Landslide

A landslide is always ready to happen.   It takes but a moment, an intense occurrence in order for it to be set off.

For me that was the accident, but this huge paradigm shift was set in motion years ago as many momentous life events are.

A couple of years ago I had abnormal cells on my uterus and had a few biopsies done in order to determine whether the cells were benign or malignant (read cancerous).  After a few tests, they were, well, just abnormal.  Seems perfectly normal to me that my life was abnormal.  I went through several rounds of hormone adjustment/replacement therapy and my hormones haven't been the same since.  In fact all of this "therapy" had set off regular bouts of PMS; mood swings, tenderness, cramps, crying...the works.

Since my return home, K's hormones have been setting the pheromone pace around here and well, when she's cycling, I'm cycling...sigh.

My brother and his wife live with us and have decided to move into my old room, next to his, because it's bigger.  It makes sense, they shouldn't be living in a tiny room when a bigger one is available, and let's face it, I won't be living in that room anytime soon.  (It's on the 2nd floor, a place I won't be going for a while.)  It's so close and so far.

Today they brought down the contents of my closet.  A typical girl's closet.  Clothing worn to death, clothing that I hoped to fit in after dieting and exercising and such, things I just had to have because they were on sale, and a few pieces that just felt like a dream that I could wear over and over and over again, the "timeless" pieces.

As I sorted through the items, I went through the lyrics of a song, Landslide by Fleetwood Mac.


I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Till the landslide brought it down

donate...

give away...

maybe mom, M or U, or even K would like these...

I was giving myself away and didn't care.  They were just pieces of clothing.  Towards the end, I found old work smocks and badges that signified some of the first changes of my life.  In 1997 I had moved out and got a new job at the same time and had no choice but to make it work.  These work pieces reminded me of those times.   I felt independent, strong, tired.  Then I came across more mature pieces, suits from a time when I tried to get into business for myself....that didn't work out.  A D.U.I. assured the end of that chapter.  Even the prom dress that I wore in 1993 was of no interest to me..."donate"...

The last piece I came across in the last pile for the night had the jacket I was wearing when I was hit by the car and paralyzed.  The Landslide was set off.  I examined it for signs of trauma, dirt, scrapes, something!  There was nothing.  Like the accident never happened...."donate"...move on.


Oh, mirror in the sky - What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I don't know, I don't know

I kept a few pieces and "heed & hawed" over a few that I eventually kept others to remember myself by.  It wasn't much.  Months ago I heard this song and realized that I was afraid of changing, that I was addicted to my old life, to who I was. It will never be.  I need to let go, move on, go on to the next chapter..."keep", or shall I say "keepsake".

Well, I've been afraid of changin'
Because I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
And I'm getting older, too


A new chapter is in progress.  Listening to emo songs while having a cocktail are not helping me emotionally right now.  With God's strength I'm understanding that though the path is present, yet unclear, that God's will is at hand.  I pray for clarity, strength, and peace daily.

Oddly enough, "Life Goes On" by the Beatles has begun at this very moment, lol.  Ob la di, Ob la da.  A sign?  Maybe, Ok, it IS a sign.  Life goes on...


So, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well, the landslide will bring it down
The landslide will bring it down 

Though changes will happen in your life, don't be afraid.  Sure, they will hurt, you will struggle, but by the grace of God, loved ones: friends, family, unexpected strangers, will be there to encourage and carry you.  Trust in God and go forward.  Don't get stuck being addicted to who you were and move on. 

You can't open the next chapter of the book until you close the last one.

Sexual Healing

It's something that I don't publicly discuss, or rather it's something that people don't want to discuss with me.  It's that white elephant that no one points out.  Even within the safety and security of the Spinal Cord Injury support group that I attend, we don't talk about it much, but when we do, we go all out.  Because everyone's level of injury differs, we all have different amounts of physical return that we experience.  Some have sensation, others have movement, and there are those lucky few that have both.  I've seen sexual aids, devices, furniture, and videos that show how a sexual relationship is possible.  I think it's cheezeballs but whatever.  Guys definitely still have it way easier than women who suffer from paralysis and there are those out there who will contradict me, but I see way more able-bodied women with paralyzed men opposed to the reverse situation.




Whatever traces of testosterone are in me sometimes insight a sexual riot in my brain.  Maybe it's the not knowing of what sex will be like in the future that causes me to over imagine different scenarios. Oddly enough, I think about it at a male pace, meaning almost constantly.  And I don't think of it as a disabled person, I go through the memories of having an able body,  meeting someone so incredible where the sexual chemistry is on fire and you just want to, well for lack of words, fuck.  Sounds crude, but hot sweaty amazing sex was always more fun than just "doing it". lol sorry.  We all have preferences.  I have to throw in the disclaimer that I liked porn from a very VERY young age.  The kind of thing where you discover it "on accident" and like other drugs, just like it.  It's always in the back of my mind, but it's not like I'm some maniac that collects it, lol.


