It's A Love Hate Thing

As I peruse the internet for awesome Halloween makeup tutorials, because frankly I don't think about wheelchair-based costumes, I'm sipping on a Captain & Coke Zero.  The irony. 

After a super stressful day at work, new position and all, I left work stressed.  I have loads on my mind like bills that need to be paid, namely my lawyer's bill, bills I can't neglect, financial budgeting for physical therapy, paperwork I need to request early termination of probation and a probable expungement of my record, my blood sugar levels, cleaning and all the other day to day chores to name a few.

I left work stressed, made it to PT and left feeling great!  I was singing, I was tired, I was happy it was Friday.  TGIF!  On my way home, I made my usual stop to CVS (because I hate passing the area where I was hit by the car) and bought some Captain Morgain.  I'm a sucker for a Cap'n & Coke.  Then I saw that cigarettes were on sale and I bought a pack "just because".  I have started smoking again. blech, and am in the process of quitting again.....

I smoked on and off for years before I moved home and quit a few months prior to my accident seeing that I had finally become a gym rat and all.  I didn't smoke for about 2 years post injury because they had deflated one of my lungs and I wanted to give it the best possible chances for recovery.  Then one day, I had one of "those" days and it started again.  sigh.

I love my body enough to workout twice weekly with a therapist specializing in the paralysis population, but then do this kind of crap.  It's not awesome but how counter productive. 

Lately I've also thought about the prospect of dating.  I found a free e-Harmony app on my iPad and decided to fill it out.  I was honest about the paralysis and have had some prospects.  I'm too cheap to pay for a monthly membership right now because I really am NOT looking for anything long term right now.  Although I wouldn't be opposed to meeting someone and seeing where a friendship/relationship would end up.  lol.

I Don't Belong Here.....Not!

I have a circle of friends which consists of about 7 ladies.  In the last 4 years, 3 of these women have gotten married, and one more will be married within the month.  I was the Maid of Honor for my best friend's wedding last month and can now say that I know what insanity is involved when it comes to wedding preparations.  It has been a domino effect of "I do's".

It started with M.  We all flew out for her wedding in Chicago in 2008.  Incidentally, that was my last big hoorah before my life would be flipped upside down.  The week after her wedding, I would be surrendering myself to the authorities to accept punishment for my DUI.  Things went on, I came home after a day and months later, I was hit by the car which caused my paralysis.  In late 2010, SR got married, this year U, my BFF, got married in July, and next month SG will be getting married.  Whew!

This year the recent nuptial pandemic ,known to me, includes Prince William & Kate Middleton, a childhood friend's cousin which is basically my family, and an old friend from work who's been waiting almost a lifetime to commit (again) to marriage.

How can I NOT think about marriage, I'm surrounded, lol.

I have a FB friend that suffered the same level of injury as me but is 7 years post accident.  She cries a lot and wonders why anyone would ever marry her or anyone in our situation.  Her disability has become her identity and I've reminded her, as I have reminded myself hundreds of times, that your identity is not the chair, that you're still who you were before the accident.  She has had miraculous recovery.  "Sparing" is a term used by physical therapists and is said to be the amount of nerve recovery one experiences after surgical swelling goes down ( the most immediate effect ) and after years of recovery/rehabilitation, when nerves have had time to regrow (the long term effect).  They grow slowly, but with constant therapy and a strong will, the body seems to bounce back a little faster.  Every accident is like a snowflake, not a one is the same as someone else's.  No one knows how long it takes to recover fully, some do (a rare few) and some don't.  We keep pushing on knowing that if we don't take care of our bodies, that we will whither and die.  This girl has recovered feeling in both legs and is able to move her upper thighs a bit.  She's incredible and has an iron will to walk, but still thinks she's not good enough for someone to love.

If it's about the journey, then you can't stop loving yourself when a setback occurs.  Setbacks happen all through out this journey called life.  I have survived a car accident, paralysis, diabetes, a shredded toe, a broken heart, lost friends, but God has more than compensated me for these losses.  What I've been given is priceless, the love of true friends, a mended family that cares for me, a sense of purpose, a love of myself, great growth and wisdom that would've otherwise taken me years to learn, determination, and a sense of who my maker is.  He holds my hand daily and encourages me to go forward.  All these things are payable forward if you choose to do so.

So don't stop....anything.  Live, love, laugh, and trust that God will bring you towards your purpose.  Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you.

If you've given up, you've missed the point.

The Lord afflicts His servants—to glorify Himself, for He is greatly glorified in the graces of His people, which are His own handiwork. "We rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope!" The Lord is honored by these growing virtues.

We would never know the music of the harp—if the strings were left untouched. We would never enjoy the juice of the grape—if it were not trodden in the winepress. We would never discover the sweet perfume of cinnamon—if it were not pressed and beaten. We would never feel the warmth of fire—if the coals were not utterly consumed. The wisdom and power of the great Workman are revealed by the trials through which His vessels of mercy are permitted to pass.

