I had a great workout the other day. Towards the end I watched my therapist perform an evaluation for a new gym member. She was injured 6 months before me and like most others that are injured in a similar time frame she's leaps and bounds beyond me in terms of moving on. They drive, live on their own, take care of themselves for the most part and maybe, because life deems it necessary. If you have kids, a spouse, a life long goal awaiting to be reached, or something else worth living for, those things seem to perpetuate you forward to do your best. I lack focus sometimes and dwell on life daily. I am attracted to my therapist, but not in a romantic way. It's more like a "bromance". LOL. We get a long well, the dialog flows well, the jokes are abundant and time seems to disappear when we have therapy sessions. I'm wise enough to know that we are just friends and I'm beyond grateful to have him as a therapist.
So the evaluation continues and a part of me, as usual, gets a teeny bit jealous. Then I overhear him talk about getting her up into her leg braces and into a standing frame (an aide to help one stand for many health benefits). My green eye monster subsides back into where it belongs, hidden away, and I start to think, "Why hasn't he ever brought up the subject of getting me up and standing?". I know I need to have my bones checked first so I don't damage them. (If you haven't stood for awhile you risk the chance of having soft bones and connective tissues, making the possibility of damage/fractures more real.) The last thing I need is a broken leg. Ugh!
My emotions started to get the best of me. Maybe he thinks I won't be able to fully recover or stand. Is it a quiet way to get me to do my best though he thinks I'd never walk? I have a solid belief that this injury is temporary and a foolishly hopeful mind that thinks all things are possible. Each spinal cord injury is different and recovery is just as unique for each individual . I'm impatient, what can I say?
Rehabilitation is a multifaceted event which requires physical, emotional, and mental strength. You have to want it bad enough to go after it everyday and still I struggle to find the reason. Each workout makes me feel stronger, more capable, closer to independence once again, and then....I over think things and that's a fact well known to my closest friends. I'm the epitome of a self-saboteur. Most of it's mental and I don't share my over-thinking as much as I used to because it eventually subsides back into it's hidden place, back where the negative emotions lie dormant waiting for a catalyst.
I think of love, independence, peace, God's plan for my journey and all I can do is take it one day at a time. Helping others makes me happy and I've begun to get involved with more fundraising events to help others who are disabled/wheelchair bound. I don't want it to be a tool that gets me by because I know I genuinely love helping others. I just need to find my focus. There are days in which silently loving and caring for others frees me from my thoughts and I'm grateful that so many love me the same way. I do my best not to take it for granted. If you still yourself and meditate on things that are happening all around you, you'll see how blessed you are. This thought process encourages me to keep going.
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