I've tasted the pleasures of a sexual relationship and of course I love it, but don't be fooled, I was pretty conservative.  It wasn't with many people, and it wasn't all the time.  I still have a very spiritual side that reminds me that there is more to life than the physical and that sex is still something special, even to me.  (Only a woman would say that.... lol)


Now as far as the paralysis goes, I know that I'm physically unable to have sex like before.  Physical inability has awoken mental ability.  I think about it because I have a freedom to.  What everyone thinks about me is none of my business and I reserve the right to have mental, emotional, and spiritual freedom.  We only live but one life and I am not afraid anymore.


This statement is for whoever I end up spending the rest of my life with.  I may not hold you or be able to lay with you in a way that lovers do, but my kisses are golden, my love is genuine, and my spirit is amazing.  Our life will not be easy, but what marriage is?  I promise you that it will be an amazing life and with God's help, it will be out of this world!




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gO8-9OWzPOQ&feature=fvwrel&wl_token=OeF1qWnEA2sWlQwp7ifK1nHeTV18MTMwMjY2NDk3MA%3D%3D&wl_id=gO8-9OWzPOQ

I......just.miss.my.body.....

My fingers are at a stand still.  Do I put it on "paper"?  Is it an idea worth manifesting?  Is it just a passing emotion that will be reconciled, alleviated by tomorrow morning.  Why do we feel these feelings?  How do we control them?  These are the days which make the "good" ones great.

I'm afraid of the idea of change again.  The thought of school irritates me, but I need to acquire some new skills in order to change the future.  Looking for school again and the idea of homework isn't so grand of an idea in my mind.   Some have called me an underachiever, I just think I need to find out what I'm good at and get going!  The security and benefits I possess at work make it hard to even think of something new.  Am I stuck?

Days like this make me miss my old self, my old body.  It sounds selfish, especially in a time when Japan has suffered a 9.0 magnitude earthquake, is bordering on nuclear meltdown, and is now threatened by a possible snow storm.  People in Haiti have suffered for over a year now, New Zealand, Chile, and other countless places have suffered natural disasters in the last few months and we could be next.  According to the news and scientists, we're due a good one.  sigh.  This whole feeling is very apocalyptic.  Am I ready?  My friend who vlogs (video blogs) had interviewed a handful of people at our support group and 1 out of 10 were actually prepared with meds, medical supplies, and written instruction for self care in case of actual emergency.  I'm like 1/2 prepared. :/

On days when I'm overwhelmed and beyond tired and frustrated I let it out to mom when she helps me at night.  I let her know that I don't like the idea of loneliness, an unending future of catheters, bladder leaks, physical limitations and frustrations and wish (to her only) that I could go.  I'm not afraid of death, but am too chicken to check out early.  She reciprocates the feeling due to her constant back pain, arthritis, etc.  She made a weird statement the other day and oddly enough it didn't bother me. 

She said, "Maybe one day it would be nice if we just laid down together side by side and went together.".  I actually thought that despite the macabre interpretation of the sentiment, that it would be nice too.  Me and mom have become best friends and I would love to just hang out with her in heaven hand in hand to enjoy a presence free of pain and hurt.  I'm crying as I write this because it hurts me that she would want to go too.  I don't know why.  I love her so much and live for her.

I pray continually for peace and strength that only God will provide.

I do...

The New Year has been full of many things.  I continue to fight on, rehabilitate, choose life, and laugh a lot just to get through the rough spots because honestly it's a bigger, more deliberate, choice to "go on".  God seems to know how to keep me busy or better yet, occupied, distracted.  Amidst the daily distractions of bills, physical therapy, ridiculous Access Paratransit rides, support groups, and so on, I find that once again, I'm caught in a wave of weddings.  I survived the first wave of weddings about 6 years ago.  Being a brides maid in 2 weddings in one year as well as attending a few others around the country.  

A girlfriend from Jr. High and one befriended within the last 6 years got married 2 weeks apart from each other.  My brother married on January 8 of this year, and many of my girlfriends are engaged.  I used to hate the idea of being a bridesmaid, but I hate it especially now.  Being in the wheelchair is frustrating but I found that love conquers all.  Loving my brother made it easy to make the choice of being a bridesmaid and it was great.  The wedding went off without a hitch.

But an even greater honor was in the mix.  One of my best girlfriends in the universe got engaged to her boyfriend.  When she asked me to be her Maid of Honor I said no at first because of my pride, but after deep thought I couldn't wait to say Yes.  Initially, only doubts came to mind, but I cannot tell you how happy it makes me to be there for her so I agreed to do it.

These past few weddings were like fairytale endings for my girlfriends who thought that they'd never find love.  They didn't just marry, they have all married their best friends.  Isn't that like love x 10?? lol.  Having the ability to see them live their dreams makes me happy.

I wish I could go back 20 years to tell them all that their lives would be shared with someone exceptional and that their past would not interfere or put a damper on their futures.  That life would be completely different than once anticipated.  I'll pay it forward and tell those that I currently know that their lives will be better than they could have ever expected.  You might wonder how anyone could make such promises, but after being told everyday by the world and all it's inhabitants that you're not good enough, wouldn't you want someone telling you that as far fetched as it sounds that the impossible is possible, that it could happen?  That your dreams could come true?  I would.  I tell myself everyday that the future is much brighter than today and every day I am closer to that future.

So to "life", I say, "I do".

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

SONNET XVII

Pablo Neruda