There is no need...

..to lock your heart away.



I had a great workout the other day.  Towards the end I watched my therapist perform an evaluation for a new gym member.  She was injured 6 months before me and like most others that are injured in a similar time frame she's leaps and bounds beyond me in terms of moving on.  They drive, live on their own, take care of themselves for the most part and maybe, because life deems it necessary.  If you have kids, a spouse, a life long goal awaiting to be reached, or something else worth living for, those things seem to perpetuate you forward to do your best.  I lack focus sometimes and dwell on life daily.    I am attracted to my therapist, but not in a romantic way.  It's more like a "bromance".  LOL.  We get a long well, the dialog flows well, the jokes are abundant and time seems to disappear when we have therapy sessions.  I'm wise enough to know that we are just friends and I'm beyond grateful to have him as a therapist.


So the evaluation continues and a part of me, as usual, gets a teeny bit jealous.  Then I overhear him talk about getting her up into her leg braces and into a standing frame (an aide to help one stand for many health benefits).  My green eye monster subsides back into where it belongs, hidden away, and I start to think, "Why hasn't he ever brought up the subject of getting me up and standing?".  I know I need to have my bones checked first so I don't damage them.  (If you haven't stood for awhile you risk the chance of having soft bones and connective tissues, making the possibility of damage/fractures more real.)  The last thing I need is a broken leg. Ugh!  


My emotions started to get the best of me.  Maybe he thinks I won't be able to fully recover or stand.  Is it a quiet way to get me to do my best though he thinks I'd never walk?  I have a solid belief that this injury is temporary and a foolishly hopeful mind that thinks all things are possible.  Each spinal cord injury is different and recovery is just as unique for each individual .  I'm impatient, what can I say?


Rehabilitation is a multifaceted event which requires physical, emotional, and mental strength.  You have to want it bad enough to go after it everyday and still I struggle to find the reason.  Each workout makes me feel stronger, more capable, closer to independence once again, and then....I over think things and that's a fact well known to my closest friends.  I'm the epitome of a self-saboteur.  Most of it's mental and I don't share my over-thinking as much as I used to because it eventually subsides back into it's hidden place, back where the negative emotions lie dormant waiting for a catalyst.


I think of love, independence, peace, God's plan for my journey and all I can do is take it one day at a time.  Helping others makes me happy and I've begun to get involved with more fundraising events to help others who are disabled/wheelchair bound.  I don't want it to be a tool that gets me by because I know I genuinely love helping others.  I just need to find my focus.  There are days in which silently loving and caring for others frees me from my thoughts and I'm grateful that so many love me the same way.  I do my best not to take it for granted.  If you still yourself and meditate on things that are happening all around you, you'll see how blessed you are.  This thought process encourages me to keep going.  

So I try not to lock my heart away.  I choose to not be jaded, to be happy, open, to smile, even through these tough moments that last seconds but seem like an eternity....

It's A Love Hate Thing

As I peruse the internet for awesome Halloween makeup tutorials, because frankly I don't think about wheelchair-based costumes, I'm sipping on a Captain & Coke Zero.  The irony. 

After a super stressful day at work, new position and all, I left work stressed.  I have loads on my mind like bills that need to be paid, namely my lawyer's bill, bills I can't neglect, financial budgeting for physical therapy, paperwork I need to request early termination of probation and a probable expungement of my record, my blood sugar levels, cleaning and all the other day to day chores to name a few.

I left work stressed, made it to PT and left feeling great!  I was singing, I was tired, I was happy it was Friday.  TGIF!  On my way home, I made my usual stop to CVS (because I hate passing the area where I was hit by the car) and bought some Captain Morgain.  I'm a sucker for a Cap'n & Coke.  Then I saw that cigarettes were on sale and I bought a pack "just because".  I have started smoking again. blech, and am in the process of quitting again.....

I smoked on and off for years before I moved home and quit a few months prior to my accident seeing that I had finally become a gym rat and all.  I didn't smoke for about 2 years post injury because they had deflated one of my lungs and I wanted to give it the best possible chances for recovery.  Then one day, I had one of "those" days and it started again.  sigh.

I love my body enough to workout twice weekly with a therapist specializing in the paralysis population, but then do this kind of crap.  It's not awesome but how counter productive. 

Lately I've also thought about the prospect of dating.  I found a free e-Harmony app on my iPad and decided to fill it out.  I was honest about the paralysis and have had some prospects.  I'm too cheap to pay for a monthly membership right now because I really am NOT looking for anything long term right now.  Although I wouldn't be opposed to meeting someone and seeing where a friendship/relationship would end up.  lol.

I Don't Belong Here.....Not!

I have a circle of friends which consists of about 7 ladies.  In the last 4 years, 3 of these women have gotten married, and one more will be married within the month.  I was the Maid of Honor for my best friend's wedding last month and can now say that I know what insanity is involved when it comes to wedding preparations.  It has been a domino effect of "I do's".

