The Show Must Go On

Today I'm running on 2 hours of sleep.  The burden of filing taxes has been lifted and I've begun selling on eBay again at a slower pace.  I now do it as a hobby and not as a means to support myself (as much) or to offset costs for medical supplies.  I've become a gym rat again and LOVE IT!  The multitude of support from everyone and my current medical needs have ushered me into a more productive, fitter life.  

Struggles still exist, whether they be with love, self image, healthier lifestyle choices, or making better emotional choices for myself.  I've managed to catch up with a lot of old friends as well as participate in the lives of current friends that are also moving forward.  Wedding mania last year has turned into baby mania this year, lol.  It's a testament to the age I've arrived at.  The 30-somethings are doing what the 20-somethings did decades ago.

Over the last 3 years of accommodating and adjusting to doing everything in a wheelchair, I've continued to evolve and triumph over my SCI (Spinal Cord Injury).  Being more active with non-profit organizations and other exciting projects have brought me to stasis, to a point in my life where I feel like I can ask the question again, "What's next?".

I feel like I've almost conquered the 5 stages of accepting change, similar to the steps of accepting death/loss.   Similar stages have been referred to as the Kübler-Ross model, The Five Stages of Dying, The Five Stages of Grief, The Five Stages of Loss, The Five Stages of Coping with Dying, The Five Stages of Coping with Grief or The Five Stages of Coping with Loss.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

At times I feel that I've come to acceptance, but then I feel like I revert to the prior 4 steps at random moments.  Depression brings about feelings of suicide, giving up, letting go...and all have frequented my mind aggressively.  At some point I made a deal with my mom that I wouldn't kill myself until she died because she didn't deserve to suffer (almost) losing a child twice.  We even agreed to shop for burial options together.

Going back to exercise, I find that exercise (as promised by my therapist) chemically alleviates many if not all of these feelings and I zoom back to stage 5, Acceptance.  No meds needed (as if I didn't have enough to think about).

While reading previous posts, I see how far I've come and as always God shows up on time.  Yesterday I decided to read the Charles Spurgeon devotional that landed in my Yahoo Inbox and you guessed it, it had to do with suicide.  http://www.heartlight.org/spurgeon/0502-am.html

For those who are religious, suicide is taboo, frowned upon but no one ever bothers to explain why.  The reading talks about these exact moments in which we want to give up and (for Christians) go home to be with the Lord in order to alleviate current suffering.  Do we really want to be with the Lord and experience rest or do we simply want to run from the trials and (customary) tribulations?  Pain and suffering are temporary, wouldn't you agree?  When I see someone's face light up when given great news or watch someone rejoice when life is favorable, I empathize and rejoice with them!  I live for these moments and wouldn't miss them for the world.  A great example is when two of my closest girlfriends found out that they were having their 1st babies 2 months apart, I couldn't have been happier and jumped on the bandwagon when it came to planning their baby showers.

"...Now it is quite right to desire to depart if we can do it in the same spirit that Paul did, because to be with Christ is far better, but the wish to escape from trouble is a selfish one. Rather let your care and wish be to glorify God by your life here as long as he pleases, even though it be in the midst of toil, and conflict, and suffering, and leave him to say when "it is enough."...

"I pray not that thou shouldst take them out of the world."

John 17:15

This summed it up for me.  I know not everyone feels the same way, but I can agree that it is a little selfish to wish to leave this earth. I will continue to struggle, fall, and get up to fight the good fight until the Lord calls me home and while traveling down the road of life will learn to enjoy the journey in a fuller capacity.

Dick Clark died on my birthday and was laid to rest today.  He was a client of my therapist's for many years and inspired many as he continued to work after his stroke in 2004.  He told USA TODAY in an e-mail interview in December, "I'm encouraged by the many people who tell me I'm an inspiration to them." He added that he tried to keep a positive attitude "and attack every day with the thought things are going to get better."

In the undying words of the legacy known as Dick Clark, may he rest in peace,

"The Show Must Go On"

 http://life.time.com/culture/dick-clark-an-american-life/#2

and now???

There's so much to write about and I've been busy with constant life adaptations, work, eBay, doing (semi) business taxes for the first time, working out, getting involved with more non-profit work, and getting back to the night life, though not like I used to.

I have a few blogs started but wondered if there was something you wanted to know specifically.  No holds barred and anything goes.  Only close friends & family on here, so if there's anything you'd like to know, comment on this post. :)  xoxo

Be Still and Know That I Am God, a True Thanksgiving Message.

Psalm 46:10

Upon first hearing this verse, I felt a feeling of relief, confidence, I felt that I could finally take one long deep breath without flinching.

Today, Sunday, my ride arrived late and decided to take the longest scenic route ever because his GPS was smarter than human logic.  Sunday morning =  no traffic on the freeways, yet the GPS insisted that there was less traffic if we traveled by side street.  :/  Prior to leaving I find out that my brother, Kat, and his friends were going to dim sum this morning.  They rarely wake up early on a weekend.  I should've known.  I was upset only because I thought that it was something I'd be invited to attend once they went out again because he knows I love dim sum.  I couldn't accept the last invite because I was hospitalized for my toe.  My brother hasn't invited me to go anywhere, but he's been going out a little more, to eat, go to movies, etc etc.  blah blah blah...soooo bottom line is that I had a bad morning and was getting crankier as it went on.

