P.M.S.

P.M.S.

Premenstrual Syndrome: PMS is a disorder characterized by a set of hormonal changes that trigger disruptive symptoms in a significant number of women for up to two weeks prior to menstruation. 

Really? 2 weeks of insanity?  lol
 
To me, P.M.S. means (P)lease (M)ake it (S)top,

I guess we all feel that way, right?  Regardless of situations, abilities, (Diff)abilities, sometimes we want to cover our mouth with one hand and raise our other hand to signal to the ride operator that we'd like to get off the ride.  Fortunately that's not the case.  Every situation and moment has grown me and taught me about who I am, who I am supposed to be and in return I've paid it forward and have been rewarded with an amazing support system and life where I've been given friends, mentors, heroes, athletes, survivors....tour guides to this thing called life. 

I have my moments.  The other day I just wanted to break something and haven't yet. 3 1/2 years and counting.  Karma means if I break it, I clean it up and I can't destroy things I love.  I even want to break relationships so that I can isolate myself and have room to breathe.  I still live in a room without privacy and as an adult that would trade her kingdom for privacy that's pretty horrific.  I am fortunate to have a power chair that acts as my vehicle right now and I'm pretty good about getting around by bus.  I am able to get to the market, the movie theater, my gym, and other places if I plan it right.


One morning, I'm unsure of whether it was my blood sugar being out of whack (type I diabetes sucks), hormone imbalances (that are worsening with no end in sight), or just sheer frustration, my mom had left and was supposed to be back to help me out a bit and she went missing on one of her shopping trips.  She's older now and takes a lot longer to do basic things.  She left her phone at home because it was dead and I was stuck in bed with a catheter leak.  Ugh, another wonderful side effect of paralysis and a body which I'm still struggling to understand.  So I just started yelling.  The house was empty for once and I was able to just release.  How freeing that was.  Fast forward mom got home and we got into it a bit.  

She agreed to change my catheter (done monthly or when I feel a UTI has taken over) and I asked her to wash her hands.  She was immediately offended and got mad at me for asking her.  I snapped.  How am I supposed to ask a stranger and not my mom.  She couldn't understand.


The metal reacher was available so I grabbed it and beat my poor lamp with all my might repeatedly.  That wasn't good enough.  I finally got pissed off at my body and turned the reacher on to my legs.  I beat them till they were red/bruised.  They didn't care.  I didn't care.  I wanted off the ride.  I cooled off and peace was eventually restored.  The bruises are gone,


Nothing is expected of me now but to live, survive, and be happy.  I think we should do our best to enable others to be happy as well. (in a legal way, lol).

Anything and Nothing.

I'm in my head again.  I over think things, play out a bunch of scenarios that haven't happened (yet???), and am in a constant flux of positive and negative mood swings.  argh.  I had a tiff with my sister-in-law about her using my printer and jamming it without fixing it without my permission ....read as invading my personal space when I already feel that I don't have privacy.  When confronted, there wasn't a tinge of remorse which made it all the more irritating.  Kind of like when someone apologizes and says, "I"m sorry....YOU feel that way".  

We haven't really spoken and as a side effect, my brother hasn't spoken to me either.  Not because of ill will but because it's awkward around here.  I've never really told her much but I had to draw the line when she used my computer without asking.  This is my sanctuary, where I conduct business, where I write down moments like this....personal stuff.  I have never experienced having a little sister that would take your stuff without asking and am not accustom to, nor do I care to become comfortable with this kind of thing.  

During the course of life rehabilitation I've had to learn how to fight for my rights, use my voice, be proactive,  and be a gentleman while doing so.  Everyone tells me to get over it, and I am...slowly.  I'm reminded that we don't choose our family, but I'd rather be silent than say something I regret.  I am no good at apologies. 

