Art Imitating Life

I'm a fan of great shows, where writers write without abandon.  Hard hitting shows that depict human emotion as it really happens.  Not like an "after school" special or anything exaggerated like "reality" t.v..  I'm hooked on "The Big C" right now.   The show airs on Showtime and depicts the plethora of human emotions in all it's stages, as a woman, Laura Linney, discovers and deals with a cancer diagnosis.  I've cried at least twice through each show, and not because it's sad, but because of the way I empathize with it.

When you have nothing to lose except life itself, you somehow discover a freedom, a real freedom to embrace everything good, mysterious, and exciting, while simultaneously giving negative vibes the middle finger.  You no longer tolerate b.s. and tend to live life a little fuller, talk a little more direct, and live a little harder.  I've always loved laughing, but even more so now.  I don't have the time or energy to waste on negative crap.  I cry enough as it is.  Probably a minimum of once a week.  Add the fact that I can't even drink a glass of wine (because of diabetes), which is what I used to love doing.  Facing life completely sober sucks pretty bad sometimes.

I'll be a part of several weddings in the near future, both as a participant and as an onlooker.  I'll describe the feelings about that another time, but out of all the sadness and loneliness, a realization birthed.  A feeling of gratitude that I could see all of my lovely friends and family (at least the ones I care about) celebrate great moments in their lives.  My life was spared so that I could be present.  No brain damage, and no other severe infirmities that would make life more difficult.

I spent the last week editing photos for two weddings.  I smiled through every crop, every contrast adjustment, every subject positioning.  I relived the moments as I filtered through each photo.  Each photo reminded me that the art work known as my life wasn't finished.  That there are several aspects of life that need to be edited, cropped, positioned.  I trust that God knows what he's doing.  I reflect on the last 10 to 20 years and see where edits have been made and I know I'm better for them.  Growing pains are never easy or simple, but with the right support, people, and resources, you survive.  I have something to live for, and sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me going.  The ONLY thing.  The days of adjustments aren't quite over and the sadness can be a huge burden, but I make it one day at a time.