happy...

I don't think I've ever written a post being completely happy.  It's usually me blathering about negative things to rid my head of the sludge.  I find clarity once these thoughts have been thoroughly evacuated.

Call it endorphins, call it purpose, call it a "sense of self", but I'm in a simple word, happy.  It's not that life is perfect or that I am perfect but I know who I am.

We are getting ready to welcome a baby in our family, my first nephew!  This is the closest I think, I'll be coming to having kids for awhile.  My family unit at home is solid and dare I say, functioning.  We are open, honest, communicative, and in agreement to make things work.  Our family was broken for so long and began to repair the day I became paralyzed.  I would never change a thing or give this up for a former life of mediocrity, frustration, addiction, and loneliness.  The kind of loneliness I experienced was all self inflicted and driven by fear and self-loathing. 

Never have I been so sure of myself and my abilities.  My mind was not damaged by the car that hit me, but has been opened and awaken, freed.  This entire journey has brought me to a place of fortitude, solace, humility, strength, love, generosity, and freedom.

My relationship with God and my purpose have never been so clear and open.  The narrow road it is!  Nobody can shake my faith nor can they bring me down.  I am awake and feel confident to take every step forward afforded to me.  I am not afraid.

I was also enlightened to the fact that I'm rich.  I have art, music, love, a relationship with God, peace, and so much more that cannot be purchased with money.

I have made several changes in my life and have met an amazing abundance of people on the same journey experiencing the same self awareness and fearlessness.  I am physically getting stronger, spiritually sure, emotionally reigning in my thoughts and am learning how to evaluate said thoughts. Slowly but surely through consistency to new ways of thinking I'm conquering my food addiction and am healthier dietary wise.  My life is not mine anymore and I join in the energy of every living being and gladly welcome all who want to share in this journey.  Let's go forward, shall we?

Leave behind the things that keep you in the same place.  Rehab is like life.  There is nothing stagnant.  You are either growing or regressing at all times.  If you are afraid, hold my hand, lean on my shoulder, bend my ear.  I love to share so won't you share your meals, jokes, stories, heart, experiences with me?  We can move forward together...stronger.

¹⁹ “For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. ²⁰ I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. ²¹ I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!”

"...Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you But in your dreams whatever they be Dream a little dream of me.."

Pink is the NEW "Black"

I have a terrible habit of losing things; wallets, homework, keys, cameras.

I had a camera I loved and lost it at a restaurant.  Being in the wheelchair breeds bad habits.  I shove a lot of items between my thighs so I can have my hands free for things like pushing my chair when I use the manual chair.  One night I did just that.  I shoved this camera between my thighs for easy access so I could take loads of pictures of a birthday party dinner.  I did a depression (that's when I lift my body up so that the rump can have some circulation, thereby avoiding getting a pressure wound) and dislodged said camera.  Within 5 minutes it disappeared into some alternate universe.  :/

I like black because it goes with everything.  The camera was black so it was impossible to find it in a dimly lit restaurant full of dancing folks.  Black is like my life.  I like everything to blend into the background.  I don't want to stand out, I just want to enjoy the rest of my life and could care less for the most part if I make a difference or not.  If I happen to, great.  Even my Facebook ID is "Black Olive".  Some gag name created in a website called "Black Dynamite Yo' Self".  (A "B" movie that didn't do too well).

I purchased a replacement camera on eBay identical to my camera but in "hot pink".  I thought that a hot pink camera would be more difficult to lose....again.  It has been with me for several years now and is always a conversation starter.  

Since I have begun meditating I've aligned my thinking closer to a quote I read a while back.

"Once you awaken, you will have no interest in judging those who sleep"

How profound, how liberating.  I felt a freedom to not let the negativity of the world affect me, whether it be an annoying coworker, feelings of unnecessary obligation, a set back in physical therapy due to a hospitalization,and a lot of other things that I have been experiencing since injury.  I was happy to "be" and was happy to progress and learn.  I have the patience of a saint (in comparison to who I was) and a wonderful relationship with my family and myself.  I made a decision to be HAPPY!

Injury in itself liberated me from judgement from any source, a less-than-stellar past, grave mistakes that had haunted me,and self-loathing.  Acceptance of my new self has let me reintroduce the good parts of my old self into current existence. 

I am setting new goals, seeing a dietician, working my tuckus off at the gym and working on loving on people, but more importantly, I am paying it forward.  I am now the hot pink camera that doesn't mind being different yet the same and I don't mind standing out.  Every opportunity I have in conversation results in something positive coming out of my mouth and heart.

The last week has been full of exceptional moments that remind me that anything is possible and to never say "never".

Pink is the Black.....Olive.

Happy Palm Sunday.  Renew yourself and remember the meaning of this season.  Sacrifice, Faith, Renewal, and a freedom to a new life.  God bless you all.

"This is the day Jesus entered triumphantly into Jerusalem and marked, for some, the beginning of a new era in fulfillment of  Zechariah 9:9. There was incredible excitement in the city, but it was a mixed excitement. Some were glad this worker of miracles was entering the Holy City, while others were poised to end his life as a troublemaker and rebel! The events that transpired between that original Palm Sunday and the next Sunday, Resurrection Sunday, changed the world forever."