In the meantime, all the sadness I feel of having my brother not talk to me (similar to when we would fight before my accident) irritates the crap out of me.   I ask him for stuff from the kitchen and he brings it down without saying a thing, anything, nothing.  There's no eye contact.  He delights in talking to everyone else, goes out with his friends and has stopped asking me to go out.  He plans nothing with me and it makes me feel even more invisible.  Meh.  I don't even get a "God bless you" after sneezing or a "Good night, love you" before he goes to sleep.  Maybe he thinks I'm mad at him...???...

Socially, even in a group that embraces all due to it being a very exclusive group of people (wheelchair users) you go through the same social ringer as with any other group comprised of human beings.  Cliques form, and you are either "in" or you're "out".  There's no ill will behind it, but socially, it just happens.  Able-bodied friends (close friends) understand that I need a little bit of time and notice before going out since I have to take Access Services everywhere.  RSVPs are made a day ahead so a "head's up" is always needed.  I am extremely grateful for the close group of friends I have but still feel alone.  I feel myself withdrawing again and am staring to isolate myself.  I love going to the movies by myself, shopping by myself, and talking to myself, j/k.   And truth be told, I'm giving up on finding love and will just wait for it to happen when the moment's right.

My best friend U. is busy with a beautiful new baby boy, my other best friend J is usually working and will be busy with her niece and nephews for the next 3 months, mom is getting older and can't do as much with me, and other friends are busy with life in general.   I've picked up smoking again out of boredom and sadness.  Like all other vices, it's a means of control.  So I'm dealing with life on a moment to moment basis. 

My brother and his wife will be leaving for Hawaii tomorrow for her brother's wedding and I hate the idea of not clearing the air before they leave.  Never leave things undone, right?  sigh.  This is the rough patch, the times that make the good days, great.

My Mum 2012

 It's Mother's Day Sunday.  I always miss my mom in the mornings as she dashes off to church for 7:00 a.m. mass and then to work at 9:30 a.m.  I spend Sunday mornings catching up on sleep lost during the week.  


My bladder has been trained to be emptied every 3-4 hours.  If I oversleep it could be a little messy and sure enough I overslept without emptying my bladder ( I manually empty my bladder through an indwelling foley catheter that's never removed - not fun ).  Even with the medicine I take( which prevents the bladder from having spasms) I woke up in a mini puddle of urine.  sigh....and Sundays when I wake up, I'm alone.  

Getting cleaned up and dressed is more difficult, if not tricky.  Today I managed to get cleaned up and out of bed in 45 minutes.  I hadn't planned anything tonight because mom's pretty tired when she gets home and I don't need a day to celebrate Mother's Day because she's a mom everyday. RIGHT?  Anywhoooo I decided to get her flowers and some chocolates that she fancies.

The process of getting out is ridiculous because so much time is wasted dropping things, picking them up, finding my bag, phone, the garage opener ( my entry point ) and making sure that I look presentable when I get out.

As I'm about to leave, I make sure to use the bathroom (read as emptying my bladder) and thanks to Murphy's Law the plug in the end of the catheter pops out before I'm ready and a bit of urine leaks out.  At this point I refused to spend another 45 minutes getting in and out of bed to change so I grab some towels, spot clean and head out with a wet spot on my right thigh.  I figure the valley heat and wind should dry me off in no time.  Sorry if that's a little gross, but after doing it so many times, I absolutely refused!


After checking out the last-minute Mother's Day flower selections, I managed to grab the last 2 pretty bunches of orchids, a simple tall square glass vase from the Goodwill next door and assembled everything into something presentable.   A little creativity, a Goodwill find, and chocolates make for a nice little "Welcome Home" / "Happy Mother's Day!" gift when you get home.  She'll be home in 1 hour and can't wait to give it to her.  She loves me unconditionally even though I'm a handful, lets me rant and cry during the hard days and celebrates my victories with me.  She is present and she is love.  She's my mom and I hope that if God ever grants me the title of "Mom" that I will be just as amazing.  I love you mom!

