Dad

We said goodbye years ago, so why was I still saddened to say, "Goodbye" one last time?

Four years post stroke and life in a rehabilitation hospital, my father passed away. He was a boisterous man who demanded to be the center of attention, made apparent by his 2 o'clock Sinatra karaoke sessions, almost nightly, like he needed constant validation. Having 6 siblings (or 7?) makes it understandable. He could only mumble the last 4 years from what I've been told, unable to be the voice in the center of the room, and had few family and friends as he notoriously burnt every bridge still standing. He was the center of ... nothing.

I forcibly left home at 18, then at 19, both times at his request. I realized I have zero pictures of us or any family photos really, after this time period. I initially came home for personal reasons and to take care of mom after her spinal fusion surgery around 2008.

 

Months after returning home, my accident happened and there you were again, trying to wrangle me into one of your business ventures in the Philippines while I sat there paralyzed in a hospital in a body brace unable to move. I think the last time we saw one another was 2009, you really tried to be with me, but the timing was so off. I truly believe you felt bad about us being estranged, but we were always awkward and never had the right words.

You were not the kindest man, lacked empathy, painted broad misogynistic strokes, were secretive, were a terrible husband, and did not treat us well. We lived in fear constantly and for good reason. At some point, you may have intended well in your mind, but you scarred us for life. Your darkness destroyed every bridge and every gesture of kindness. The idea of trust was foreign to you, perhaps it was how you were raised (?). I'll never know since we were never introduced to the family or really acknowledged.

Though you were dark, I always secretly hoped that maybe you'd be a real father, interested in, at least, our family. I will choose to remember the few moments of light as "Daddy's little girl", though maybe inaccurately, and know that we (my mother, brother, and I) are good people because of and despite of you. I am a lot like you for better or worse and am okay with that.

You built our front yard from scratch and were an exemplary engineer. After working in the Nikon factory, you went on to open Manny's Camera, initially with another Manny, across from KTLA next to a Coney Island burger joint on Sunset. I watched Xanadu on the television when waiting for you. Solo, you successfully became a Hollywood Staple for camera repair/maintenance. My love of photography and pictures came from all the photo journals you kept around. The many things you invented/created will be lost due to your mistrust of everybody and that saddens me.

Dad, I hope that you found peace at the end and that you are not suffering anymore.

Manny Ripoll Almalel "Noli"
01/01/1948-08/16/2017

4T!

Without question,  39 has been the most interesting year. I've met the most incredible people who have turned into mentors and friends alike.  I dove deeper into my family life and have conquered my fear children. My nephew is the light of my life, knowing that I was most likely not having children, God let me know that I was built to be an auntie.  My spirit is solid is connected to its fullest .

Feeling Grey

I'm always bouncing around the 5 steps of acceptance.   Today I'm fighting a tag team duo: Depression and Anger.  They're in good fighting shape.

I spent this entire day waiting to get home, sucking back fits of ugly tears.

I accept a lot. 

Paralysis, a broken body that keeps breaking down, anxiety, depression, fear of lack of independence, physical separation on a human level and on a living situation level (I live downstairs and am not skilled to get out of my chair on to the floor (unless I'm being tossed out - it's not pretty) let alone up the stairs.  That education has been put aside until I can get at least 10% (20 lbs) off of me (if ever).  I'm not a part of my family completely.   I'm Harry Potter living in the cupboard under the stairs sans the hateful family.

When PMS hits the fan, duck!  It's like the wrestler who comes out of nowhere with "the chair".  Emotions become icing on top of fondant, coated in chocolate, then shoved into a molten lava cake...it's too much, it's artificial and real at the same time.

Today, everything went wrong and I feel like I'm crumbling inside.  I could be tired, my blood sugar could be out of whack, I most likely have hormones running a muck like 2-year-olds on Pixy Stix.  It's overwhelming.  If I wasn't so vain about the great makeup job I did today, I'd be sobbing my eyeballs out.

I was reminded this morning about how little I have (possessions downsized 75% from an apartment), and how much space it takes, how annoying it is to some people.  It's like moving all your stuff to a Manhattan Loft.  No space.  Oddly enough the stuff taking up space is mostly medical supplies...again reminded of how much of a burden one can feel like when not able to fully function like before.  Fuck.

