To Pain or Not To Pain

That is the question.

I woke up today and decided to see how I'd feel without my two drugs of choice. I take these two drugs in the morning to have a "mostly" pain-free day. Usually by the end of the day I feel like I have bruises all over my body, like I've been used as a punching bag. It makes deep breathing difficult, but I have to do it to break up the scarring on the lung tissue, also painful. Wish me luck.


Baclofen 10 mg = muscle relaxant




Dilaudid 2 mg = a pain free day

DREAMS

When I was first injured my dreams consisted of me walking, as did all my friends'. They changed according to the level of my acceptance. For instance I dreamed one night that I was in some sort of frantic situation. A man, whom I supposedly had a history with threatened, "Get in the car or else.". I must've been in a bind because I jumped in. We drove around a downtown area and I decided to get out onto a street when the car came to a halt. I was barefoot and started running. Then it's a whole montage of some other reality bank that I entered and me hastily trying to find someone. Then my dream switches to me being at a McDonalds. There was a "Walk-up drive-thru" that had a sitting patio adjacent to it. Odd right? Sitting area next to where people or cars can drive-thru. The taste of exhaust must be Mctastic. The patio consisted of about 8 or 9 round plastic covered red & yellow tables with tilted color-matched metal-paneled umbrellas. Kind of like what you'd see at some In-n-Outs. I walked through the drive-thru and ordered a Sausage Egg McMuffin w/cheese....yum....and then they told me that they didn't serve that item. I verified that they served the sandwich and the cheese separately and they did. I asked them to combine the items and they said they couldn't. So I ordered the two separately and asked for ketchup, odd because I usually don't order ketchup. (Or is it catsup? Spell Check says ketchup....we have a winner!). They didn't have ketchup but they had malt vinegar w/ s&p. The funny thing about it is that the McDonalds that I grew up next to is adjacent to H.Salt Fish&Chip. So I see Ruben & Esther sitting at one of the tables and out of embarrassment I go over and sit with them to apologize for not visiting them more often. Then I explain that I couldn't because I wasn't better yet. Walking yet. And they do the friendly, "It's o.k., we totally understand, whenever you're ready.".

Then I had a dream that was living in an all-white apartment complex that had conjoined apartments, Vegas-style. Instead of having a wall with a door as a partition, there were glass walls with sliding doors. Curtains were used for privacy. Apparently I drove a red truck because I was in a wheelchair next to one in the parking lot behind said apartment complex. While in the apartment I was in the wheelchair, but I would get up and walk around to do things. What does it mean?

I've had several dreams since then varying in levels of acuity. This morning I dreamt twice. (Took a break for a second to check out the new galileoscopes, they're only $15 + s&h. Check them out www.galileoscope.org for the Year of Astronomy. Home shopping - again to be explained in another blog, ugh.) The first dream was me in a different home environment, but still paralyzed. I was so annoyed that I couldn't get my clothes from a cabinet which was only 6 feet away, so I decided to see if I could balance well enough to get to my chair and walk over. A little wobbly at first, but I did it. I woke up because mom was helping my 1/2 conscious self get dressed but I soon returned to dreamland. I was in a bed. In front of the bed was a door covered by tall thin stems of greenery that led down to a garage. It was used as a meeting room, but since it was the weekend, because today is Saturday, and the Salute to Recreation carnival is going on.....mmmm, hawaian donuts, oh sorry side tracked again, a group of people gathered to have some sort of potluck. Certain events occur blah blah blah, and then I decide to get up and walk to see if my legs were working. I stood up and took one meager step forward then proceeded to slowly walk further. Now I'm outside. The grass feels wet, the mud feels cold and clammy, the dirt is digging into the skin between my toes. It was wonderful. My body was stable enough so that I could hold my phone out and take a picture of an amazing red-dotted pattern in the sky. I saw pieces of a flower reaching out. I proceeded to see friends and join into what ever prankster-driven activity that was commencing. I've pulled a few in my days.

