Medically Necessary

I’m feeling down, unnecessary, hence the new post.  This is therapy.  Regurgitating my feelings on “paper” helps me sort myself out.  The holidays arrive like a gust of wind and remind me that my 4-year anniversary is around the corner.  The most special holiday, Christmas, is a token of my greatest joy and my greatest sadness.  (though, the sadness has served as many positive things)

 

Recovery from Spinal Cord Injury has become a daily way of life, kind of ho-hum.  Mood swings make things either bearable or excruciatingly difficult to deal with.  It’s not always possible to muster the mental strength to get up and do stuff, but that fiercely independent girl rips the covers off in the morning and forces me out of bed.  I’ve learned to fake a feeling and act it out until I’ve achieved the end goal.  For instance, I’m not a gym rat or physical exercise enthusiast, but I’ll do it and feel better afterwards.  Positive results encourage positive behavior and co-behavior, such as healthier eating and taking time to meditate/breathe.

Physical pain has increased to the point where I’ve requested a prescription for medication, me, a girl that doesn’t even take Tylenol .   I was recently hospitalized for 10 days for semi-elective surgery (while missing out on Halloween :( ).  I wore the wrong shoes about a year ago which caused pressure points, which resulted in pressure sores that bruised, blistered, and eventually opened up.  After almost a year of wound care my doctor suggested a radical procedure that would shave down the heel bone (calcaneus bone) by about 10% so that he could sew the skin closed and prevent similar recurring events.   

While in surgery it was discovered that I had indeed acquired a bone infection bilaterally and ended up on some of the strongest I.V. antibiotics.  It was also necessary to shave the bone even further due to infection, about 40-50%.   

I have to add a side note.  I have a really nice doctor.  In anticipation of my boredom while being hospitalized he brought me magazines, cough drops, and a Sudoku book.

(Pause for an idiosyncratic moment.  I just looked at my computer clock and notice it was 4:18.  That’s the date of my birth and I always feel better when I see that number pop up somewhere.  It makes me feel like I’m important and have things to accomplish.  Maybe it’s just residual OCD, lol, but I always feel better.)

I’m now on leave for a total of 8 weeks.  A PICC line was inserted into my arm to accommodate I.V. antibiotics and blood draws that have been ordered until December.  My primary physician also put me on 2 other medications, one to lower cholesterol, as he wants my numbers medically low, and one for blood pressure which is actually being used to prevent diabetic scarring on my kidneys.  Including the insulin and other medications I’m already on, this has proven to be very hard on my body.   Sometimes I can’t tell whether I’m coming or going and can’t wait to be rid of this regimen though I will always be thankful for technology and science as they ease my routine.  

I concurrently have a pressure sore under my right leg, where the ischium tuberosity is located (read: where the thigh meets the butt cheek), also due to an improper shoe that displaced pressure on my body.  I was sent home with a wound vac.  It’s a cool little device that absorbs/suctions out seepage and blood while simultaneously drawing the tissue closer together.  This all works cohesively to speed up healing.  I’m like a cyborg with all kinds of things attached to me and need to monitor myself at all times so I don’t accidentally pull out a line, cord.  Bah!

Today, I had a random moment in which I cried for a good 10 minutes.  Pity parties have been reduced to 10 minute periods and are less frequent.  As a matter of fact I have less pity on people having prolonged pity parties.  Instead of feeding into their woes, I have begun agreeing that things suck, then offer suggestions to get them back from the dark side. :)

So that’s where I’m at right now, just learning how to get stronger, learning that I need to answer the voice inside telling me to use it more, and learning how to further heal spiritually, mentally, and physically.

A quick med tip on wound care.  

If you’re on I.V. Vancomycin (hopefully, not), for prolonged periods of time, it’s normal to experience lower back pain.  Drink more water.

If you’re healing a wound of any type, take:

• Zinc Sulfate (hospital dose is 220 mg) once a day
• Ester C twice a day (Ester C is less acidic than regular vitamin C supplements)
• And be sure to ingest about 80 gm of protein.

A wound takes 90 days to heal from start to finish, so be patient.

Any other comments, remedies, or suggestions are welcome.  Leave them in the comments.

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Change...

True, change is a process, a journey, but why is it so emotional?  Dumb question.  I've recently made several life choices that have filled in the wedges of my foundation, they've stabilized me.  I've arrived to a place where change is the only option left.

I'm slowly losing weight, have slowed down on fast food, opting for better options and have purchased the Nutribullet (which I LOVE) and have been juicing/extracting more with fruits and veggies.  My workouts have increased to a minimum of 4 days a week, 2 of which are with an amazing therapist.

I still have vices, I haven't given up smoking, but I rarely drink, maybe once a month??? I dunno.  The power of positivity is swelling up in me and I can see the great things that lie ahead of me.  I choose to let God do what He will do by not focusing on what hasn't come to pass yet. ( Thanks FB random update post from someone I don't know, lol )  Timing is everything, right?

So I have mixed emotions, fear of the unknown, excitement, sadness that I feel like I alone make this choice knowing I will be the recipient of all consequences and blessings (said the commitment-phobe).  Can I handle the future?  Of course I can.  Will I need help, support, love, critique?  Of course I will.  But what a lucky girl am I that I'm surrounded by amazing people and a wealth of resources.

I deal with an increasing amount of loneliness and choose not to share verbally with people.  It comes and goes but it does have some tremendous moments.  I'm loneliest in a group of people but specifically when around someone that I have deep feelings for.  Life has taught me to not rush things, to not screw up a good thing so I enjoy the life and relationships I have without rocking the boat.  