On the way to work I had a driver who wanted to complain about her ungrateful daughter that she refuses to call because she thinks that a selfish 22-year-old is abnormal.  Well it's not my kid, it's yours...just saying.  Don't push your pity party into mine (Selfish mental rants galore).

I was left behind by my work shuttle and was treated like a nuisance when I asked for help with the mobile shuttle tracker because their driver left me.

Lots of little things went wrong today.

I am always grateful for the big picture and know that I have to endure today.  I just can not wait till I get home to become a basket case.  Is that weird to schedule basket case moments and pity parties?  How convenient.  ::sarcasm::

What is a life worth?

Mamma mia, it's been 4 months since my last post.  The brain needs to be relieved.

I'm still working part time, working out 4 days weekly, am "trying" to consume 1200 calories daily, and am working on accomplishing physical goals that have failed multiple times over the past 18 or so yeeeeeaaaaarrrrrs.  I need to get this weight off.  My dietician always offers analogies of being thin and marry said analogies with the ideas of how life would be easier.  I've never been thin, well maybe when I was 10 or younger, so these ideas she tries to apprise me of seem foreign, unreal.  My faith in God is amazing, tangible.  The schoolgirl crushes have returned , but the mature woman in me (cougar status applicable?....divide by 2, add 8...) knows when to say, "when".

Someone I knew in the wheelchair community has passed on to her next great adventure.  It's the 2nd person in 2 years that has died as a result of unhealthy behavior.  The paralysis (life traumas for some, tragedies for others) can either perpetuate existing bad behaviors or force you to finally choose a new (better) path for your life.  NO middle ground really exists, just a murky combination of the two.  Coping skills are as unique as one's DNA and finding balance is a more complicated matter.  This young girl who's paralysis had resulted from her husband stabbing her in the neck, was spunky, loving, loud-mouthed, imposing, beautiful, awkward, and sweet.  Watching her life spiral downward, removing myself from her behavior, was sad to say the least.  She's free of her suffering and frustration, many of us will miss her.  Injuries, physical and emotional, would possibly be better remedied if we understood that to get better you had to make a choice to acknowledge your situation, choose to be educated, allow support (which is invaluable) from loved ones and community members, and put into action what you've learned, all under the umbrella of faith.  This I learned from an amazing mentor.

Getting older seems to be like deleting hundreds of e-mails all at the same time.  You start by innocently (or recklessly) clicking all the newsletters, replies upon replies, business notices, etc, and by the time you get to maybe the 200th e-mail you become more meticulous in selecting sequential messages because "one wrong click" results in all of your carefully selected "messages to delete" to UNcheck themselves and then....you have... to...start...over.  (Insert face palm).  Only in life, having to start over in your later years proves to be more difficult, frustrating.  My bankruptcy took 10 years to disappear, the D.U.I. along with the $15,000 I had to pay seem to be eternal, and the paralysis resulting from the spinal cord injury from a hit-and-run accident could be forever, but NEVER say, "Never".

I'm not dating and am not looking for Mr. Right, but know that I will take life's offerings and consciously experience all of it's amazing mysteries day by day.  I increasingly say, "yes" every day and one day will say "yes" to an amazing man.  I met with an old flame a few weeks back.  We've always had great chemistry as individuals/friends and that maintains, yet it's always a weeeeee bit awkward when he says "My wife" this, and "My wife" that.  His two kids are both in, and on their way to college and we now have conversations that consist of retirement plans, work ethics, physical accomplishments now that we're older, like low cholesterol, lol.  What we had was a lifetime ago, yet I cherish him because finding someone in this world that can reciprocate laughter and chemistry is truly a rare find.

Last Friday, I attended our church's women's group.  Forgiveness was the topic at hand and I was asked to share my testimony.  Forgiveness is a 2-sided coin in that you have the opportunity to both forgive, as well as, ask/receive forgiveness.  It's a divine act that calls us to replicate it if we say we love God.  It's choosing to remember a hurtful/painful situation with better perspective and offering the darkness to God knowing that he is capable of being completely just.

My DUI resulted from poor judgement and affected another human, their family.  I will never be able to undo or take back that night.  You know, I (you) easily could have been the driver that paralyzed someone or worse and was spared from ever having to experience that.