What the!!!

Where was this when I needed it? And to add insult to injury, I found it on clearance from $50 to $4.99...
Come on!

Pain, an old friend.

I was speaking to my childhood best friend the other day and we were talking about being older. We're both independent, single without kids, and workaholics that kind of look the other way when it comes to dating. Indwelling insecurities of all sorts have made us both self-sabotagers. We recanted on old flames who happened to be best friends, the trouble we got into (which we loved), and wondered what had become of them. She had suggested checking out Facebook because it seems to be the trendy adult online community these days and I did. Maybe I shouldn't have. I had tried searching for my ex before and failed at every attempt. God was trying to tell me something, He was sparing me this pain that we all dread. It's the kind of pain that swells within the chest cavity, slowly radiates up to your neck and laterally towards your back and shoulders incapacitating all movement. All of the energy is concentrated inside begging to cry. And before you know it you've crumbled and your eyes are overflowing with tears while your face looks like your void of feeling. It's like darkness covers you.

We had remained great friends post-breakup because we were such great friends before dating. Almost like best friends who had an intense love for one another from the first time we dated. Chemistry unmatchable. After several years, he disappeared. It turned out that his wife hated me because she had read his old diaries that would say wonderful things about me. Maybe it was jealousy, but I know if I were in her shoes, I'd be a little upset too. I guess some people can't stand the idea of their partners having friends of the opposite sex, especially when they're exes.

So I found him.....and his wife....and his 2 beautiful children. They looked so happy and I felt equally happy for them. He had always wanted kids and we were too young when we were dating/engaged. I always say it was the right person at the wrong time. I still want to have kids and get married, and of course, walk. But one day at a time. Time heals all things.

Love comes and goes, but I know now more than ever that God's love is unmatchable and eternal. I find solace in that and in the fact that love waits for me. I'm listening to Aretha Franklin's "Till You Come Back to Me". I'm waiting for love.

New Wine Skins

Today was a good day, painful, yet good. I was able to make it to church because I promised myself that no matter what, I'd be there. My Pastor (A.J.) was passing on the torch of church leadership to the new Pastor (Manny). Both of them have been instrumental in my walk with God. Well actually, the whole church has been key to my walk with God. It was good to be home. I haven't had that feeling in almost a year and now I was experiencing it with new gratitude.

It wasn't my time to go home yet, but it was Mr. Daniels. He was an amazing man through and through. He was an "experience". As the saying goes, "They broke the mold when they made him". Mr. D was such an inspiration on how to live life. The superintendent (ahhhhh) of our conference gave the sermon today and he used the example of new wine skins. The idea of change and how you dealt with it. Would you use an unshrunk piece of material to patch up a pre-shrunken material? No because it would eventually shrink w/ washing and create another hole in the fabric. Would you put new wine in old wine skins? No because the old wine skins would burst. The same goes with change. For instance I can't live my life with the old mind set on how I used to do things. I need to adapt my way of thinking and processing. I can still do what I used to do, but with some creativity and a lot of drive. God has given me the heart to do all things and all things are possible with God. My life is a daily testimony to that. Mr. and Mrs. Daniels expressed this idea not with words, but with actions. He was the older gentleman that still wore ties and suits to church, brought his bible faithfully, and loved hymns, yet he and his wife would purposely sit with the youth who were the complete opposite because he knew that it would take a different approach, an honest heartfelt approach to share the real love of God with them.

Carolyn and Dan Daniels were married 60-some-odd years and are some of the people that I really look up to. They told me briefly about the adoption of their daughters. I knew that adoption was something I really considered when it came to having children though some people are very pessimistic/hesitant when the topic of adoption comes up. I recall Mr. D. saying (when asked about sexual preference by the adoption agency) that "Either make or model was fine" They had no bias, just a lot of love to give. How amazing. When I grow up I want to be like them. Thank you Daniels!

