The Drive

A good friend of mine, now a licensed therapist, came to visit me in the hospital one day. She said something so important to me, something that I have to remind myself of everyday. "Don't have survivor guilt".  I hear the cliche over and over again, "It could've been worse, count your blessings".  Separating yourself from yourself is mind consuming.  I've arrived at a happy medium.  I'm thankful that I'm alive, I count my blessings daily, I pray (talk) to God everyday about EVERYTHING and tell myself that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and that everything is in perfect working order.  I accept it.  There, I said it. lol

I was on my way to Cedars Sinai today to get some papers filled out by my Dr.  While on the ride down the 405 I was thinking.  Because let's face it, being on the 405 South at 9:30 a.m. is just as good as sitting in a parking lot.  I threw on my ipod and started listening to a great salsa song and the thoughts started rolling around.  I thought, "God I have to walk again.  I can't imagine my life without dancing.".  To be given a gift (dancing) and to have it taken away was devastating.  It's where I felt at home aside from singing in church.   I haven't been able to sing like I used to but am working on that.  And remember I can sing, I don't saaaaaang, okay?  And I know there's such things as ballroom wheelchair dancing, but it's not the same.  It's just NOT.  Not to put it down, but it's like painting with a computer mouse; you can do it, but it's not the same, though it would be pretty interesting.  Like the guy who did typewriter art......

I digress. 

So I've arrived at the season of my life where I seriously accept and contemplate the idea of getting married and having little rugrats.  I never wanted either till about two years ago.  I love the idea, I love kids, in fact I'm friggin' awesome with kids and they love me, yet the idea of having my own scared the hell out of me.  You know when you get those dumb ideas like, "What if I roll over my kid while he's sleeping next to me?". lol  I guess that comes with commitment-phobia.  But I'm ready.  I actually want it, really.  I'm a little late in the dating game and I don't see my condition as a deal-breaker, but just another thing about me that someone would have to accept.  

I want to stand and dance at my own wedding.  I want Ollie or Mr. Foster to give me away to the awesome guy that's out there.  And I don't want to just have a first dance, I want to dance till 3 a.m. until my feet fall off because they're throbbing.  I'm throwing it out there to God and the universe.  I want it.  I want to walk, I want to get back in the gym, I want to walk my kids to school, I want to jump on the subway and go wherever without having to think about whether my destination is or isn't wheelchair accessible, I want to travel, and I definitely want to be an awesome testimony to God's great power and mercy.  I am waiting.

I WANT IT!