Feeling Grey

I'm always bouncing around the 5 steps of acceptance.   Today I'm fighting a tag team duo: Depression and Anger.  They're in good fighting shape.

I spent this entire day waiting to get home, sucking back fits of ugly tears.

I accept a lot. 

Paralysis, a broken body that keeps breaking down, anxiety, depression, fear of lack of independence, physical separation on a human level and on a living situation level (I live downstairs and am not skilled to get out of my chair on to the floor (unless I'm being tossed out - it's not pretty) let alone up the stairs.  That education has been put aside until I can get at least 10% (20 lbs) off of me (if ever).  I'm not a part of my family completely.   I'm Harry Potter living in the cupboard under the stairs sans the hateful family.

When PMS hits the fan, duck!  It's like the wrestler who comes out of nowhere with "the chair".  Emotions become icing on top of fondant, coated in chocolate, then shoved into a molten lava cake...it's too much, it's artificial and real at the same time.

Today, everything went wrong and I feel like I'm crumbling inside.  I could be tired, my blood sugar could be out of whack, I most likely have hormones running a muck like 2-year-olds on Pixy Stix.  It's overwhelming.  If I wasn't so vain about the great makeup job I did today, I'd be sobbing my eyeballs out.

I was reminded this morning about how little I have (possessions downsized 75% from an apartment), and how much space it takes, how annoying it is to some people.  It's like moving all your stuff to a Manhattan Loft.  No space.  Oddly enough the stuff taking up space is mostly medical supplies...again reminded of how much of a burden one can feel like when not able to fully function like before.  Fuck.

On the way to work I had a driver who wanted to complain about her ungrateful daughter that she refuses to call because she thinks that a selfish 22-year-old is abnormal.  Well it's not my kid, it's yours...just saying.  Don't push your pity party into mine (Selfish mental rants galore).

I was left behind by my work shuttle and was treated like a nuisance when I asked for help with the mobile shuttle tracker because their driver left me.

Lots of little things went wrong today.

I am always grateful for the big picture and know that I have to endure today.  I just can not wait till I get home to become a basket case.  Is that weird to schedule basket case moments and pity parties?  How convenient.  ::sarcasm::

What is a life worth?

Mamma mia, it's been 4 months since my last post.  The brain needs to be relieved.

I'm still working part time, working out 4 days weekly, am "trying" to consume 1200 calories daily, and am working on accomplishing physical goals that have failed multiple times over the past 18 or so yeeeeeaaaaarrrrrs.  I need to get this weight off.  My dietician always offers analogies of being thin and marry said analogies with the ideas of how life would be easier.  I've never been thin, well maybe when I was 10 or younger, so these ideas she tries to apprise me of seem foreign, unreal.  My faith in God is amazing, tangible.  The schoolgirl crushes have returned , but the mature woman in me (cougar status applicable?....divide by 2, add 8...) knows when to say, "when".

Someone I knew in the wheelchair community has passed on to her next great adventure.  It's the 2nd person in 2 years that has died as a result of unhealthy behavior.  The paralysis (life traumas for some, tragedies for others) can either perpetuate existing bad behaviors or force you to finally choose a new (better) path for your life.  NO middle ground really exists, just a murky combination of the two.  Coping skills are as unique as one's DNA and finding balance is a more complicated matter.  This young girl who's paralysis had resulted from her husband stabbing her in the neck, was spunky, loving, loud-mouthed, imposing, beautiful, awkward, and sweet.  Watching her life spiral downward, removing myself from her behavior, was sad to say the least.  She's free of her suffering and frustration, many of us will miss her.  Injuries, physical and emotional, would possibly be better remedied if we understood that to get better you had to make a choice to acknowledge your situation, choose to be educated, allow support (which is invaluable) from loved ones and community members, and put into action what you've learned, all under the umbrella of faith.  This I learned from an amazing mentor.

Getting older seems to be like deleting hundreds of e-mails all at the same time.  You start by innocently (or recklessly) clicking all the newsletters, replies upon replies, business notices, etc, and by the time you get to maybe the 200th e-mail you become more meticulous in selecting sequential messages because "one wrong click" results in all of your carefully selected "messages to delete" to UNcheck themselves and then....you have... to...start...over.  (Insert face palm).  Only in life, having to start over in your later years proves to be more difficult, frustrating.  My bankruptcy took 10 years to disappear, the D.U.I. along with the $15,000 I had to pay seem to be eternal, and the paralysis resulting from the spinal cord injury from a hit-and-run accident could be forever, but NEVER say, "Never".