Friends who know me know that I was very active at church prior to all of the life changes, hence the idea of my training wheels being removed. It was time to put my faith in front of me, to trust in each consecutive step. A lot of people search for themselves, for their purpose in this life, and ultimately want to know what happens when we're done with this life (for all you philosophy majors). My friend's brother said it best. Death is not a period, but a comma. And then....

We all have opinions and belief systems in place, most with a common foundation. I'm no theologian, and am far from a place to pass judgment, but I can share what I've figured out. I have learned to pray for two things. How to pray, and for God to give me more wisdom. Many people dear to me have shared with me what they'd figured out and we just keep telling people with the desire of passing on good news.

One thing I can say is that I was given an amazing present for Christmas. My family: My biological family, my Church family, my dance family, my childhood friends, and my lifelong friends. In church we are taught that we belong to the body of Christ. Each of us being important similar to each part of our body having purpose and being important for something. Like when you want God to listen to you or you need a hug or a high five, we are tangibly that body of Christ. When I need a hug from someone who loves me unconditionally or I need answers about something, I know there is someone in my church family who can physically give me those things. God is working through them. God worked through each and every one of you when He sent you my way. You were my angels during one of the hardest times in my life. I'm eternally grateful for the way He worked in you to help me pass the time while I waited for surgery, while I recovered, while I healed. I think of that theatrical phrase, "Send in the clowns". You know when things aren't going so great, they would send in the clowns. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for lifting me up.



Living Sacrifices Romans 12:1-8

1.Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, act of worship. 2. Do not conform1.Therefore, I urge you, any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will. 3. For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. 4. Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5. so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. 7. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; 8. if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

Some quotes from friends:
Overcome your uncertainties and free yourself from dwelling on sorrow. If you delight in existence, you will become a guide to those who need you, revealing the path to many. -Sutta Nipata

“Happiness is different from pleasure. Happiness has something to do with struggling and enduring and accomplishing.”- George Sheeha

Son of a....

Are you kidding me? I recently had my laptop cleaned up due to it's slow performance and my brother's dissatisfaction for said performance. I tried to reinstall my mobile phone's syncing software in order to back up all the newly aquired info and ran into all kinds of problems with the software, both the cd and the downloadable version. When I finally downloaded the current syncing software I couldn't sync the information to Outlook. So because I'm a retard, I picked the wrong option when syncing information and deleted ALL of my contacts, their info, my appointments, all of my pertinent medical information such as health care professional numbers, and tasks, etc...

YEARGHHHH! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

On top of that, when I called T-mobile customer service (who couldn't help me) to ask about possibly recovering the lost information, they asked me if I had backed up the info.....pause....

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

OK, good night
:)

But at least now, everything is in sync w/ Outlook. Ugh.

2 Minutes Does Make a Difference

I woke up today with the idea to journal my dreams because they're always strange. Probably resulting from lack of sleep and the return of hot/spicy foods into my diet. For those who don't know, I LOVE Tapatio, so much that I would buy the 1 gallon handle from Smart and Final. But then another thought interrupted me, the thought of knowing that it's been 1 year since this all started. The same birthday celebration was on again and I had unexpected feelings of sadness and a never ending reality check. I would've been on my way to the gathering, but now I can't even go down the street without the fear of falling out of my wheelchair....again.

About 2-3 weeks before the accident happened I was on my usual ride home. The 750 was a great ride down Ventura Blvd. Quick, a third of the stops and usually a quiet ride. For some reason I was feeling low, what I had been experiencing for about 6 months was getting under my skin. I felt tired, slightly depressed, and as if my jail sentence was being served publicly. I prayed some fatal prayers that day on the bus. I prayed sincerely for patience, a change in my life, and for a purpose and then I sealed the deal by praying it in Jesus' name. Really.

