Constant Adjustment

I'm unsure why, but I'm only inspired to write when I'm in agony and am compelled to write in order to keep everybody up to date with my progress.  In the end, I always feel better after jotting it down.  

Last night, Halloween, my brother had friends over in the evening for a potluck.  No one was really expected to dress up, yet some did, even the pets. lol.  My brother's dog is like family, so their friends also brought their "kids"....a.k.a. pets.  Halloween allows us to be someone we're not during the other 364 days of the year, so in the spirit of dressing up, all I could really do was my makeup a little more extravagant, and a little more orange.  As I finished up I was looking for my false eyelashes and remembered that I had about 20 in my room up stairs.  I asked my mom to bring my camera to photograph the room in order for me to tell her where to look.

When I saw the photos, I snapped for some reason.  They triggered me emotionally into a state of anger.  Anger about my situation in general.  I went from having a room to living in the former living room downstairs.  This was due to the accessibility issue.  Our house has 2 flights of stairs that I cannot ascend and we've been sloooowly making this as much of a living area as possible.  It's reminiscent of a Manhattan  apartment....small.  (At least, there's no room mates.)

Thankfully there's a wooden floor that's easy to roll around on.  As far as furniture goes, I've got a hospital bed w/ a trapeze for me to grab on to, my brother's old desk-so that I could work and do bills, and some basic necessities, you know, a  microwave, mini fridge, and a toaster.  An old kitchen table from the garage serves as extra work space or a table so people can eat with me.  The old wall unit was converted from holding dvds, books, and memorabilia, to a storage area for my clothes, medical supplies, food, and some of my books and miscellaneous items.  I don't have any drawers yet (7 months later).

I have difficult reaching things that are too high or too low, so every bit of space counts and I'm really anxious to make this work because every day that it doesn't reminds me of how much my situations sucks.  I feel like I've been uprooted and imprisoned into a life which I did not expect.  My room upstairs never seemed so far and to see the pictures really bothered me.  My family has slowly been doing the "let's clean up and put the stuff in her room for now until we can figure what to do with it" thing so it's slowly becoming a room of crap AGAIN.  GOD, just get rid of the stuff, we live down the street from a Goodwill for crying out loud.  How much easier does it have to get?   We're not going to break apart the puzzles to do them again....He-LOOOO!

Then nobody could find my bag of eyelashes and I can't recall if I took them down to storage or not.  I just want to ransack my room, AND I CAN'T.  I want to rummage through my drawers AND I CAN'T.  What really bothers me is that I have to wait on people to help me, and I want to do things NOW.  Only when I get really upset does my family stop and help me.  I don't like being upset, it's annoying, and I hate whiny people.  Ugh.  Frequently I want to pick stuff up and chuck it across the room so that it's utterly destroyed, then realize that I'd need help to clean it up.  Then I get really fired up and have to pray to God for His peace and understanding.

I miss privacy and quiet.  I stay up pretty late to enjoy the quiet wee hours of the night.  Right outside of the  sliding glass door is our abnormally loud beast of an a/c unit which makes it difficult to hear the t.v. or read.  Above my area is the kitchen, so there's constant clanging, dish washing, newspaper rustling, and foot traffic.  At the top of the stairs, next to the kitchen, is my brother's t.v. which can get loud when it's on (stupid commercial audio levels), or when he's playing video games.  It's like dueling banjos and it seems like I'm the only one cautious and respectful enough to adjust my volume in case it's too loud.  Our house is pretty open so I can hear pretty much everything.....everything....EVERYTHING.  I smell when the refrigerator is open, I hear my brother's dog run around, I smell the air as it spirals around the house when any doors are opened.

The cherry on top last night was my brother fighting with mom.  He was upset about something she had misplaced and was trying to get her to understand the point he wanted to make.  Have you ever poked a bear with a short stick?  It was the wrong time to upset her.  It was late, she was tired, and she had to help me into bed.  I haven't heard mom yell like that since I was in high school.  I wanted to tell him to shut the "F" up and leave her alone.  Make your point later!  Right now, feelings are settling down and it'll be brought up sooner or later because as much as you're upset with mom you can't just keep pissing her off hoping to get somewhere.  


........sigh........

I miss being able to take refuge in the quiet recesses of my room.  No noise, no cooking, no dogs, no overheard conversations.  Just me, the kitties, a glass of water, and quiet. 

If I could just make it there....

I find peace and solace in prayer, in the Bible, in music, and in my dreams, where I walk, dance, laugh, and am free.