On the flip side, I found myself on the giving end after being hit by a vehicle in December 2008.  After many months of physical rehabilitation and time to think about my life, I reflected on the fact that God offered me grace, and matured me beyond my years in a mere matter of months.  Again, our roles could have been easily flipped.  The process is difficult and necessitates divine aid.  Many people wonder why I'm not vengeful, spiteful, depressed, or vindictive.  Truthfully, I have experienced grace, I own my faults and have learned to be a better human.  

I will say that the situation most difficult to approach is the hurt my brother experienced.  He's experienced a level of anger that has just now subsided to an intermittent low level hatred towards this individual.  I feel such sadness when I see the hurt in him.  As for me, I'm more assertive, more loving, compassionate, kind, more faithful, more open, more giving and I'm still funny as hell!  I lived, I survived, I won.  I'm in round 2 of my life and I choose to forgive the individual, the one that caused undue stress on my family, my friends, the one who wrecked my body, the one that caused all kinds of collateral damage in my life.  I pray that they experience God's grace and I pray that they become a better human too.

OOOOHHH and did I mention that I have a super awesome nephew now???  I doooooo and he's been able to put the biggest band-aid over the broken pieces of our hearts.  This little life fixed all of the adults in our home.

Meet JimJim!

 












In the famous words of Edna Mode, "You will remind him of who YOU are!...GO and confront the problem!  Fight!  WIN!..."

5 and ALIVE!

www.triumph-foundation.org

I have been more involved with this awesome non-profit organization, www.triumph-foundation.org.  Volunteering has allowed me to pay back (pay forward) the kindness that the founder and his wife brought to me when I spent my "Merry Christmas" in an Intensive Care Unit 5 years ago.  They hand out care baskets with informative "How to" brochures and goodies that help people newly injured with an SCI (Spinal Cord Injury) year round.  Extra love and cheer make them super special during the holidays.  He, like I, was injured and hospitalized during the winter holidays so we love to spread cheer and hope roundabouts this time.

Hope is alive as I've learned that the Christopher & Dana Reeve Foundation have expanded upon new fields of research to complement and create alternatives to regenerative medicine studies, a.k.a. stem cell research.  One such research involves Epidural Stimulation, while other new studies involve electroencephalography.  With bright hopes, the FIFA World Cup 2014 will start off with a paralyzed teenager making the first "KICK" of the games!  Things are definitely looking up!

Pairing this hope with a tangible hand to hold provides a light to help someone see the possibilities that life STILL affords an individual.  Triumph Foundation's motto is to help individuals with Spinal Cord Injuries to triumph over their disabilities and employs many resources to inspire and keep people moving forward with their lives by pushing themselves to get better every day

At the holiday party @ C.O.R.E., I was reminded of a powerful statement, "You'll find that your abilities far outweigh your disabilities and you ARE getting better everyday."  This motto is foundational to the way I approach everything now and can be applicable to anyone facing challenges, big or small.

A few weeks back I had a procedure.  For a moment I was saddened at the fact that I had to go in & go home ... alone.  People kept asking me how I was getting home or who was present with me to watch my stuff or sign paperwork, etc. and I had to keep repeating out loud, in my own words.

No one.

It's one thing to know this fact but to repeat it over and over again is just annoying.  1.  I don't want to dwell on the fact that I'm alone and 2.  I really can get around on my own, I'm fine, please stop asking me these questions.  (Don't get me wrong, I know it's protocol to make sure that someone who has been sedated doesn't drive themselves home, it was just poor timing for me.)

While waiting in the Pre-Op area, I had time to reflect on my current position, disposition, abilities, disabilities and came to the conclusion that I am really fortunate.  I do have seriously down days where I ponder about the "whys" of life, like, "Why would God would allow me to experience this?", but then, there's always this simultaneous up stroke, the silver lining which presents itself slowly when I pursue each day with a desire to allow my purpose to unfold.  I let go of the emotional insanity that can be easily aggravated by hormones, and choose to begin each day with gratitude and humbleness knowing that I am getting better in ways I never expected.

I love the phrase that states, "Sometimes we have to let go of things because they're........heavy."

So I begin my 6th year with gratitude and an eagerness to see what ,or who, will cross my path.

Oh, and I have a suuuuuuper cute chubby nephew to keep me preoccupied when I'm feeling down, and to add joy when I'm on top of the world. OH and a super cute niece born just 3 weeks after the little guy!

http://nesn.com/2014/01/walk-again-project-could-allow-paralyzed-teen-to-take-first-kick-at-2014-world-cup-video/

Amazing, have you tried it?

