Anything and Nothing.

I'm in my head again.  I over think things, play out a bunch of scenarios that haven't happened (yet???), and am in a constant flux of positive and negative mood swings.  argh.  I had a tiff with my sister-in-law about her using my printer and jamming it without fixing it without my permission ....read as invading my personal space when I already feel that I don't have privacy.  When confronted, there wasn't a tinge of remorse which made it all the more irritating.  Kind of like when someone apologizes and says, "I"m sorry....YOU feel that way".  

We haven't really spoken and as a side effect, my brother hasn't spoken to me either.  Not because of ill will but because it's awkward around here.  I've never really told her much but I had to draw the line when she used my computer without asking.  This is my sanctuary, where I conduct business, where I write down moments like this....personal stuff.  I have never experienced having a little sister that would take your stuff without asking and am not accustom to, nor do I care to become comfortable with this kind of thing.  

During the course of life rehabilitation I've had to learn how to fight for my rights, use my voice, be proactive,  and be a gentleman while doing so.  Everyone tells me to get over it, and I am...slowly.  I'm reminded that we don't choose our family, but I'd rather be silent than say something I regret.  I am no good at apologies. 

In the meantime, all the sadness I feel of having my brother not talk to me (similar to when we would fight before my accident) irritates the crap out of me.   I ask him for stuff from the kitchen and he brings it down without saying a thing, anything, nothing.  There's no eye contact.  He delights in talking to everyone else, goes out with his friends and has stopped asking me to go out.  He plans nothing with me and it makes me feel even more invisible.  Meh.  I don't even get a "God bless you" after sneezing or a "Good night, love you" before he goes to sleep.  Maybe he thinks I'm mad at him...???...

Socially, even in a group that embraces all due to it being a very exclusive group of people (wheelchair users) you go through the same social ringer as with any other group comprised of human beings.  Cliques form, and you are either "in" or you're "out".  There's no ill will behind it, but socially, it just happens.  Able-bodied friends (close friends) understand that I need a little bit of time and notice before going out since I have to take Access Services everywhere.  RSVPs are made a day ahead so a "head's up" is always needed.  I am extremely grateful for the close group of friends I have but still feel alone.  I feel myself withdrawing again and am staring to isolate myself.  I love going to the movies by myself, shopping by myself, and talking to myself, j/k.   And truth be told, I'm giving up on finding love and will just wait for it to happen when the moment's right.

My best friend U. is busy with a beautiful new baby boy, my other best friend J is usually working and will be busy with her niece and nephews for the next 3 months, mom is getting older and can't do as much with me, and other friends are busy with life in general.   I've picked up smoking again out of boredom and sadness.  Like all other vices, it's a means of control.  So I'm dealing with life on a moment to moment basis. 

My brother and his wife will be leaving for Hawaii tomorrow for her brother's wedding and I hate the idea of not clearing the air before they leave.  Never leave things undone, right?  sigh.  This is the rough patch, the times that make the good days, great.