Can You Feel It?

 


The way I physically feel as far as "return of sensation" never seems like something that would be interesting to read or write about, but maybe it will allow me to keep track of my progress.

Response to physical touch hasn't changed much.  The left leg  responds a little when slapped, tapped, or physically stimulated, meaning that it tingles a bit.  Tingling to me feels like a mild version of that feeling you get when your foot and/or hand recover from having fallen asleep.  The tingling, burning never stop.  It happens 24/7.  

What's really interesting though is that different parts of the body above the level of injury (T-10 /  belly button level) are causing secondary feeling in areas below the level of injury.   According to one of my Occupational Therapists, this is a good sign as it indicates that what is connected on top, neurologically speaking, is connected to the bottom.

For Example:

• Touching my neck & the underside of my chin = tingling in the inner calf muscle area
• Touching the front of my left rib cage area = sensation from the left thigh.
• Touching the front of the right rib cage area = sensation in back of the right thigh.

When I Turn my torso left or right, I can feel nerves activating or pulling/stretching down the sides of my body.  

My ass hurts all the time.  It's like having a wedgie all day yet I can't physically feel externally.

It's all very odd, but nevertheless every sensation counts.

Right?

Life Is Like a Box Of "Sugar-free" Chocolate

Change is the one thing that's constant in life.

I spent a week in the hospital and it brought back unwanted familiarity. 

Several weeks prior to going to the hospital, I had been craving water, juice, diet soda, name it.  I was drinking about 2 liters of fluid nightly causing me to urinate frequently.  I wasn't hungry at all, but I was fatigued and my eyesight had progressively worsened over the past 4 months.  I attributed my symptoms to everything from working on a computer too long, to sleeping an average of four hours per night.

One weekend I felt ill, lethargic.  I had vomited everything I ate and drank, even water.  By Monday, June 14th, 2010 I was vomiting, I couldn't get out of bed, and I had really blurry vision.  My skin was splotchy and I couldn't breathe.  I was huffing and puffing while doing nothing physically daunting so I decided to go to the E.R. at the hospital where I work at. 

I was so dehydrated that blood draws were virtually impossible.  An ultrasound helped locate a vein so that they could draw blood and after several blood samples, a CT Scan, and several tests it turned out that I had become diabetic.  My blood sugar was at 500, normal blood sugar is just under 100.  Needless to say, I arrived just in time.

I have a foley catheter in me so that I can empty my bladder and had acquired an infection which set off the diabetes.  My blood had become so acidic that my body was causing me to huff and puff in order to release the acid via the blood gasses. 

The bad news is that my blood sugar had been high for several months and I was in a state of Ketoacidosis which means that my body was burning fat for energy instead of glucose.  Insulin wasn't being produced to use the glucose in my body.  I'm an atypical diabetic.  I was insulin resistant, which is more like type 2 (adult onset) diabetes, yet leaking out sugar and electrolytes which is more consistent with type 1 (juvenile onset) diabetes.

I stayed in the ICU for 3 nights while they regulated my insulin.  My fingers looked like bloody punching bags from all the finger sticks they did to test my blood.  I had about 5 I.V. lines in me because they kept having trouble finding a vein that wouldn't cause problems.  After several rounds of antibiotics, insulin, and a crash course on insulin therapy I was able to go home on Friday.  I was sent home with insulin and am most likely going to be taking it for a long long time.  

Right when I was accepting the fact that I would be in a wheelchair for a while, change happened again.  I had to empty my fridge and come up with an immediate menu that would accommodate my new dietary needs.  *sigh*  I panicked when I came home because my eyesight had changed dramatically.  I was blind and couldn't read labels, or a computer.  A fear of not being able to work rushed through me.  I bought several reading glasses to help me see at work.  I literally felt like I was wearing coke bottle glasses, LOL.

Right now, I'm worried about complications that can arise from being diabetic and paralyzed.  I already have poor circulation in my legs.  I'm afraid of neuropathy and kidney problems.  But I know that what I have to do now is get my ass in gear and get to the personal trainer so he can get me moving.  Therapy does wonders for the body as far as regeneration so this gives me more incentive to boost my work out routine.

Physical ailment aside, I started to get a little depressed.  I had thought about relationships again.  It was difficult to meet someone before and now I thought it would be a little more challenging.  I have a "great personality" and all, but relationships demand a little more than a great personality.  I've already come to terms that I could be alone for a long time and that if I met someone, they'd have to be really special.  It would have to be someone who really understood love in it's true meaning.  As these thoughts progressed this morning while getting ready for work, I caught a brief interview with an amazing person named Nick.  I'd seen his programs before and had checked out his website.  (http://www.lifewithoutlimbs.org/)  In about 5 minutes I had peace in knowing that having a full functioning body didn't mean that you'd be happy.  I know that I'm special and that God will use this "change" for something amazing.  I really believe that, and am willing to endure this time because I'm not alone, ever.  Life is short and I don't want to lose time wallowing in self-pity, or going through depression though it's a normal thing to experience (briefly).  I tell myself to hang on one more day and that usually works. 

It's been just over two weeks and I'm feeling much better.  Even my eyesight is returning to it's original prescription (as predicted by my diabetes educator), and once again, the power of prayer, love, and faith have brought me through one of life's battles.

