I spent this entire day waiting to get home, sucking back fits of ugly tears.
I accept a lot.
Paralysis, a broken body that keeps breaking down, anxiety, depression, fear of lack of independence, physical separation on a human level and on a living situation level (I live downstairs and am not skilled to get out of my chair on to the floor (unless I'm being tossed out - it's not pretty) let alone up the stairs. That education has been put aside until I can get at least 10% (20 lbs) off of me (if ever). I'm not a part of my family completely. I'm Harry Potter living in the cupboard under the stairs sans the hateful family.
When PMS hits the fan, duck! It's like the wrestler who comes out of nowhere with "the chair". Emotions become icing on top of fondant, coated in chocolate, then shoved into a molten lava cake...it's too much, it's artificial and real at the same time.
Today, everything went wrong and I feel like I'm crumbling inside. I could be tired, my blood sugar could be out of whack, I most likely have hormones running a muck like 2-year-olds on Pixy Stix. It's overwhelming. If I wasn't so vain about the great makeup job I did today, I'd be sobbing my eyeballs out.
I was reminded this morning about how little I have (possessions downsized 75% from an apartment), and how much space it takes, how annoying it is to some people. It's like moving all your stuff to a Manhattan Loft. No space. Oddly enough the stuff taking up space is mostly medical supplies...again reminded of how much of a burden one can feel like when not able to fully function like before. Fuck.
On the way to work I had a driver who wanted to complain about her ungrateful daughter that she refuses to call because she thinks that a selfish 22-year-old is abnormal. Well it's not my kid, it's yours...just saying. Don't push your pity party into mine (Selfish mental rants galore).
I was left behind by my work shuttle and was treated like a nuisance when I asked for help with the mobile shuttle tracker because their driver left me.
Lots of little things went wrong today.
I am always grateful for the big picture and know that I have to endure today. I just can not wait till I get home to become a basket case. Is that weird to schedule basket case moments and pity parties? How convenient. ::sarcasm::