Think About It

I've upped my game and have a plan at the gym.  The short term goal (half/joke half/not) is that I want to be able to change the water bottle on the cooler at work.  It's 40+ pounds.  Workouts have been appropriately renamed "Olive B's Water Cooler Training".

Mental workouts have been suffering because, well, I never thought about working out my mental wellness. 

At C.O.R.E. (www.corecenters.info) a friend and fellow gym buddy decided to step up to the plate as he had been practicing meditation for many years.  He explained his journey, the desire to teach, and desire to help those of us who were already helping ourselves.  The gym is becoming a total wellness center for me.

Meditation with Andy started at the perfect time.  I needed to learn how to calm myself and focus on the daily tasks at hand as everything has been so up and down, and for the most part, overwhelming.

The first session taught me how to focus on breathing and how to compartmentalize and separate feeling and thoughts from the "now".  I discovered a little "me".  A perfect little version of myself that reminded me of my original blue print, my uniqueness, and how special I am to be part of this life, that I am meaningful in my existence in this great big universe.

This little "me" loves the big me and helps me to heal by touching, in fact painting, all the parts of my body that are injured and need healing.  It kind of looks like this.

I next discovered an older girl version of myself that was hurt, lost, that needed love and encouragement.  Vulnerability was rediscovered and I literally cried.

My first practical situation was like this:

I woke up to an abrupt chaotic morning.  I thought it was saturday, ignored the alarm, woke up to Access calling me to pick me up and there I was, in bed.  I took a breath, decided to accept the situation, the chaos, and all went peacefully.  

I called the service center to let them know that I might take too long to get ready and with no explanation the Access operator said the driver would wait.  This is UNHEARD of.  The driver waited 10 minutes (with a passenger in the vehicle).  I put myself together asap without panic and chaos and we took off. ::scratching head::

Anywho, I made it to work and expected a great day.  It was, and there you have it.  Meditation, breathing, peace.

To be continued...

Resolutions?

I do not make resolutions.  If you're going to change something, do it now.  I've been getting out a little bit more and each time I had gone out I had mixed feelings.  

I'm frustrated that I don't drive but it's just too expensive.  It would be a dream to get my Impala suped up and modified with hand controls.  Not being able to drive severely limits my spontaneity.  Access Services is great but is also limited when it comes to distance and scheduling.  I am such a social butterfly and love impromptu meetings but for now that only happens when I can catch a bus or schedule a ride ahead of time on Access.

I can transfer in and out of a car when I'm in my manual chair but for now I'm covered in attachments.  I still have a wound vac  connected to my right thigh and a PICC I.V. line in my left arm.  Pushing the manual chair is painful because the I.V. site rubs against the back of the chair each time I push.  The wound under my leg and my catheter (which can act up) both leak when least expected.  I use seat liners when I travel and it's embarrassing, but necessary.  

I was invited to a Christmas party by a friend (who ended up not coming due to being sick) and decided to stay to hear some music.  I knew the music would be good but was pleasantly surprised to know that some of the best of the best musicians were playing salsa music that night.  I saw a few old friends and watched the crowd, which was strewn with old school salseros, dance the night away.  I watched longingly with a burning desire for that to be my future, 80 years old and dancing salsa, HOT salsa!  The best I could do was dance from the waist up in my chair.  I felt kind of lame, oh wait, I guess it's cause I kind of am, lol.  Wah wah wah waaaaaaaahhhhh.

A few Sundays after that I paid a surprise visit to one of my dearest friends and first dance instructors.  I wanted to bring her a belated house warming gift (which was waaaay late) as well as a Christmas gift.  I stayed to watch the salsa class that was in progress, and again, I longed to dance.  

I cried a few nights ago while Mom was helping me and for the first time I asked out loud, "How long will I be like this?".  Mom reassured me that it was temporary.  I couldn't help it.  The next few questions that came out of my mouth were, "when", "when", "when".  I drifted off to sleep and woke up feeling calm.  On Sunday one of the worship songs we sang answered my questions.  These are the lyrics:

hungry I come to You for I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry  
so I wait for You so I wait for You  
I'm falling on my knees offering all of me  
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for
broken I run to You for Your arms are open wide 
I am weary but I know Your touch restores my life  
so I'll wait for You so I'll wait for You
I'm falling on my knees offering all of me  
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for 
Oh, I'm falling on my knees offering all of me  
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for 

I remembered that I was waiting on His timing and that I wouldn't be alone in the meantime.  My heart was quieted and reassured.  I was given new resolve for the new year.

Going to the gym has become priority and I was surprised and grateful when my therapist sat me down to talk about a game plan for the weeks to come.  We assembled a fitness plan that would complement both my personal work out days and my therapy days.  It seems that 2013 will be my strongest year ever.

It goes without saying that I am the sum of the amazing people that support and love me and I am grateful.