Pay It Forward

Sorry, this is a wordy one. :)

I'm secretly apathetic towards most things.  I'm the person that loves to support from afar, never up close and personal; like giving for fundraisers, blood donations (well I guess that's pretty up close and personal), donations of time and money to worthy causes.  Never once have I desired to step out and initiate a movement partially because I'm apathetic towards educating myself about a topic and partially because it's time that I don't want to promise anyone if I can't follow through, though in every social circle I'm a part of, exists amazing people that selflessly fight the good fight.  Ones who protest and push for equality, justice, acceptance, peace, provision and truth.

Locally, there are many who use their artistic gifts to put together fundraisers to support causes and needs that often go overlooked.  A select few have gone as far as leaving the country to physically involve themselves; South America to build homes, Mexico to support the Zapatista Movement, Sudan to be ministry (not just support it),  the Middle East to support peaceful solutions (while often risking their lives), Tibet to fight for independence, and so on.  One of my girlfriends even met the Dalai Lama, the Dalai Lama! These are selfless acts fueled by passion and conviction.

Within a new circle of friends, those with SCI (spinal cord injuries), I've seen even more feats of the human spirit triumphing over some of the worst physical conditions.  Your mind and will are strengthened and pushed beyond boundaries when free of the body and all material things that you attach your body to.

I experience guilt for my lack of desire to get involved with things outside of my immediate consciousness .  Even now, while in the "bonus" time of life, I haven't done more, knowing that I possess ability, resources, and a passionate fire waiting to be released at the right time.  I've done some public speaking and have had a radical change in demeanor (meaning I'm not as much of a crazy bitch, lol).  Nothing really gets me angry anymore aside from ignorance.    Yet I still resist being a part of bigger things that could help people because it never feels quite right.  Either the people aren't right, the motives, the REAL motives don't feel kosher, or the timing feels off.  It's so selfish though I've been told it's not.  It's selfish, period.

Now and then opportunities present themselves, fund-raising events and social gatherings that support people with spinal cord injuries (SCIs) and groups which bring public awareness and education in regards to  SCI survivors, caregivers, needs, and ADA laws.  I've "supported", but haven't jumped in - again -.

On my way home last week, we picked up a passenger from UCLA Medical Center, a fellow wheelchair user, and I was my usual cordial self, and we dialoged instead of me sleeping (or pretending to sleep so I'd be left alone) or listening to my iPod.  People who share common interests tend to be more immediately social, but those who know me know that I'm ALWAYS social (a.k.a. talkative).  No alcohol required. :)

His name is Brian and he is an immigrant from South Korea.  After a short dialog, I found out that he came here as a child but has been disabled with Cerebral Palsy since he was 6 months old as a result of a surgery (something along that line).  He lives in an independent living facility and makes no money because he can't work, even though he's tried.  He's a slow learner but taught himself how to read and write English.  What??  That's amazing.  The family tends to leave him be and don't really acknowledge him when it comes to family functions. It sounds pretty messed up to me.   Government assistance is enough to pay rent and necessary bills, but leaves him with nothing to enjoy afterwards.

I considered this an ideal opportunity to invite him to the SCI support group.  He doesn't have a spinal cord injury but is a wheelchair user like us.  In fact there's a good part of our group in wheelchairs as a result of  autoimmune diseases.  He was thrilled to hear about a group that would understand him, embrace him, and help him.  No one understands you like a fellow sufferer.  You know....birds of a feather.

For the first time, I felt like paying it forward.  I hadn't had this kind of desire to help someone in a longtime because I felt incapable.  How could I help someone when I couldn't figure out things on my end?  But I did.  My motives and pool of resources would be used to help someone else in need.   Now another piece of recovery is unlocked and it feels right to be "capable" again.