I was feeling very tired today but have had an amazing 24 hours.  Well, I guess every 24 hours is potentially  amazing if you choose to see it that way.  I am experiencing amazing things today because I choose to see them.  

I saw Robin Williams and Bobcat Goldthwait last night for an intimate evening exploring Robin's life: past, present, and future (all while laughing...I mean, piss in your pants laughing).  I enjoyed the company of a birthday girl, experienced fresh made ice cream created with the magic of blue velvet cake and nitrogen while rolling around Beverly Hills, slept, woke up another day (Thank God!), failed, forgave myself, and moved forward again.  Fall down 7 times, get up 8, right?  I worked at a job that I'm grateful for and made it home safely.

The evening commenced with doggy kisses, a hug from my brother, a laugh with my sister in law, and a wash of excitement over the nearing arrival of my nephew.  I worked my butt off with my favorite therapist and the awesome staff at C.O.R.E. (http://www.corecenters.info/) and enjoyed the kind of workout where you're dripping sweat down every part of your body all while laughing and sharing stories, and, ideas.  A new friend at the gym encouraged me to write.  She is a writer and a motivational speaker and had challenged herself to a 40-day writing challenge.  This sparked all kinds of ideas and incited a brainstorming session between me, myself, and I (3 awesome people, lol), so here I am writing (typing) again.

Tonight I was given a great explanation and example as to why mindset was so important.  A story about gazelles and lions and their reasons for running gave way to an explanation in which motivation, mindset, and consistent commitment were key factors in determining your goals and outcomes of said goals.  Practical work in conjunction with a plan would determine how great of a result you would achieve.  I believe "awesome" was a word used. :)

The computer was turned on, I cracked my typing knuckles and logged on and set the writing mood with the Beatles' Pandora station.  While online, e-mail was the first thing I checked and to my surprise an oooooold friend from the dancing scene had sent me an e-mail with warm salutations and shared that he had a dream that we were hanging out.  Amazing guy.  I meandered over to the Iconoclasts site in order to share the link with a friend and realized that I, myself, had experienced life changing alchemy with individuals, both short- and long-term, and was better connected to humans than I had previously imagined.  

When I checked my Facebook page (as we all do) I read a great post by an amazing individual I know in the wheelchair community expressing a choice to believe in the goodness of the human race because someone had returned his just-lost wallet with all contents accounted for.  This blessed him.  Key words: "choice" and "blessed". (side note: I've decided to leave my chosen FB language as English (Pirate), Arrrr you scallywags!)

 So as I sit here physically exhausted, I am singing and writing and realize that I'm experiencing "amazing" whilst writing about it.  Every part of my soul and spirit are nourished.

Good music, a loving family, a therapeutic workout for my body and soul, a homemade dinner, and more laughing.  Amazing, right?  God is good.

Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb. - Sir Winston Churchill

happy...

I don't think I've ever written a post being completely happy.  It's usually me blathering about negative things to rid my head of the sludge.  I find clarity once these thoughts have been thoroughly evacuated.

Call it endorphins, call it purpose, call it a "sense of self", but I'm in a simple word, happy.  It's not that life is perfect or that I am perfect but I know who I am.

We are getting ready to welcome a baby in our family, my first nephew!  This is the closest I think, I'll be coming to having kids for awhile.  My family unit at home is solid and dare I say, functioning.  We are open, honest, communicative, and in agreement to make things work.  Our family was broken for so long and began to repair the day I became paralyzed.  I would never change a thing or give this up for a former life of mediocrity, frustration, addiction, and loneliness.  The kind of loneliness I experienced was all self inflicted and driven by fear and self-loathing. 

Never have I been so sure of myself and my abilities.  My mind was not damaged by the car that hit me, but has been opened and awaken, freed.  This entire journey has brought me to a place of fortitude, solace, humility, strength, love, generosity, and freedom.

My relationship with God and my purpose have never been so clear and open.  The narrow road it is!  Nobody can shake my faith nor can they bring me down.  I am awake and feel confident to take every step forward afforded to me.  I am not afraid.

I was also enlightened to the fact that I'm rich.  I have art, music, love, a relationship with God, peace, and so much more that cannot be purchased with money.