I heard the verse pop up in the back of my mind.  "Be still and know that I am God.".  Realistically I didn't want to be still, I wanted to growl, punch, kick (if I could), jump, and scream to release the frustration and anger.  But I couldn't.  I begged for God to calm  me and let me make it to church.  I knew I would be o.k. if I made it to church.  I did....and I was fine.  Then God answered me.

Today's sermon was about how we carry ourselves in times of frustration, anxiousness, fear, sadness, grief, anger, and whatever else you might be experiencing that hinders you from the joy and peace that God promises.  If we waste time worrying, then we lose that much more time that could be spent praying.  If we worry about the things that we can't control, then inadvertently we should release these and pray that God would take control.  Not of just the situation but of our minds.  He won't make the troubles disappear but can provide peace while we whether the storms that we're sailing through.

Having a relationship with God is not normal, usual, regimented.  This is the separation that the world knows as a result of the first sin.  Whether you believe that or not is entirely up to you, but it's a part of my faith which is very real.  Separation is real....back to the topic.  In order to have a relationship with God, a conscientious choice must be made to seek Him, converse with Him, accept Him, trust Him, and ultimately, return the love that He already has for us.  

When you find and focus on the things that are right about a situation, like say an annoying co-worker or a busy schedule,  and release the unknown to the Almighty, then you can find a way to shift worry to prayer.  You can be still and know that He is God and know that He is with you.  Meditate on these things.

Today ended with good advice.  I found a book while shopping which summed up the "forgiveness cycle" like this:

A. Recall the hurt
B. Empathize and try to understand the act from the perpetrator's perspective
C. Be altruistic by recalling a time you were forgiven
D. Put your forgiveness into words - in a letter to be sent or NEVER sent
E. Don't dwell

  ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice....

And the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:1-9

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 ⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. 

In all things give thanks.  I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. :)

There is no need...

..to lock your heart away.



I had a great workout the other day.  Towards the end I watched my therapist perform an evaluation for a new gym member.  She was injured 6 months before me and like most others that are injured in a similar time frame she's leaps and bounds beyond me in terms of moving on.  They drive, live on their own, take care of themselves for the most part and maybe, because life deems it necessary.  If you have kids, a spouse, a life long goal awaiting to be reached, or something else worth living for, those things seem to perpetuate you forward to do your best.  I lack focus sometimes and dwell on life daily.    I am attracted to my therapist, but not in a romantic way.  It's more like a "bromance".  LOL.  We get a long well, the dialog flows well, the jokes are abundant and time seems to disappear when we have therapy sessions.  I'm wise enough to know that we are just friends and I'm beyond grateful to have him as a therapist.


So the evaluation continues and a part of me, as usual, gets a teeny bit jealous.  Then I overhear him talk about getting her up into her leg braces and into a standing frame (an aide to help one stand for many health benefits).  My green eye monster subsides back into where it belongs, hidden away, and I start to think, "Why hasn't he ever brought up the subject of getting me up and standing?".  I know I need to have my bones checked first so I don't damage them.  (If you haven't stood for awhile you risk the chance of having soft bones and connective tissues, making the possibility of damage/fractures more real.)  The last thing I need is a broken leg. Ugh!  


My emotions started to get the best of me.  Maybe he thinks I won't be able to fully recover or stand.  Is it a quiet way to get me to do my best though he thinks I'd never walk?  I have a solid belief that this injury is temporary and a foolishly hopeful mind that thinks all things are possible.  Each spinal cord injury is different and recovery is just as unique for each individual .  I'm impatient, what can I say?


Rehabilitation is a multifaceted event which requires physical, emotional, and mental strength.  You have to want it bad enough to go after it everyday and still I struggle to find the reason.  Each workout makes me feel stronger, more capable, closer to independence once again, and then....I over think things and that's a fact well known to my closest friends.  I'm the epitome of a self-saboteur.  Most of it's mental and I don't share my over-thinking as much as I used to because it eventually subsides back into it's hidden place, back where the negative emotions lie dormant waiting for a catalyst.


I think of love, independence, peace, God's plan for my journey and all I can do is take it one day at a time.  Helping others makes me happy and I've begun to get involved with more fundraising events to help others who are disabled/wheelchair bound.  I don't want it to be a tool that gets me by because I know I genuinely love helping others.  I just need to find my focus.  There are days in which silently loving and caring for others frees me from my thoughts and I'm grateful that so many love me the same way.  I do my best not to take it for granted.  If you still yourself and meditate on things that are happening all around you, you'll see how blessed you are.  This thought process encourages me to keep going.  

So I try not to lock my heart away.  I choose to not be jaded, to be happy, open, to smile, even through these tough moments that last seconds but seem like an eternity....