Pain, an old friend.

I was speaking to my childhood best friend the other day and we were talking about being older. We're both independent, single without kids, and workaholics that kind of look the other way when it comes to dating. Indwelling insecurities of all sorts have made us both self-sabotagers. We recanted on old flames who happened to be best friends, the trouble we got into (which we loved), and wondered what had become of them. She had suggested checking out Facebook because it seems to be the trendy adult online community these days and I did. Maybe I shouldn't have. I had tried searching for my ex before and failed at every attempt. God was trying to tell me something, He was sparing me this pain that we all dread. It's the kind of pain that swells within the chest cavity, slowly radiates up to your neck and laterally towards your back and shoulders incapacitating all movement. All of the energy is concentrated inside begging to cry. And before you know it you've crumbled and your eyes are overflowing with tears while your face looks like your void of feeling. It's like darkness covers you.

We had remained great friends post-breakup because we were such great friends before dating. Almost like best friends who had an intense love for one another from the first time we dated. Chemistry unmatchable. After several years, he disappeared. It turned out that his wife hated me because she had read his old diaries that would say wonderful things about me. Maybe it was jealousy, but I know if I were in her shoes, I'd be a little upset too. I guess some people can't stand the idea of their partners having friends of the opposite sex, especially when they're exes.

So I found him.....and his wife....and his 2 beautiful children. They looked so happy and I felt equally happy for them. He had always wanted kids and we were too young when we were dating/engaged. I always say it was the right person at the wrong time. I still want to have kids and get married, and of course, walk. But one day at a time. Time heals all things.

Love comes and goes, but I know now more than ever that God's love is unmatchable and eternal. I find solace in that and in the fact that love waits for me. I'm listening to Aretha Franklin's "Till You Come Back to Me". I'm waiting for love.