You haven't won over me yet.: What is a life worth?

Mamma mia, it's been 4 months since my last post. The brain needs to be relieved.

I'm still working part time, working out 4 days weekly, am "trying" to consume 1200 calories daily, and am working on accomplishing physical goals that have failed multiple times over the past 18 or so yeeeeeaaaaarrrrrs. I need to get this weight off. My dietician always offers analogies of being thin and marry said analogies with the ideas of how life would be easier. I've never been thin, well maybe when I was 10 or younger, so these ideas she tries to apprise me of seem foreign, unreal. My faith in God is amazing, tangible. The schoolgirl crushes have returned , but the mature woman in me (cougar status applicable?....divide by 2, add 8...) knows when to say, "when".

Someone I knew in the wheelchair community has passed on to her next great adventure. It's the 2nd person in 2 years that has died as a result of unhealthy behavior. The paralysis (life traumas for some, tragedies for others) can either perpetuate existing bad behaviors or force you to finally choose a new (better) path for your life. NO middle ground really exists, just a murky combination of the two. Coping skills are as unique as one's DNA and finding balance is a more complicated matter. This young girl who's paralysis had resulted from her husband stabbing her in the neck, was spunky, loving, loud-mouthed, imposing, beautiful, awkward, and sweet. Watching her life spiral downward, removing myself from her behavior, was sad to say the least. She's free of her suffering and frustration, many of us will miss her. Injuries, physical and emotional, would possibly be better remedied if we understood that to get better you had to make a choice to acknowledge your situation, choose to be educated, allow support (which is invaluable) from loved ones and community members, and put into action what you've learned, all under the umbrella of faith. This I learned from an amazing mentor.

Getting older seems to be like deleting hundreds of e-mails all at the same time. You start by innocently (or recklessly) clicking all the newsletters, replies upon replies, business notices, etc, and by the time you get to maybe the 200th e-mail you become more meticulous in selecting sequential messages because "one wrong click" results in all of your carefully selected "messages to delete" to UNcheck themselves and then....you have... to...start...over. (Insert face palm). Only in life, having to start over in your later years proves to be more difficult, frustrating. My bankruptcy took 10 years to disappear, the D.U.I. along with the $15,000 I had to pay seem to be eternal, and the paralysis resulting from the spinal cord injury from a hit-and-run accident could be forever, but NEVER say, "Never".

I'm not dating and am not looking for Mr. Right, but know that I will take life's offerings and consciously experience all of it's amazing mysteries day by day. I increasingly say, "yes" every day and one day will say "yes" to an amazing man. I met with an old flame a few weeks back. We've always had great chemistry as individuals/friends and that maintains, yet it's always a weeeeee bit awkward when he says "My wife" this, and "My wife" that. His two kids are both in, and on their way to college and we now have conversations that consist of retirement plans, work ethics, physical accomplishments now that we're older, like low cholesterol, lol. What we had was a lifetime ago, yet I cherish him because finding someone in this world that can reciprocate laughter and chemistry is truly a rare find.

Last Friday, I attended our church's women's group. Forgiveness was the topic at hand and I was asked to share my testimony. Forgiveness is a 2-sided coin in that you have the opportunity to both forgive, as well as, ask/receive forgiveness. It's a divine act that calls us to replicate it if we say we love God. It's choosing to remember a hurtful/painful situation with better perspective and offering the darkness to God knowing that he is capable of being completely just.

My DUI resulted from poor judgement and affected another human, their family. I will never be able to undo or take back that night. You know, I (you) easily could have been the driver that paralyzed someone or worse and was spared from ever having to experience that.

On the flip side, I found myself on the giving end after being hit by a vehicle in December 2008. After many months of physical rehabilitation and time to think about my life, I reflected on the fact that God offered me grace, and matured me beyond my years in a mere matter of months. Again, our roles could have been easily flipped. The process is difficult and necessitates divine aid. Many people wonder why I'm not vengeful, spiteful, depressed, or vindictive. Truthfully, I have experienced grace, I own my faults and have learned to be a better human.

I will say that the situation most difficult to approach is the hurt my brother experienced. He's experienced a level of anger that has just now subsided to an intermittent low level hatred towards this individual. I feel such sadness when I see the hurt in him. As for me, I'm more assertive, more loving, compassionate, kind, more faithful, more open, more giving and I'm still funny as hell! I lived, I survived, I won. I'm in round 2 of my life and I choose to forgive the individual, the one that caused undue stress on my family, my friends, the one who wrecked my body, the one that caused all kinds of collateral damage in my life. I pray that they experience God's grace and I pray that they become a better human too.

OOOOHHH and did I mention that I have a super awesome nephew now??? I doooooo and he's been able to put the biggest band-aid over the broken pieces of our hearts. This little life fixed all of the adults in our home.

Meet JimJim!