I have made several changes in my life and have met an amazing abundance of people on the same journey experiencing the same self awareness and fearlessness.  I am physically getting stronger, spiritually sure, emotionally reigning in my thoughts and am learning how to evaluate said thoughts. Slowly but surely through consistency to new ways of thinking I'm conquering my food addiction and am healthier dietary wise.  My life is not mine anymore and I join in the energy of every living being and gladly welcome all who want to share in this journey.  Let's go forward, shall we?

Leave behind the things that keep you in the same place.  Rehab is like life.  There is nothing stagnant.  You are either growing or regressing at all times.  If you are afraid, hold my hand, lean on my shoulder, bend my ear.  I love to share so won't you share your meals, jokes, stories, heart, experiences with me?  We can move forward together...stronger.

¹⁹ “For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. ²⁰ I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. ²¹ I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!”

"...Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you But in your dreams whatever they be Dream a little dream of me.."

Pink is the NEW "Black"

I have a terrible habit of losing things; wallets, homework, keys, cameras.

I had a camera I loved and lost it at a restaurant.  Being in the wheelchair breeds bad habits.  I shove a lot of items between my thighs so I can have my hands free for things like pushing my chair when I use the manual chair.  One night I did just that.  I shoved this camera between my thighs for easy access so I could take loads of pictures of a birthday party dinner.  I did a depression (that's when I lift my body up so that the rump can have some circulation, thereby avoiding getting a pressure wound) and dislodged said camera.  Within 5 minutes it disappeared into some alternate universe.  :/

I like black because it goes with everything.  The camera was black so it was impossible to find it in a dimly lit restaurant full of dancing folks.  Black is like my life.  I like everything to blend into the background.  I don't want to stand out, I just want to enjoy the rest of my life and could care less for the most part if I make a difference or not.  If I happen to, great.  Even my Facebook ID is "Black Olive".  Some gag name created in a website called "Black Dynamite Yo' Self".  (A "B" movie that didn't do too well).

I purchased a replacement camera on eBay identical to my camera but in "hot pink".  I thought that a hot pink camera would be more difficult to lose....again.  It has been with me for several years now and is always a conversation starter.  

Since I have begun meditating I've aligned my thinking closer to a quote I read a while back.

"Once you awaken, you will have no interest in judging those who sleep"

How profound, how liberating.  I felt a freedom to not let the negativity of the world affect me, whether it be an annoying coworker, feelings of unnecessary obligation, a set back in physical therapy due to a hospitalization,and a lot of other things that I have been experiencing since injury.  I was happy to "be" and was happy to progress and learn.  I have the patience of a saint (in comparison to who I was) and a wonderful relationship with my family and myself.  I made a decision to be HAPPY!

Injury in itself liberated me from judgement from any source, a less-than-stellar past, grave mistakes that had haunted me,and self-loathing.  Acceptance of my new self has let me reintroduce the good parts of my old self into current existence. 

I am setting new goals, seeing a dietician, working my tuckus off at the gym and working on loving on people, but more importantly, I am paying it forward.  I am now the hot pink camera that doesn't mind being different yet the same and I don't mind standing out.  Every opportunity I have in conversation results in something positive coming out of my mouth and heart.

The last week has been full of exceptional moments that remind me that anything is possible and to never say "never".

Pink is the Black.....Olive.

Happy Palm Sunday.  Renew yourself and remember the meaning of this season.  Sacrifice, Faith, Renewal, and a freedom to a new life.  God bless you all.

"This is the day Jesus entered triumphantly into Jerusalem and marked, for some, the beginning of a new era in fulfillment of  Zechariah 9:9. There was incredible excitement in the city, but it was a mixed excitement. Some were glad this worker of miracles was entering the Holy City, while others were poised to end his life as a troublemaker and rebel! The events that transpired between that original Palm Sunday and the next Sunday, Resurrection Sunday, changed the world forever."

Think About It

I've upped my game and have a plan at the gym.  The short term goal (half/joke half/not) is that I want to be able to change the water bottle on the cooler at work.  It's 40+ pounds.  Workouts have been appropriately renamed "Olive B's Water Cooler Training".

Mental workouts have been suffering because, well, I never thought about working out my mental wellness. 

