I'm F.I.N.E.

I'm a get-up-and-go kind of gal and though my mind is still in that mode, my body is not. For the past few days I've been dealing with the inability to just leave bed, whether it's to get a glass of water, or to do something on the laptop. I can't reach the light switch so I haven't been able to read in bed, so I default to watching cable. Thank God for Roseanne reruns lol. I had a fear the other night that someone was in the house because a rickety type of noise (like someone trying to jiggle something large and heavy open) woke me up. I could've sworn that I saw light, like that of a flashlight, dancing down the stairs and fluttering on the small accordion door in my living area. Most likely it was my cats making the ruckus and my eyes playing tricks on me. A fear of not being able to jump out of bed "just in case" really bothers me, but I'm proud to say that I can finally get in and out of bed with almost zero assistance.

The future is uncertain. I recall my pastor telling me that though faith and fear don't live in the same house, they have one thing in common. Neither one can predict the future so you can either have faith in what's to come or fear it. Relationships have been on my mind, old flames, future possibilities. I wonder who God will put into my life and how it will happen. Kids have always been in the picture, but I really considered adopting because there are so many great kids out there. I think about where I'm going to live, how happy I'll be when I figure "it" out, and get back to where I started so I can worry about little things again, like what time I'm supposed to meet a friend for dinner.

For now I've been ignoring phone calls, opting to text people back because I don't feel like putting up a good face or answering the all purpose questions as well intended as they are meant. I'm still me inside, yet I find myself reaching the extreme ends of the human spectrum when it comes to how I "feel". "How are you?" is an automated question rendered when we greet one another. But when is it sincere? People ask me this question frequently, and "Fine" is usually my answer of choice, but I've answered, "o.k." or "I've had better days" which are generally true. I can be pretty honest if I know you well, but sometimes I hate to explain what I'm going through because sometimes I don't know what I'm going through or I'm trying not to think of how I am.

A friend from my support group told me that "fine" stood for:

F - f'd up
I - insecure
N - neurotic
E- Emotional

I laughed. Thanks Jeanette.

I write more when I'm depressed or on my way to the dark side. Getting it out alleviates the physical feeling. Writing forces me to face myself. Today was hard. The pain is slowly subsiding, but as the days go on (2 months and counting since I came home) I find myself trying to find steady ground again. I'm facebooking more often, but keeping up with my friends' hourly reports results in me missing my old life and trying to understand what my life is to be now. I know there's a purpose, yet my anxious child-like self is getting frustrated while waiting. My brother and his girlfriend have birthdays coming up and as much as he wants to include me, I know there are some places I just cannot navigate. I don't want him to change plans just for me but it makes me yearn for my old self, when I could run around and put something together for him or help him plan his special event. He likes to have a party every year and this year he wants to include my homecoming with the birthdays. I feel odd.

My inability to do things the old way leads me to feel dark. This is how I used to feel when I used to drink more often. Maybe it's the idea of "Why me God", then I think it's the apathetic part of me that knows I HAVE TO do things a new way. It's not even a choice, I can't just try to do things, I have to do things if I want to get around, eat, do laundry, etc. There is no lazy day or night anymore. Getting dressed is a 40 minute ordeal, I have to wake up at night to turn myself, to empty my bladder to make sure my legs are alright. Ugh. But mom is with me everyday to help me and Ollie and Kat avail themselves if I really need them. What is it that Yoda says? "There is no try, there is only do." hmm.

The summer is here, along with all of the salsa congresses, dancing under the stars, outings with friends, trips, and things that were already rituals of my life. I've been telling myself to suck it up because life will get better. I know from past experiences that this is not the end. I didn't want any visitors at the house for awhile because of the adjustment period, yet I welcome them because these are the people who care enough to think about me, the ones who carried me through the last 4 months, through life.

My thoughts are random so I hope this wasn't hard to follow and I'm sorry if I've not returned your calls or have abstained from human contact. I just don't know who I am sometimes.