A Witness

Feelings have a way of residing, and sometimes semi-retiring, in the back of one's mind. I dreamed about someone a few nights ago which caused me to wake up feeling sentimental. I've known this person for many years and have always had feelings for him. Time has changed both of us and, time and time again, we've reconnected intensely as friends only to lose touch once more. The feeling is similar to jumping on a trampoline, the stronger you launch, the further you get from the point of origin. There is a an unknown fear, like something you can't really put your finger on which prevents us from coming together.

Aesthetically, I'm not what he desires, but I know I can hold my own during conversation which is equally important. There's an excitement that swells up within me when chemistry is sparked via dialog, this feeling of understanding and knowing that at that moment, for those few hours, that you're with"that" someone, that all feels right, comfortable, and connected. Hours together that feel like minutes, never wanting the night to end. But it's a reciprocal feeling, not like when you're unsure of how that person feels about you because you've both been trying to hold your own. Just a natural flow of being with someone. You're neither man nor woman, you are not a certain age, you're just one soul enjoying time with another soul. I imagine this is what it feels like when you find the other half of your orange. I've felt this with few people in my life and am sometimes wishful that they would come back around or that I would be fortunate to feel this way once more. I'm open now.

I digress.....I want him to know that someone always thinks about him, wants the best for him, even as friends. There's a segment of the American version of "Shall We Dance" in which Susan Sarandon explains marriage to someone. "...It's being a witness to someone's life.." She explains that out of the billions of people on Earth that marriage is a way of letting someone know that their life doesn't go unnoticed. It's a promise to care about everything: the good things, the bad things, the mundane things. All of it, all the time, everyday, that their life will not go unnoticed because someone will be there to notice and witness it.

I heard another comment while watching Top Chef Masters. During the final challenge, chefs were given a budget, time constraints, and a surprise element. Each chef unknowingly chose a fellow chef's name and had to create a mystery basket of 7 ingredients for the chef that was chosen. The regular Top Chef show has young up-and-coming chefs who are predominantly caddy, obnoxious, self-absorbed, like they've so much to prove to the world and themselves. It wasn't rare to see them wishing for their competitors to fail, yet these master chefs had nothing to prove, they excel at and live doing what they love, cooking, and were additionally competing in order to give proceeds to the charity of their choice. They were rightfully confident, but not cocky. Upon opening the mystery boxes, each chef was given something they could use within their own style of cooking via a mutual respect mixed with wisdom and social grace amongst their peers. One chef said, "You have to give people opportunity. You should set people up to succeed, and not to fail." I was blown away by this. If only we were this way amongst our peers and competitors. That starts with the individual.

So even if I never date this person, I know that when I do find the right person that their life will not go unnoticed and I'll do my best to set them up to succeed.