At C.O.R.E. (www.corecenters.info) a friend and fellow gym buddy decided to step up to the plate as he had been practicing meditation for many years.  He explained his journey, the desire to teach, and desire to help those of us who were already helping ourselves.  The gym is becoming a total wellness center for me.

Meditation with Andy started at the perfect time.  I needed to learn how to calm myself and focus on the daily tasks at hand as everything has been so up and down, and for the most part, overwhelming.

The first session taught me how to focus on breathing and how to compartmentalize and separate feeling and thoughts from the "now".  I discovered a little "me".  A perfect little version of myself that reminded me of my original blue print, my uniqueness, and how special I am to be part of this life, that I am meaningful in my existence in this great big universe.

This little "me" loves the big me and helps me to heal by touching, in fact painting, all the parts of my body that are injured and need healing.  It kind of looks like this.

I next discovered an older girl version of myself that was hurt, lost, that needed love and encouragement.  Vulnerability was rediscovered and I literally cried.

My first practical situation was like this:

I woke up to an abrupt chaotic morning.  I thought it was saturday, ignored the alarm, woke up to Access calling me to pick me up and there I was, in bed.  I took a breath, decided to accept the situation, the chaos, and all went peacefully.  

I called the service center to let them know that I might take too long to get ready and with no explanation the Access operator said the driver would wait.  This is UNHEARD of.  The driver waited 10 minutes (with a passenger in the vehicle).  I put myself together asap without panic and chaos and we took off. ::scratching head::

Anywho, I made it to work and expected a great day.  It was, and there you have it.  Meditation, breathing, peace.

To be continued...

Resolutions?

I do not make resolutions.  If you're going to change something, do it now.  I've been getting out a little bit more and each time I had gone out I had mixed feelings.  

I'm frustrated that I don't drive but it's just too expensive.  It would be a dream to get my Impala suped up and modified with hand controls.  Not being able to drive severely limits my spontaneity.  Access Services is great but is also limited when it comes to distance and scheduling.  I am such a social butterfly and love impromptu meetings but for now that only happens when I can catch a bus or schedule a ride ahead of time on Access.

I can transfer in and out of a car when I'm in my manual chair but for now I'm covered in attachments.  I still have a wound vac  connected to my right thigh and a PICC I.V. line in my left arm.  Pushing the manual chair is painful because the I.V. site rubs against the back of the chair each time I push.  The wound under my leg and my catheter (which can act up) both leak when least expected.  I use seat liners when I travel and it's embarrassing, but necessary.  

I was invited to a Christmas party by a friend (who ended up not coming due to being sick) and decided to stay to hear some music.  I knew the music would be good but was pleasantly surprised to know that some of the best of the best musicians were playing salsa music that night.  I saw a few old friends and watched the crowd, which was strewn with old school salseros, dance the night away.  I watched longingly with a burning desire for that to be my future, 80 years old and dancing salsa, HOT salsa!  The best I could do was dance from the waist up in my chair.  I felt kind of lame, oh wait, I guess it's cause I kind of am, lol.  Wah wah wah waaaaaaaahhhhh.

A few Sundays after that I paid a surprise visit to one of my dearest friends and first dance instructors.  I wanted to bring her a belated house warming gift (which was waaaay late) as well as a Christmas gift.  I stayed to watch the salsa class that was in progress, and again, I longed to dance.  

I cried a few nights ago while Mom was helping me and for the first time I asked out loud, "How long will I be like this?".  Mom reassured me that it was temporary.  I couldn't help it.  The next few questions that came out of my mouth were, "when", "when", "when".  I drifted off to sleep and woke up feeling calm.  On Sunday one of the worship songs we sang answered my questions.  These are the lyrics:

hungry I come to You for I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry  
so I wait for You so I wait for You  
I'm falling on my knees offering all of me  
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for
broken I run to You for Your arms are open wide 
I am weary but I know Your touch restores my life  
so I'll wait for You so I'll wait for You
I'm falling on my knees offering all of me  
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for 
Oh, I'm falling on my knees offering all of me  
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for 

I remembered that I was waiting on His timing and that I wouldn't be alone in the meantime.  My heart was quieted and reassured.  I was given new resolve for the new year.

Going to the gym has become priority and I was surprised and grateful when my therapist sat me down to talk about a game plan for the weeks to come.  We assembled a fitness plan that would complement both my personal work out days and my therapy days.  It seems that 2013 will be my strongest year ever.

