Like many of my friends, I too have slowed down significantly with blogging. I've got a few ideas jotted down and several blogs started. I realize that if I don't write at the point of thought, that the blog tends to get sidelined until the "feeling" returns.
I did however want to keep updated with my progression. I spoke to a girlfriend the other day who blogs a ridiculous amount of material, but it's because she has so much to talk about, child abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, and all of these topics in raw uncensored format. We agreed that blogging helps to soothe a savage beast that's just dying to get out. In fact, it prevents it from growing, keeps it in a non-morphing state, manageable. If you've got a monster growing, I suggest you write, and if you don't have one, write about your journey.
A few weeks ago, I had a long day. After a long day at work and a productive time at the SCI support group on Thursdays I called my brother so that he could pick me up from the hospital where the group is held at. After a series of miss-communications, his girlfriend shows up with their dog instead of him. I'm not quite comfortable with her yet, well most people in general. There are a few people I'm comfortable with as far as car transfers go and though she says she's comfortable with me, the feeling is not yet reciprocal. I love their dog as much as they do, but get a little peeved when they bring it with them to pick me up. I let the dog sit on my lap because I love her, but it's damn annoying when I'm covered with dog hair and no one helps me to remove the hair. I mean I can't leave dog hair all over me, esp. because I can't show up to work like that. And yes, even a simple task like removing dog hair from my clothing takes much longer than usual.
To add insult to injury, my brother's gf offers to help me up the driveway of our home and starts pushing me.....on my back. I almost fall out of the chair and don't think I've ever used profanity like that in front of her before. I think I uttered something like "STOP STOP NONONONON...STOPSTOP! JFC STOP!". ( I hate how you can't take words back. I repented quickly.lol) So I had to take a breather and educate her. (F.Y.I., if you help push someone in a wheelchair, push the CHAIR, not the person. ugh.)
Upon reading my mail once inside, it was like, uh oh, here it comes. I received a letter from the CA State Board of Pharmacy, a "Letter of Admonishment". You know it's not good when you get registered mail from a State office. I panicked upon reading the letter, thinking to myself, " I can't lose my job, it's the only income I have". With a contained panic, I looked up "admonishment" per the online dictionary to be clear on what they were telling me and basically, it's a written form of a scarlet letter stating that they're slapping me on the wrists and that I need to have the letter readily available at all times for 3 years. REALLY? I think I'll just scan it and download it to my phone...technology, eh? This D.U.I. is just a never ending nightmare.
I was going through all the emotions in the rainbow that day.
At the support group, we talked about "touch" for a while. I have to tell you that I miss hugs. Great big bear hugs where someone at some point gets lifted off the ground or gasps for air, lol. Now, I get awkward hugs because people are afraid to hurt me or just don't know where to place their arms. And inevitably, someone tends to get my makeup on their clothing. (Sorry if you're one of the lucky few)
Lack of sensation below the waist also means that there's no sexual urges either. Sex is all mental now and has to be reprocessed through different regions of the body because the sensation/stimulation points change once you mess with the nerves. It also has added to the warped sense of humour that I have because you're almost forced to think about it creatively, and me having a wild imagination???? It makes me wonder how perverse a person can really be. It's like getting a free ticket to think like a freak. Picture having sex with someone without having your genitals, you'll come up with some strange ideas. Living in So. Cal, and having cable make it hard to think about sex in a way that's not traditional. We've barely skimmed the surface in group about sexual intercourse, but people (usually the guys) are more functional than women. Everyone's different. Anyhow I'll expand on that later. But for now, we'll stay with touch. Someone suggested swimming. People with Spinal Cord Injuries (SCI) are always placed in warm water to help stimulate circulation, while others with paralysis due to degenerative diseases are placed in cold water. The warm water is said to be stimulating. If you think about it, our skins is one of the major sex organs, right?
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