I'm not dating and am not looking for Mr. Right, but know that I will take life's offerings and consciously experience all of it's amazing mysteries day by day.  I increasingly say, "yes" every day and one day will say "yes" to an amazing man.  I met with an old flame a few weeks back.  We've always had great chemistry as individuals/friends and that maintains, yet it's always a weeeeee bit awkward when he says "My wife" this, and "My wife" that.  His two kids are both in, and on their way to college and we now have conversations that consist of retirement plans, work ethics, physical accomplishments now that we're older, like low cholesterol, lol.  What we had was a lifetime ago, yet I cherish him because finding someone in this world that can reciprocate laughter and chemistry is truly a rare find.

Last Friday, I attended our church's women's group.  Forgiveness was the topic at hand and I was asked to share my testimony.  Forgiveness is a 2-sided coin in that you have the opportunity to both forgive, as well as, ask/receive forgiveness.  It's a divine act that calls us to replicate it if we say we love God.  It's choosing to remember a hurtful/painful situation with better perspective and offering the darkness to God knowing that he is capable of being completely just.

My DUI resulted from poor judgement and affected another human, their family.  I will never be able to undo or take back that night.  You know, I (you) easily could have been the driver that paralyzed someone or worse and was spared from ever having to experience that.

On the flip side, I found myself on the giving end after being hit by a vehicle in December 2008.  After many months of physical rehabilitation and time to think about my life, I reflected on the fact that God offered me grace, and matured me beyond my years in a mere matter of months.  Again, our roles could have been easily flipped.  The process is difficult and necessitates divine aid.  Many people wonder why I'm not vengeful, spiteful, depressed, or vindictive.  Truthfully, I have experienced grace, I own my faults and have learned to be a better human.  

I will say that the situation most difficult to approach is the hurt my brother experienced.  He's experienced a level of anger that has just now subsided to an intermittent low level hatred towards this individual.  I feel such sadness when I see the hurt in him.  As for me, I'm more assertive, more loving, compassionate, kind, more faithful, more open, more giving and I'm still funny as hell!  I lived, I survived, I won.  I'm in round 2 of my life and I choose to forgive the individual, the one that caused undue stress on my family, my friends, the one who wrecked my body, the one that caused all kinds of collateral damage in my life.  I pray that they experience God's grace and I pray that they become a better human too.

OOOOHHH and did I mention that I have a super awesome nephew now???  I doooooo and he's been able to put the biggest band-aid over the broken pieces of our hearts.  This little life fixed all of the adults in our home.

Meet JimJim!

 












In the famous words of Edna Mode, "You will remind him of who YOU are!...GO and confront the problem!  Fight!  WIN!..."

5 and ALIVE!

www.triumph-foundation.org

I have been more involved with this awesome non-profit organization, www.triumph-foundation.org.  Volunteering has allowed me to pay back (pay forward) the kindness that the founder and his wife brought to me when I spent my "Merry Christmas" in an Intensive Care Unit 5 years ago.  They hand out care baskets with informative "How to" brochures and goodies that help people newly injured with an SCI (Spinal Cord Injury) year round.  Extra love and cheer make them super special during the holidays.  He, like I, was injured and hospitalized during the winter holidays so we love to spread cheer and hope roundabouts this time.

Hope is alive as I've learned that the Christopher & Dana Reeve Foundation have expanded upon new fields of research to complement and create alternatives to regenerative medicine studies, a.k.a. stem cell research.  One such research involves Epidural Stimulation, while other new studies involve electroencephalography.  With bright hopes, the FIFA World Cup 2014 will start off with a paralyzed teenager making the first "KICK" of the games!  Things are definitely looking up!

Pairing this hope with a tangible hand to hold provides a light to help someone see the possibilities that life STILL affords an individual.  Triumph Foundation's motto is to help individuals with Spinal Cord Injuries to triumph over their disabilities and employs many resources to inspire and keep people moving forward with their lives by pushing themselves to get better every day

At the holiday party @ C.O.R.E., I was reminded of a powerful statement, "You'll find that your abilities far outweigh your disabilities and you ARE getting better everyday."  This motto is foundational to the way I approach everything now and can be applicable to anyone facing challenges, big or small.