It goes without saying that I am the sum of the amazing people that support and love me and I am grateful. 

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back....Again.

All Christmas Eve, I mourned the loss of my body, I was sullen and pretended to act like nothing was wrong.  I was inconsolable, not a wreck, but I just wanted to be alone.  I didn't want anyone to cheer me up to remind me of how far I've come, and how much I've done.  I am doing more than I ever thought, but it's my time to mourn.  I don't even celebrate my 2nd birthday.  :/

When Christmas day rolled around I perked right up and remembered that I was alive and thriving!  I knew I would, and only wanted to be allowed to have my moment alone.  In the past year, I've seen weddings galore and now I'm seeing a gaggle of babies make their way into this world.  I'm constantly forced to be happy.  I really am, but there's always this little voice that whispers that some of these wonderful life events would not be for me.  I believe in love stories, happy endings and know that the road I travel will have an amazing end, but every now and again, I'm just a girl that dreams of a princess life. 

What am I willing to do to rectify the things that, to me, appear to be hindering my progression?  Am I being diligent to the willingness to change?  I can be apathetic but pray desparately to not be.  I pray that the amazing people that surround me will show me that I can have what they have if I don't give up.  Truth be told, my weight is an extreme hindrance to my life.  Transferring, bodily functions, self-esteem, and many other obstacles would be much easier or made obsolete should I shed this weight.  I'm setting small goals and will try to attempt those.....again.  

In other news.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!  I've been in the mood to let stuff like that out.  I'm frustrated and am actively seeking a sound mine.  I breathe, I write, I'm sleeping more, I'm back to working out.....then what?

I left the hospital on IV antibiotics, a 6 week course, with a sidekick of Levaquin tablets, an oral antibiotic taken for 32 days straight.  Can you say "wreaking havoc on the system"?  After blood tests I realized that the wound on the lower side of my hip (a Stage 3 pressure sore - not deep enough to reach bone, but pretty darn close) was resistant to the oral antibiotic.  I was given a new one that tasted like acid in the mouth,
Metronidazole.  

Once that was done I almost skipped for joy only to have my Infectious Disease doctor call me and dash my hopes of a PICC line-free arm.  My C-reactive protein, which is a protein found in the blood, was elevated, indicating that there was inflammation.  Increased numbers in conjunction with elevated white blood cell counts happen to be indicative of something bad, more infection.

An MRI on Monday confirmed that I had e-coli in my right pelvis.  It had spread to the left pelvic area. 

The good news:  The bacteria was isolated, located, and is easily treated.

The not so good news:  I have to have IV antibiotics for an additional 6 weeks which will continue to wreak havoc on my body.  (I've got pro-biotics on hand to help the gut do it's thing.)

This is the only way to treat bone infection.  The deadline to be free of antibiotics continues to distance itself.  Until then I just take it one day at a time.  I make time to laugh, breathe, write, and most importantly, PRAY.

 

Medically Necessary

I’m feeling down, unnecessary, hence the new post.  This is therapy.  Regurgitating my feelings on “paper” helps me sort myself out.  The holidays arrive like a gust of wind and remind me that my 4-year anniversary is around the corner.  The most special holiday, Christmas, is a token of my greatest joy and my greatest sadness.  (though, the sadness has served as many positive things)

 

Recovery from Spinal Cord Injury has become a daily way of life, kind of ho-hum.  Mood swings make things either bearable or excruciatingly difficult to deal with.  It’s not always possible to muster the mental strength to get up and do stuff, but that fiercely independent girl rips the covers off in the morning and forces me out of bed.  I’ve learned to fake a feeling and act it out until I’ve achieved the end goal.  For instance, I’m not a gym rat or physical exercise enthusiast, but I’ll do it and feel better afterwards.  Positive results encourage positive behavior and co-behavior, such as healthier eating and taking time to meditate/breathe.

Physical pain has increased to the point where I’ve requested a prescription for medication, me, a girl that doesn’t even take Tylenol .   I was recently hospitalized for 10 days for semi-elective surgery (while missing out on Halloween :( ).  I wore the wrong shoes about a year ago which caused pressure points, which resulted in pressure sores that bruised, blistered, and eventually opened up.  After almost a year of wound care my doctor suggested a radical procedure that would shave down the heel bone (calcaneus bone) by about 10% so that he could sew the skin closed and prevent similar recurring events.   