The Show Must Go On

Today I'm running on 2 hours of sleep.  The burden of filing taxes has been lifted and I've begun selling on eBay again at a slower pace.  I now do it as a hobby and not as a means to support myself (as much) or to offset costs for medical supplies.  I've become a gym rat again and LOVE IT!  The multitude of support from everyone and my current medical needs have ushered me into a more productive, fitter life.  

Struggles still exist, whether they be with love, self image, healthier lifestyle choices, or making better emotional choices for myself.  I've managed to catch up with a lot of old friends as well as participate in the lives of current friends that are also moving forward.  Wedding mania last year has turned into baby mania this year, lol.  It's a testament to the age I've arrived at.  The 30-somethings are doing what the 20-somethings did decades ago.

Over the last 3 years of accommodating and adjusting to doing everything in a wheelchair, I've continued to evolve and triumph over my SCI (Spinal Cord Injury).  Being more active with non-profit organizations and other exciting projects have brought me to stasis, to a point in my life where I feel like I can ask the question again, "What's next?".

I feel like I've almost conquered the 5 stages of accepting change, similar to the steps of accepting death/loss.   Similar stages have been referred to as the Kübler-Ross model, The Five Stages of Dying, The Five Stages of Grief, The Five Stages of Loss, The Five Stages of Coping with Dying, The Five Stages of Coping with Grief or The Five Stages of Coping with Loss.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

At times I feel that I've come to acceptance, but then I feel like I revert to the prior 4 steps at random moments.  Depression brings about feelings of suicide, giving up, letting go...and all have frequented my mind aggressively.  At some point I made a deal with my mom that I wouldn't kill myself until she died because she didn't deserve to suffer (almost) losing a child twice.  We even agreed to shop for burial options together.

Going back to exercise, I find that exercise (as promised by my therapist) chemically alleviates many if not all of these feelings and I zoom back to stage 5, Acceptance.  No meds needed (as if I didn't have enough to think about).

While reading previous posts, I see how far I've come and as always God shows up on time.  Yesterday I decided to read the Charles Spurgeon devotional that landed in my Yahoo Inbox and you guessed it, it had to do with suicide.  http://www.heartlight.org/spurgeon/0502-am.html

For those who are religious, suicide is taboo, frowned upon but no one ever bothers to explain why.  The reading talks about these exact moments in which we want to give up and (for Christians) go home to be with the Lord in order to alleviate current suffering.  Do we really want to be with the Lord and experience rest or do we simply want to run from the trials and (customary) tribulations?  Pain and suffering are temporary, wouldn't you agree?  When I see someone's face light up when given great news or watch someone rejoice when life is favorable, I empathize and rejoice with them!  I live for these moments and wouldn't miss them for the world.  A great example is when two of my closest girlfriends found out that they were having their 1st babies 2 months apart, I couldn't have been happier and jumped on the bandwagon when it came to planning their baby showers.

"...Now it is quite right to desire to depart if we can do it in the same spirit that Paul did, because to be with Christ is far better, but the wish to escape from trouble is a selfish one. Rather let your care and wish be to glorify God by your life here as long as he pleases, even though it be in the midst of toil, and conflict, and suffering, and leave him to say when "it is enough."...

"I pray not that thou shouldst take them out of the world."

John 17:15

This summed it up for me.  I know not everyone feels the same way, but I can agree that it is a little selfish to wish to leave this earth. I will continue to struggle, fall, and get up to fight the good fight until the Lord calls me home and while traveling down the road of life will learn to enjoy the journey in a fuller capacity.

Dick Clark died on my birthday and was laid to rest today.  He was a client of my therapist's for many years and inspired many as he continued to work after his stroke in 2004.  He told USA TODAY in an e-mail interview in December, "I'm encouraged by the many people who tell me I'm an inspiration to them." He added that he tried to keep a positive attitude "and attack every day with the thought things are going to get better."

In the undying words of the legacy known as Dick Clark, may he rest in peace,

"The Show Must Go On"

 http://life.time.com/culture/dick-clark-an-american-life/#2