A few weeks back I had a procedure.  For a moment I was saddened at the fact that I had to go in & go home ... alone.  People kept asking me how I was getting home or who was present with me to watch my stuff or sign paperwork, etc. and I had to keep repeating out loud, in my own words.

No one.

It's one thing to know this fact but to repeat it over and over again is just annoying.  1.  I don't want to dwell on the fact that I'm alone and 2.  I really can get around on my own, I'm fine, please stop asking me these questions.  (Don't get me wrong, I know it's protocol to make sure that someone who has been sedated doesn't drive themselves home, it was just poor timing for me.)

While waiting in the Pre-Op area, I had time to reflect on my current position, disposition, abilities, disabilities and came to the conclusion that I am really fortunate.  I do have seriously down days where I ponder about the "whys" of life, like, "Why would God would allow me to experience this?", but then, there's always this simultaneous up stroke, the silver lining which presents itself slowly when I pursue each day with a desire to allow my purpose to unfold.  I let go of the emotional insanity that can be easily aggravated by hormones, and choose to begin each day with gratitude and humbleness knowing that I am getting better in ways I never expected.

I love the phrase that states, "Sometimes we have to let go of things because they're........heavy."

So I begin my 6th year with gratitude and an eagerness to see what ,or who, will cross my path.

Oh, and I have a suuuuuuper cute chubby nephew to keep me preoccupied when I'm feeling down, and to add joy when I'm on top of the world. OH and a super cute niece born just 3 weeks after the little guy!

http://nesn.com/2014/01/walk-again-project-could-allow-paralyzed-teen-to-take-first-kick-at-2014-world-cup-video/

Amazing, have you tried it?

I was feeling very tired today but have had an amazing 24 hours.  Well, I guess every 24 hours is potentially  amazing if you choose to see it that way.  I am experiencing amazing things today because I choose to see them.  

I saw Robin Williams and Bobcat Goldthwait last night for an intimate evening exploring Robin's life: past, present, and future (all while laughing...I mean, piss in your pants laughing).  I enjoyed the company of a birthday girl, experienced fresh made ice cream created with the magic of blue velvet cake and nitrogen while rolling around Beverly Hills, slept, woke up another day (Thank God!), failed, forgave myself, and moved forward again.  Fall down 7 times, get up 8, right?  I worked at a job that I'm grateful for and made it home safely.

The evening commenced with doggy kisses, a hug from my brother, a laugh with my sister in law, and a wash of excitement over the nearing arrival of my nephew.  I worked my butt off with my favorite therapist and the awesome staff at C.O.R.E. (http://www.corecenters.info/) and enjoyed the kind of workout where you're dripping sweat down every part of your body all while laughing and sharing stories, and, ideas.  A new friend at the gym encouraged me to write.  She is a writer and a motivational speaker and had challenged herself to a 40-day writing challenge.  This sparked all kinds of ideas and incited a brainstorming session between me, myself, and I (3 awesome people, lol), so here I am writing (typing) again.

Tonight I was given a great explanation and example as to why mindset was so important.  A story about gazelles and lions and their reasons for running gave way to an explanation in which motivation, mindset, and consistent commitment were key factors in determining your goals and outcomes of said goals.  Practical work in conjunction with a plan would determine how great of a result you would achieve.  I believe "awesome" was a word used. :)

The computer was turned on, I cracked my typing knuckles and logged on and set the writing mood with the Beatles' Pandora station.  While online, e-mail was the first thing I checked and to my surprise an oooooold friend from the dancing scene had sent me an e-mail with warm salutations and shared that he had a dream that we were hanging out.  Amazing guy.  I meandered over to the Iconoclasts site in order to share the link with a friend and realized that I, myself, had experienced life changing alchemy with individuals, both short- and long-term, and was better connected to humans than I had previously imagined.  

When I checked my Facebook page (as we all do) I read a great post by an amazing individual I know in the wheelchair community expressing a choice to believe in the goodness of the human race because someone had returned his just-lost wallet with all contents accounted for.  This blessed him.  Key words: "choice" and "blessed". (side note: I've decided to leave my chosen FB language as English (Pirate), Arrrr you scallywags!)

 So as I sit here physically exhausted, I am singing and writing and realize that I'm experiencing "amazing" whilst writing about it.  Every part of my soul and spirit are nourished.

Good music, a loving family, a therapeutic workout for my body and soul, a homemade dinner, and more laughing.  Amazing, right?  God is good.

Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb. - Sir Winston Churchill