It started with M.  We all flew out for her wedding in Chicago in 2008.  Incidentally, that was my last big hoorah before my life would be flipped upside down.  The week after her wedding, I would be surrendering myself to the authorities to accept punishment for my DUI.  Things went on, I came home after a day and months later, I was hit by the car which caused my paralysis.  In late 2010, SR got married, this year U, my BFF, got married in July, and next month SG will be getting married.  Whew!

This year the recent nuptial pandemic ,known to me, includes Prince William & Kate Middleton, a childhood friend's cousin which is basically my family, and an old friend from work who's been waiting almost a lifetime to commit (again) to marriage.

How can I NOT think about marriage, I'm surrounded, lol.

I have a FB friend that suffered the same level of injury as me but is 7 years post accident.  She cries a lot and wonders why anyone would ever marry her or anyone in our situation.  Her disability has become her identity and I've reminded her, as I have reminded myself hundreds of times, that your identity is not the chair, that you're still who you were before the accident.  She has had miraculous recovery.  "Sparing" is a term used by physical therapists and is said to be the amount of nerve recovery one experiences after surgical swelling goes down ( the most immediate effect ) and after years of recovery/rehabilitation, when nerves have had time to regrow (the long term effect).  They grow slowly, but with constant therapy and a strong will, the body seems to bounce back a little faster.  Every accident is like a snowflake, not a one is the same as someone else's.  No one knows how long it takes to recover fully, some do (a rare few) and some don't.  We keep pushing on knowing that if we don't take care of our bodies, that we will whither and die.  This girl has recovered feeling in both legs and is able to move her upper thighs a bit.  She's incredible and has an iron will to walk, but still thinks she's not good enough for someone to love.

If it's about the journey, then you can't stop loving yourself when a setback occurs.  Setbacks happen all through out this journey called life.  I have survived a car accident, paralysis, diabetes, a shredded toe, a broken heart, lost friends, but God has more than compensated me for these losses.  What I've been given is priceless, the love of true friends, a mended family that cares for me, a sense of purpose, a love of myself, great growth and wisdom that would've otherwise taken me years to learn, determination, and a sense of who my maker is.  He holds my hand daily and encourages me to go forward.  All these things are payable forward if you choose to do so.

So don't stop....anything.  Live, love, laugh, and trust that God will bring you towards your purpose.  Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you.

If you've given up, you've missed the point.

The Lord afflicts His servants—to glorify Himself, for He is greatly glorified in the graces of His people, which are His own handiwork. "We rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope!" The Lord is honored by these growing virtues.

We would never know the music of the harp—if the strings were left untouched. We would never enjoy the juice of the grape—if it were not trodden in the winepress. We would never discover the sweet perfume of cinnamon—if it were not pressed and beaten. We would never feel the warmth of fire—if the coals were not utterly consumed. The wisdom and power of the great Workman are revealed by the trials through which His vessels of mercy are permitted to pass.

Present afflictions tend also to heighten future joy. There must be dark shadows in the picture—to bring out the beauty of the lights. Could we be so supremely blessed in Heaven—if we had not known the curse of sin and the sorrow of earth?

Will not peace be sweeter—after conflict?

Will not rest be more welcome—after toil?

Will not the bliss of the glorified—be enhanced by the recollection of past sufferings?

Really, something else?

Physical injury strikes again.  Two weeks ago I was heading down for some PT at C.O.R.E., a new gym that I'm attending for physical therapy.  I go at times when nobody is around to drop me off or pick me up so I've been using the motorized chair more than usual.  I was in such a hurry that I switched from my manual chair to my power chair and didn't put the strap around my legs to keep them from falling towards the sides.  

Well I hit a bump in the road at some point which caused my left foot to fall off the footplate and it ended up getting trapped under the wheel mechanism.  It was just enough that my foot wasn't crushed or fractured but it was enough to cause my foot to have friction between the wheel and the asphalt.  I heard a noise like when a plastic bag gets caught on the car and drags so I decided to check out the bottom of the chair.  I looked and saw something black under the wheels.  I thought I ran over a black shoe than realized that it was MY black shoe.  God only knows how long I had dragged my foot for but by the time I showed up to the gym, I was leaving a trail of blood and began to make a pool of blood right there.  I asked them to come out and help because I didn't want to bring a mess inside.  Turns out that I had shaved my big toe down to the bone.  BLECH!

Thankfully my therapist is well skilled when it comes to Emergency Medical Response.  He elevated my foot, put pressure on the toe and got me some water and fruit (because I'm a diabetic).  911 was called and the paramedics arrived and verified that nothing was broken.  Ollie took me to Northridge E.R. and stayed with me for awhile.  I was transferred to Cedars where I got a healthy vigorous dose of I.V. antibiotics.  Some bone was visible and I ended up being hospitalized for 1 week to make sure that the bone didn't get infected by anything on the ground.  After a week of I.V. antibiotics, about 15 movies, a diabetic hospital meal plan, I was able to go home without surgery and oral antibiotics.  I'm thankful that I can't feel the pain as my foot heals, but then again if I could have felt my foot, I probably wouldn't have been in this predicament in the first place, right?

Another day in the life of me.