While in surgery it was discovered that I had indeed acquired a bone infection bilaterally and ended up on some of the strongest I.V. antibiotics.  It was also necessary to shave the bone even further due to infection, about 40-50%.   

I have to add a side note.  I have a really nice doctor.  In anticipation of my boredom while being hospitalized he brought me magazines, cough drops, and a Sudoku book.

(Pause for an idiosyncratic moment.  I just looked at my computer clock and notice it was 4:18.  That’s the date of my birth and I always feel better when I see that number pop up somewhere.  It makes me feel like I’m important and have things to accomplish.  Maybe it’s just residual OCD, lol, but I always feel better.)

I’m now on leave for a total of 8 weeks.  A PICC line was inserted into my arm to accommodate I.V. antibiotics and blood draws that have been ordered until December.  My primary physician also put me on 2 other medications, one to lower cholesterol, as he wants my numbers medically low, and one for blood pressure which is actually being used to prevent diabetic scarring on my kidneys.  Including the insulin and other medications I’m already on, this has proven to be very hard on my body.   Sometimes I can’t tell whether I’m coming or going and can’t wait to be rid of this regimen though I will always be thankful for technology and science as they ease my routine.  

I concurrently have a pressure sore under my right leg, where the ischium tuberosity is located (read: where the thigh meets the butt cheek), also due to an improper shoe that displaced pressure on my body.  I was sent home with a wound vac.  It’s a cool little device that absorbs/suctions out seepage and blood while simultaneously drawing the tissue closer together.  This all works cohesively to speed up healing.  I’m like a cyborg with all kinds of things attached to me and need to monitor myself at all times so I don’t accidentally pull out a line, cord.  Bah!

Today, I had a random moment in which I cried for a good 10 minutes.  Pity parties have been reduced to 10 minute periods and are less frequent.  As a matter of fact I have less pity on people having prolonged pity parties.  Instead of feeding into their woes, I have begun agreeing that things suck, then offer suggestions to get them back from the dark side. :)

So that’s where I’m at right now, just learning how to get stronger, learning that I need to answer the voice inside telling me to use it more, and learning how to further heal spiritually, mentally, and physically.

A quick med tip on wound care.  

If you’re on I.V. Vancomycin (hopefully, not), for prolonged periods of time, it’s normal to experience lower back pain.  Drink more water.

If you’re healing a wound of any type, take:

• Zinc Sulfate (hospital dose is 220 mg) once a day
• Ester C twice a day (Ester C is less acidic than regular vitamin C supplements)
• And be sure to ingest about 80 gm of protein.

A wound takes 90 days to heal from start to finish, so be patient.

Any other comments, remedies, or suggestions are welcome.  Leave them in the comments.

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Change...

True, change is a process, a journey, but why is it so emotional?  Dumb question.  I've recently made several life choices that have filled in the wedges of my foundation, they've stabilized me.  I've arrived to a place where change is the only option left.

I'm slowly losing weight, have slowed down on fast food, opting for better options and have purchased the Nutribullet (which I LOVE) and have been juicing/extracting more with fruits and veggies.  My workouts have increased to a minimum of 4 days a week, 2 of which are with an amazing therapist.

I still have vices, I haven't given up smoking, but I rarely drink, maybe once a month??? I dunno.  The power of positivity is swelling up in me and I can see the great things that lie ahead of me.  I choose to let God do what He will do by not focusing on what hasn't come to pass yet. ( Thanks FB random update post from someone I don't know, lol )  Timing is everything, right?

So I have mixed emotions, fear of the unknown, excitement, sadness that I feel like I alone make this choice knowing I will be the recipient of all consequences and blessings (said the commitment-phobe).  Can I handle the future?  Of course I can.  Will I need help, support, love, critique?  Of course I will.  But what a lucky girl am I that I'm surrounded by amazing people and a wealth of resources.

I deal with an increasing amount of loneliness and choose not to share verbally with people.  It comes and goes but it does have some tremendous moments.  I'm loneliest in a group of people but specifically when around someone that I have deep feelings for.  Life has taught me to not rush things, to not screw up a good thing so I enjoy the life and relationships I have without rocking the boat.  

I revert to prayer, exercise, and a good diet to keep myself in stasis, to keep momentum going, and to keep focus on all the change that will inevitably come.