Put Your Back Into It

Weeks have gone by, and much has changed.  I'll write more later about the changes.

Today, I had one of those moments, the kind where the light bulb illuminates mental blockage and provides clarity.  It's the less dramatic version of the "Ah ha!" moment.

I just spent a few weeks thinking about life and relationships and so on and came to a conclusion tonight.  

Expand on what you know you have.

I was worried about what hasn't happened, what might not happen.  I was caught up with the "what abouts" and "what ifs".  And while watching a show about singing, I remembered.  I love to sing.  That's what's always made me happy and I'll just keep on singing.  It's where I let go (whether I sound horrible or not), it's where I meet the Lord.  And then all is right again.  Singing is the way I pray, it's the way I converse, it's the way I cry, express joy, love, hate, it's where I'm free.

This new found awareness said, "Now you have to dig.  Put your back into it", figuratively speaking that is.

God was telling me to keep trucking along in order to see all of the things that were in store for me.  You don't win the game if you don't play, right?

So whatever you're going through, remember that you've already won, the sun's always shining above the clouds, and there's plenty of "Ah ha!" moments ahead of you that will keep you going.

Drugs, Hugs, and Ughs.

Like many of my friends, I too have slowed down significantly with blogging.  I've got a few ideas jotted down and several blogs started.  I realize that if I don't write at the point of thought, that the blog tends to get sidelined until the "feeling" returns.

I did however want to keep updated with my progression.  I spoke to a girlfriend the other day who blogs a ridiculous amount of material, but it's because she has so much to talk about, child abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, and all of these topics in raw uncensored format.  We agreed that blogging helps to soothe a savage beast that's just dying to get out.  In fact, it prevents it from growing, keeps it in a non-morphing state, manageable.  If you've got a monster growing, I suggest you write, and if you don't have one, write about your journey.

A few weeks ago, I had a long day.  After a long day at work and a productive time at the SCI support group on Thursdays I called my brother so that he could pick me up from the hospital where the group is held at.   After a series of miss-communications, his girlfriend shows up with their dog instead of him.  I'm not quite comfortable with her yet, well most people in general.  There are a few people I'm comfortable with as far as car transfers go and though she says she's comfortable with me, the feeling is not yet reciprocal.  I love their dog as much as they do, but get a little peeved when they bring it with them to pick me up.  I let the dog sit on my lap because I love her, but it's damn annoying when I'm covered with dog hair and no one helps me to remove the hair.  I mean I can't leave dog hair all over me, esp. because I can't show up to work like that.  And yes, even a simple task like removing dog hair from my clothing takes much longer than usual.

To add insult to injury, my brother's gf offers to help me up the driveway of our home and starts pushing me.....on my back.  I almost fall out of the chair and don't think I've ever used profanity like that in front of her before.  I think I uttered something like "STOP STOP NONONONON...STOPSTOP!  JFC STOP!". ( I hate how you can't take words back.  I repented quickly.lol)  So I had to take a breather and educate her.  (F.Y.I., if you help push someone in a wheelchair, push the CHAIR, not the person. ugh.)

Upon reading my mail once inside, it was like, uh oh, here it comes.  I received a letter from the CA State Board of Pharmacy, a "Letter of Admonishment".  You know it's not good when you get registered mail from a State office. I panicked upon reading the letter, thinking to myself, " I can't lose my job, it's the only income I have".  With a contained panic, I looked up "admonishment" per the online dictionary to be clear on what they were telling me and basically, it's a written form of a scarlet letter stating that they're slapping me on the wrists and that I need to have the letter readily available at all times for 3 years.  REALLY?  I think I'll just scan it and download it to my phone...technology, eh?  This D.U.I. is just a never ending nightmare.

I was going through all the emotions in the rainbow that day.  

At the support group, we talked about "touch" for a while.  I have to tell you that I miss hugs.  Great big bear hugs where someone at some point gets lifted off the ground or gasps for air, lol.  Now, I get awkward hugs because people are afraid to hurt me or just don't know where to place their arms.  And inevitably, someone tends to get my makeup on their clothing.  (Sorry if you're one of the lucky few)

Lack of sensation below the waist also means that there's no sexual urges either.  Sex is all mental now and has to be reprocessed through different regions of the body because the sensation/stimulation points change once you mess with the nerves.  It also has added to the warped sense of humour that I have because you're almost forced to think about it creatively, and me having a wild imagination????  It makes me wonder how perverse a person can really be.  It's like getting a free ticket to think like a freak.  Picture having sex with someone without having your genitals, you'll come up with some strange ideas.  Living in So. Cal, and having cable make it hard to think about sex in a way that's not traditional.  We've barely skimmed the surface in group about sexual intercourse, but people (usually the guys) are more functional than women.  Everyone's different.  Anyhow I'll expand on that later.  But for now, we'll stay with touch.  Someone suggested swimming.  People with Spinal Cord Injuries (SCI) are always placed in warm water to help stimulate circulation, while others with paralysis due to degenerative diseases are placed in cold water.  The warm water is said to be stimulating.  If you think about it, our skins is one of the major sex organs, right?

Well, I'll wrap this up since it's just after 11 p.m.  I get up for work around 4 a.m.   My kingdom for sleep.  G'nite.