Present afflictions tend also to heighten future joy. There must be dark shadows in the picture—to bring out the beauty of the lights. Could we be so supremely blessed in Heaven—if we had not known the curse of sin and the sorrow of earth?

Will not peace be sweeter—after conflict?

Will not rest be more welcome—after toil?

Will not the bliss of the glorified—be enhanced by the recollection of past sufferings?

Really, something else?

Physical injury strikes again.  Two weeks ago I was heading down for some PT at C.O.R.E., a new gym that I'm attending for physical therapy.  I go at times when nobody is around to drop me off or pick me up so I've been using the motorized chair more than usual.  I was in such a hurry that I switched from my manual chair to my power chair and didn't put the strap around my legs to keep them from falling towards the sides.  

Well I hit a bump in the road at some point which caused my left foot to fall off the footplate and it ended up getting trapped under the wheel mechanism.  It was just enough that my foot wasn't crushed or fractured but it was enough to cause my foot to have friction between the wheel and the asphalt.  I heard a noise like when a plastic bag gets caught on the car and drags so I decided to check out the bottom of the chair.  I looked and saw something black under the wheels.  I thought I ran over a black shoe than realized that it was MY black shoe.  God only knows how long I had dragged my foot for but by the time I showed up to the gym, I was leaving a trail of blood and began to make a pool of blood right there.  I asked them to come out and help because I didn't want to bring a mess inside.  Turns out that I had shaved my big toe down to the bone.  BLECH!

Thankfully my therapist is well skilled when it comes to Emergency Medical Response.  He elevated my foot, put pressure on the toe and got me some water and fruit (because I'm a diabetic).  911 was called and the paramedics arrived and verified that nothing was broken.  Ollie took me to Northridge E.R. and stayed with me for awhile.  I was transferred to Cedars where I got a healthy vigorous dose of I.V. antibiotics.  Some bone was visible and I ended up being hospitalized for 1 week to make sure that the bone didn't get infected by anything on the ground.  After a week of I.V. antibiotics, about 15 movies, a diabetic hospital meal plan, I was able to go home without surgery and oral antibiotics.  I'm thankful that I can't feel the pain as my foot heals, but then again if I could have felt my foot, I probably wouldn't have been in this predicament in the first place, right?

Another day in the life of me.

We Know Drama

My menstrual cycle was pretty nuts as a kid which was the cause of me taking birth control pills at around 13 years old.  The cycle was either on for 3 consecutive months or off for 6 months.  I later learned that high body fat content is read as excess estrogen and therefore the body thinks that you're pregnant and causes the menstruation to cease....something like that.  Anyways as a young kid that's already image conscious, being told that you've got too much fat on the body just puts the icing on the cake, don't you think...ugh.

So years later, I've gone through all kinds of hormone replacement therapy that caused me to be a little nuttier than my usual self, which ultimately meant that I quit all hormone replacement drugs, and decided to just try and lose the weight.  Well I never really did normalize and after the accident the cycle became more of a mystery.  One thing for sure is that PMS (which I NEVER had as a kid) is in full swing.....monthly.....without fail.

Even before my sister-in-law was officially my sister-in-law she pretty much lived at our house.  As soon as I moved back home, I noticed that she was the lead pheromone around the house.  If and when I was cycling, it was around her time.  When she becomes a little irritated or bitchy, I KNOW what's going on and I KNOW that I need to batten down the hatches.

Yesterday was a perfect example.  She had made a comment a few days ago which sent the red flag up but for some reason I was still caught off guard.  I was trying to sleep in/catch up on sleep on my day off and had to deal with the fact that my brother and his wife were up unusually early for once.  They were going to have dim sum with his Aikido friends out in Monterrey Park somewhere ( I think ).  

Anywhooo

They woke me up early, their friends that met up with them at our house were there talking loudly and annoying the crap out of me, and I realize they were going to have dim sum WITHOUT me.  Memories of my brother talking about including me in a dim sum adventure were quickly being recalled and I got even more furious that he was 1: going without me and 2: spending money that he doesn't really have yet while not giving mom anything for the house.  He has been more helpful and is doing more around the house but I think ( my own personal opinion ) that he needs to contribute, even a little, towards the house expenses now that he's started working. 

I finally get up and my mom has decided to half dress my foot ( to be explained in another post ) so the gauze is just falling off my foot which totally defeats the purpose.  I'm so annoyed that I called my mom, asked her to either dress the whole foot or don't do it at all, and hung up on her resulting in me throwing the house phone and causing it to just explode apart.  argh.  I hate getting that upset because it's just wasted energy.  I told myself that it doesn't matter if your brother invites you or not.  It's a personal choice and I'm sure not personal towards me.  I was just having a moment, a grand ol', bitchy, wtf, pointless, PMS moment.

You could've labeled me TNT...."We Know Drama". ugh.  Forgive me for I know not what I do.  sigh.

You can thank my sister-in-law.