On Christmas Day I wanted to get to work as early as possible so that I could spend the evening with my family. I didn't want to risk driving to the Orange Line fearing I'd get arrested for driving w/out a license. Wouldn't that be a great gift? I left home 2 minutes early thinking I'd stroll up to the bus instead of walking at the usual hurried pace. There was a slight drizzle so I took out my umbrella. I approached Reseda where I usually crossed and noticed that there was one car on the road heading North. I crossed the street knowing I had enough time to avoid the car, but I wasn't counting on the fact that the driver would cross 6 lanes over to the sidewalk where I was. I took the last jump to get on to the sidewalk and before I knew it I had been hit by the car and thrown about 35 feet. There was no pain, just spinning in the air. Then a second thud, I don't know if it was from the car again or from ricocheting off of a stationary object. I landed on my back and quickly oriented myself as to which way I was laying. Unable to move, I used my hands to feel the area around and as I did, I thought I had found my back pack, but the more I felt, the quicker I realized that it was my leg. I was paralyzed from the waist down, but then an even greater fear set in, the fear of not being found. I realized that the driver had stopped long enough to look at me, but then left. Great, a hit-and-run. The driver had hit me so hard that the front bumper and one headlight had dislodged themselves from the car.

It was 5:16 a.m. on Christmas Day and everyone was asleep. I screamed for a few minutes and like an angel, a man appeared. He calmly asked me what had happened and I was lucid enough to beg him to call 911 and my mom. He didn't have a phone but quickly found two people who did. Fortunately the fire station was half a block down as was the police station. The only thing I remember from that morning was the look on my mother's face painfully screwed up in tears, barely able to stand and about to collapse in the rain and my brother rushing to my side, kissing me on the forehead, assuring me I would be o.k. and that he was there. It's never easy watching your family fall apart. Not knowing anything at that moment, I was kind of at peace thinking that panicking wouldn't help, but I knew that my life was changed forever. An answered prayer? An answered prayer.

Due to the holidays, the neurosurgeon that would save my life was on vacation. I waited about 4 days in a Rotorest bed disdainfully nicknamed it the rotisserie bed. It stabilized a spinal injury patient while rocking them side to side in order to prevent pressure sores on the back. The synthetic material made it hot, the inexperienced nurses made it painfully unbearable to stay in, and my hair insulated my head, making me even hotter and crankier. I eventually wore my nurse down and got her to chop my hair off. The best chop job I must say though. But THANK GOD for my friends and family. They seem to come non-stop for about two weeks. That is the only way I survived. The ones who stayed overnight to cool me down from fevers and the ones who distracted me with their kindness and thoughtful gifts during the daytime.

So here's the damage. I was the victim of a hit and run. A driver was either asleep or drunk and hit me while I was crossing the street to get to the train. I suffered a compound fracture to my T10 while my T9 was pushed forward. The procedures performed over a period of 3 surgeries included a thoracic spine corpectomy, discectomy & fusion, a thoracotomy and a partial rib resection. They used a metal cage, plate, screws, human bone and 2 chest tubes. After spending 3 months in Rehab with therapy 6 days/week, the only pain I have now is in my back and right lung. It's manageable. Up until now, the driver hasn't been caught and the case is getting colder as time passes, but the city council has approved a $50,000 reward. I've made the choice to look forward from this point on because the present and the future is where my happiness awaits. Your visits, prayers, phone calls, and well wishes made it all possible for me to endure as long as I did because I honestly wasn't sure if I would have survived the things to come. I can say that the spectrum of my life has changed and although I'm paralyzed from the waist down I am feeling a tiny bit more every day. Yeah! I'm still whole as a person in mind and in spirit. I still have funny jokes, a passion for life and still laugh a lot. I don't laugh as hard....yet. I'm working on that. I'm home now and am adjusting slowly. My brace is off and my balance is that of a 6 month old learning how to sit up. I am a jelly bean. lol. I will be continuing rehab in an out patient setting.

A good friend told me, "It's as if angels laid you down" and I believe him. No head trauma or loss of consciousness, no other broken bones, no internal organ damage, no open wounds, and I was thrown opposed to being trampled. I gotta count my blessings.

That's the whole story.
If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.