also really desire to hear God tell me, "Well done my good and faithful servant", while He embraces me the way a parent comforts a child.

I'm reminded of the many things I haven't done yet, the potential that is still left to be used for a greater good.  It's a daily choice to live selflessly, without whining.  And I mean, not just putting a smile on, but actually making a choice to help someone, to make a difference somehow.  ::sigh::  Those pity parties happen quite often and are usually a party of one.  I can't stand having guests at mine.  And yet I still want someone to believe in me.  Someone to tell me to hang on.  Someone who will be by my side to walk with me to the end......even if I want to be alone.

Ironic.

Everywhere I look I see couples, lovers, spouses, significant others, bffs, going out and doing things on the whim, at their leisure.  It's that time of year when weddings happen on a weekly basis.  It's the time in one's   life where definite decisions are made whether it be about their career, their family, their dating lives, religions, priorities, etc.  I am alone and will be for awhile.  It's a fact.  I feel stalled, detoured.  What will the next 10 years bring?

All the drama aside, I am aware that having friends, a functioning brain, an insane sense of humor, and an understanding of love, life, and purpose are invaluable tools to keep me moving forward until I'm found.  I don't know how long one person can do this for, but I keep hearing those words, "Hang on"  "It's just a bit further".  Hearing these words makes me not want to miss out on the good things that are on their way and prayer is at the forefront every second of the day.  My prayers are for endurance, peace, love, obedience, and faithfulness.

That's about it right now.
 
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