Today I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. The burden of filing taxes has been lifted and I've begun selling on eBay again at a slower pace. I now do it as a hobby and not as a means to support myself (as much) or to offset costs for medical supplies. I've become a gym rat again and LOVE IT! The multitude of support from everyone and my current medical needs have ushered me into a more productive, fitter life.
Struggles still exist, whether they be with love, self image, healthier lifestyle choices, or making better emotional choices for myself. I've managed to catch up with a lot of old friends as well as participate in the lives of current friends that are also moving forward. Wedding mania last year has turned into baby mania this year, lol. It's a testament to the age I've arrived at. The 30-somethings are doing what the 20-somethings did decades ago.
Over the last 3 years of accommodating and adjusting to doing everything in a wheelchair, I've continued to evolve and triumph over my SCI (Spinal Cord Injury). Being more active with non-profit organizations and other exciting projects have brought me to stasis, to a point in my life where I feel like I can ask the question again, "What's next?".
I feel like I've almost conquered the 5 stages of accepting change, similar to the steps of accepting death/loss. Similar stages have been referred to as the Kübler-Ross model, The Five Stages of Dying, The Five Stages of Grief, The Five Stages of Loss, The Five Stages of Coping with Dying, The Five Stages of Coping with Grief or The Five Stages of Coping with Loss.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
At times I feel that I've come to acceptance, but then I feel like I revert to the prior 4 steps at random moments. Depression brings about feelings of suicide, giving up, letting go...and all have frequented my mind aggressively. At some point I made a deal with my mom that I wouldn't kill myself until she died because she didn't deserve to suffer (almost) losing a child twice. We even agreed to shop for burial options together.
Going back to exercise, I find that exercise (as promised by my therapist) chemically alleviates many if not all of these feelings and I zoom back to stage 5, Acceptance. No meds needed (as if I didn't have enough to think about).
While reading previous posts, I see how far I've come and as always God shows up on time. Yesterday I decided to read the Charles Spurgeon devotional that landed in my Yahoo Inbox and you guessed it, it had to do with suicide. http://www.heartlight.org/spurgeon/0502-am.html
For those who are religious, suicide is taboo, frowned upon but no one ever bothers to explain why. The reading talks about these exact moments in which we want to give up and (for Christians) go home to be with the Lord in order to alleviate current suffering. Do we really want to be with the Lord and experience rest or do we simply want to run from the trials and (customary) tribulations? Pain and suffering are temporary, wouldn't you agree? When I see someone's face light up when given great news or watch someone rejoice when life is favorable, I empathize and rejoice with them! I live for these moments and wouldn't miss them for the world. A great example is when two of my closest girlfriends found out that they were having their 1st babies 2 months apart, I couldn't have been happier and jumped on the bandwagon when it came to planning their baby showers.
"...Now it is quite right to desire to
depart if we can do it in the same spirit that Paul did, because to be
with Christ is far better, but the wish to escape from trouble is a
selfish one. Rather let your care and wish be to glorify God by your
life here as long as he pleases, even though it be in the midst of toil,
and conflict, and suffering, and leave him to say when "it is enough."...
"I pray not that thou shouldst take them out of the world."
John 17:15
This summed it up for me. I know not everyone feels the same way, but I can agree that it is a little selfish to wish to leave this earth. I will continue to struggle, fall, and get up to fight the good fight until the Lord calls me home and while traveling down the road of life will learn to enjoy the journey in a fuller capacity.
Dick Clark died on my birthday and was laid to rest today. He was a client of my therapist's for many years and inspired many as he continued to work after his stroke in 2004. He told USA TODAY in an e-mail interview in December, "I'm encouraged by
the many people who tell me I'm an inspiration to them." He added that
he tried to keep a positive attitude "and attack every day with the
thought things are going to get better."
In the undying words of the legacy known as Dick Clark, may he rest in peace,
"The Show Must Go On"
http://life.time.com/culture/dick-clark-an-american-life/#2
As I'm about to leave, I make sure to use the bathroom (read as emptying my bladder) and thanks to Murphy's Law the plug in the end of the catheter pops out before I'm ready and a bit of urine leaks out. At this point I refused to spend another 45 minutes getting in and out of bed to change so I grab some towels, spot clean and head out with a wet spot on my right thigh. I figure the valley heat and wind should dry me off in no time. Sorry if that's a little gross, but after doing it so many times, I absolutely refused!