I revert to prayer, exercise, and a good diet to keep myself in stasis, to keep momentum going, and to keep focus on all the change that will inevitably come.

P.M.S.

P.M.S.

Premenstrual Syndrome: PMS is a disorder characterized by a set of hormonal changes that trigger disruptive symptoms in a significant number of women for up to two weeks prior to menstruation. 

Really? 2 weeks of insanity?  lol
 
To me, P.M.S. means (P)lease (M)ake it (S)top,

I guess we all feel that way, right?  Regardless of situations, abilities, (Diff)abilities, sometimes we want to cover our mouth with one hand and raise our other hand to signal to the ride operator that we'd like to get off the ride.  Fortunately that's not the case.  Every situation and moment has grown me and taught me about who I am, who I am supposed to be and in return I've paid it forward and have been rewarded with an amazing support system and life where I've been given friends, mentors, heroes, athletes, survivors....tour guides to this thing called life. 

I have my moments.  The other day I just wanted to break something and haven't yet. 3 1/2 years and counting.  Karma means if I break it, I clean it up and I can't destroy things I love.  I even want to break relationships so that I can isolate myself and have room to breathe.  I still live in a room without privacy and as an adult that would trade her kingdom for privacy that's pretty horrific.  I am fortunate to have a power chair that acts as my vehicle right now and I'm pretty good about getting around by bus.  I am able to get to the market, the movie theater, my gym, and other places if I plan it right.


One morning, I'm unsure of whether it was my blood sugar being out of whack (type I diabetes sucks), hormone imbalances (that are worsening with no end in sight), or just sheer frustration, my mom had left and was supposed to be back to help me out a bit and she went missing on one of her shopping trips.  She's older now and takes a lot longer to do basic things.  She left her phone at home because it was dead and I was stuck in bed with a catheter leak.  Ugh, another wonderful side effect of paralysis and a body which I'm still struggling to understand.  So I just started yelling.  The house was empty for once and I was able to just release.  How freeing that was.  Fast forward mom got home and we got into it a bit.  

She agreed to change my catheter (done monthly or when I feel a UTI has taken over) and I asked her to wash her hands.  She was immediately offended and got mad at me for asking her.  I snapped.  How am I supposed to ask a stranger and not my mom.  She couldn't understand.


The metal reacher was available so I grabbed it and beat my poor lamp with all my might repeatedly.  That wasn't good enough.  I finally got pissed off at my body and turned the reacher on to my legs.  I beat them till they were red/bruised.  They didn't care.  I didn't care.  I wanted off the ride.  I cooled off and peace was eventually restored.  The bruises are gone,


Nothing is expected of me now but to live, survive, and be happy.  I think we should do our best to enable others to be happy as well. (in a legal way, lol).

Anything and Nothing.

I'm in my head again.  I over think things, play out a bunch of scenarios that haven't happened (yet???), and am in a constant flux of positive and negative mood swings.  argh.  I had a tiff with my sister-in-law about her using my printer and jamming it without fixing it without my permission ....read as invading my personal space when I already feel that I don't have privacy.  When confronted, there wasn't a tinge of remorse which made it all the more irritating.  Kind of like when someone apologizes and says, "I"m sorry....YOU feel that way".  

We haven't really spoken and as a side effect, my brother hasn't spoken to me either.  Not because of ill will but because it's awkward around here.  I've never really told her much but I had to draw the line when she used my computer without asking.  This is my sanctuary, where I conduct business, where I write down moments like this....personal stuff.  I have never experienced having a little sister that would take your stuff without asking and am not accustom to, nor do I care to become comfortable with this kind of thing.  

During the course of life rehabilitation I've had to learn how to fight for my rights, use my voice, be proactive,  and be a gentleman while doing so.  Everyone tells me to get over it, and I am...slowly.  I'm reminded that we don't choose our family, but I'd rather be silent than say something I regret.  I am no good at apologies. 

In the meantime, all the sadness I feel of having my brother not talk to me (similar to when we would fight before my accident) irritates the crap out of me.   I ask him for stuff from the kitchen and he brings it down without saying a thing, anything, nothing.  There's no eye contact.  He delights in talking to everyone else, goes out with his friends and has stopped asking me to go out.  He plans nothing with me and it makes me feel even more invisible.  Meh.  I don't even get a "God bless you" after sneezing or a "Good night, love you" before he goes to sleep.  Maybe he thinks I'm mad at him...???...

Socially, even in a group that embraces all due to it being a very exclusive group of people (wheelchair users) you go through the same social ringer as with any other group comprised of human beings.  Cliques form, and you are either "in" or you're "out".  There's no ill will behind it, but socially, it just happens.  Able-bodied friends (close friends) understand that I need a little bit of time and notice before going out since I have to take Access Services everywhere.  RSVPs are made a day ahead so a "head's up" is always needed.  I am extremely grateful for the close group of friends I have but still feel alone.  I feel myself withdrawing again and am staring to isolate myself.  I love going to the movies by myself, shopping by myself, and talking to myself, j/k.   And truth be told, I'm giving up on finding love and will just wait for it to happen when the moment's right.

My best friend U. is busy with a beautiful new baby boy, my other best friend J is usually working and will be busy with her niece and nephews for the next 3 months, mom is getting older and can't do as much with me, and other friends are busy with life in general.   I've picked up smoking again out of boredom and sadness.  Like all other vices, it's a means of control.  So I'm dealing with life on a moment to moment basis. 

My brother and his wife will be leaving for Hawaii tomorrow for her brother's wedding and I hate the idea of not clearing the air before they leave.  Never leave things undone, right?  sigh.  This is the rough patch, the times that make the good days, great.