Faith & Trust

Disclaimer:  I do count my blessings and know that He is in control.  But it's natural to have these thoughts running around.  They happen frequently, but I know to stop, breathe, and look to God for understanding, wisdom, and peace.

I've had so much time to think.


You always wonder what you did wrong.

Loaded questions are endless...

Why did life turn out like this?

     Why didn't I ever want -or dream about- marriage                  or kids (before)? 

                 Why am I so self-sabotaging when it comes to relationships? 

          

                                         What *exactly* makes me unattractive, besides the weight? 

...

There are a thousand answers (right & wrong) and it could be anything.

I get the part that childhood plays; the psychological effects of bad parenting, traumatic events that occur in your adolescent life, friends and peer pressure.  It's a multifaceted environment that's not so easily understood, unique to the individual.  Though at every event, someone's been there to help bring me through, to throw out a lifesaver when I was in need.  Life is pain, yet by choice, if you allow yourself, you can see that the good days are worth waiting for, worth surviving for.  Most of us figure that around the age of 30.

I watched a sermon last week that reminded me that confidence cannot be taken nor robbed from you.  It must be given away by you and lost by your own doing.  It reminded me that having faith in the one that made me was as important as trusting that He would also carry me through this phase of my life and that I could be confident.  Faith was described as the practical outward expression of confidence in God.  Trust was the ability to continually have trust even when tried.  Faith and Trust.

The visual aid was a chair.  You usually have faith in a chair.  It's ability to hold you doesn't really come to mind and you sit with confidence.  BUT, if it breaks (for whatever reason) will you just not sit in chairs again?  Or will you understand that that broken chair doesn't represent all chairs?  

If my heart is broken once, will I avoid all relationships?  If I have a car accident, does it mean I quit driving?  If my dance partner drops me, will I not dance with him again?  Well, the last one.... lol. 

If I'm hit by a hit&run driver and am paralyzed from the waist down, will I lose my trust in God? 

No.

For me it is that simple.   The reason being that internally, I feel better than before.  My soul, my spirit have been restored.  Externally I'm broken, but the inside is strong.  How are you internally?  I was broken, though it wasn't visible.  As much as I miss my life prior to injury, I don't think I would change this.  (But something less traumatic would've been okay, right? lol)  ::sigh::

The following is easy to say, yet not an easy perspective to have in the midst of a storm:

"Don't tell God you've got a big problem,

tell your problems you've got a big God.".

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