Hang On, It's Just a Little Further

Call it hormones, call it emotionally unbalanced, call "it" whatever.  Whatever "it" is, has been manifesting more frequently.  The other day I experienced a wave of anxiety mixed with a hint of pissiness.  Boxes flew for about 15 seconds, than I caught a hold of myself and stopped.  I think the fact that I've been "stopping" myself from feeling a lot of things has caused me to reach a breaking point.  I've been feeling down, wondering about what life will be like.  Wondering if I'd be alone for an extended period of time.  I mean let's face it, I wasn't dating before this and being paralyzed with Type I diabetes isn't exactly a deal breaker.  I'll always be the girl with a great personality, but I'm wondering if I should keep hoping and believing that my other half exists, or if I should just accept that this is the road I've been given to travel, and that God will suffice all my needs (as He always has).  I'm like a kid who has to know right now.  Uncertainty is annoying as hell sometimes.  I want to know how to prepare myself.

And then I've been thinking.  Sometimes you need someone tangible who believes in you  more than you believe in yourself, even when you don't believe, ESPECIALLY when you choose not to believe in yourself.  I think of dying every day but never have the desire to go through with it,.  Thinking of the emotional collateral damage, ego aside, that would occur makes me even more sad so I couldn't.  On a lighter note, I also really desire to hear God tell me, "Well done my good and faithful servant", while He embraces me the way a parent comforts a child.

I'm reminded of the many things I haven't done yet, the potential that is still left to be used for a greater good.  It's a daily choice to live selflessly, without whining.  And I mean, not just putting a smile on, but actually making a choice to help someone, to make a difference somehow.  ::sigh::  Those pity parties happen quite often and are usually a party of one.  I can't stand having guests at mine.  And yet I still want someone to believe in me.  Someone to tell me to hang on.  Someone who will be by my side to walk with me to the end......even if I want to be alone.

Ironic.

Everywhere I look I see couples, lovers, spouses, significant others, bffs, going out and doing things on the whim, at their leisure.  It's that time of year when weddings happen on a weekly basis.  It's the time in one's   life where definite decisions are made whether it be about their career, their family, their dating lives, religions, priorities, etc.  I am alone and will be for awhile.  It's a fact.  I feel stalled, detoured.  What will the next 10 years bring?

All the drama aside, I am aware that having friends, a functioning brain, an insane sense of humor, and an understanding of love, life, and purpose are invaluable tools to keep me moving forward until I'm found.  I don't know how long one person can do this for, but I keep hearing those words, "Hang on"  "It's just a bit further".  Hearing these words makes me not want to miss out on the good things that are on their way and prayer is at the forefront every second of the day.  My prayers are for endurance, peace, love, obedience, and faithfulness.

That's about it right now.