Hang On, It's Just a Little Further

Call it hormones, call it emotionally unbalanced, call "it" whatever.  Whatever "it" is, has been manifesting more frequently.  The other day I experienced a wave of anxiety mixed with a hint of pissiness.  Boxes flew for about 15 seconds, than I caught a hold of myself and stopped.  I think the fact that I've been "stopping" myself from feeling a lot of things has caused me to reach a breaking point.  I've been feeling down, wondering about what life will be like.  Wondering if I'd be alone for an extended period of time.  I mean let's face it, I wasn't dating before this and being paralyzed with Type I diabetes isn't exactly a deal breaker.  I'll always be the girl with a great personality, but I'm wondering if I should keep hoping and believing that my other half exists, or if I should just accept that this is the road I've been given to travel, and that God will suffice all my needs (as He always has).  I'm like a kid who has to know right now.  Uncertainty is annoying as hell sometimes.  I want to know how to prepare myself.

And then I've been thinking.  Sometimes you need someone tangible who believes in you  more than you believe in yourself, even when you don't believe, ESPECIALLY when you choose not to believe in yourself.  I think of dying every day but never have the desire to go through with it,.  Thinking of the emotional collateral damage, ego aside, that would occur makes me even more sad so I couldn't.  On a lighter note, I also really desire to hear God tell me, "Well done my good and faithful servant", while He embraces me the way a parent comforts a child.

I'm reminded of the many things I haven't done yet, the potential that is still left to be used for a greater good.  It's a daily choice to live selflessly, without whining.  And I mean, not just putting a smile on, but actually making a choice to help someone, to make a difference somehow.  ::sigh::  Those pity parties happen quite often and are usually a party of one.  I can't stand having guests at mine.  And yet I still want someone to believe in me.  Someone to tell me to hang on.  Someone who will be by my side to walk with me to the end......even if I want to be alone.

Ironic.

Everywhere I look I see couples, lovers, spouses, significant others, bffs, going out and doing things on the whim, at their leisure.  It's that time of year when weddings happen on a weekly basis.  It's the time in one's   life where definite decisions are made whether it be about their career, their family, their dating lives, religions, priorities, etc.  I am alone and will be for awhile.  It's a fact.  I feel stalled, detoured.  What will the next 10 years bring?

All the drama aside, I am aware that having friends, a functioning brain, an insane sense of humor, and an understanding of love, life, and purpose are invaluable tools to keep me moving forward until I'm found.  I don't know how long one person can do this for, but I keep hearing those words, "Hang on"  "It's just a bit further".  Hearing these words makes me not want to miss out on the good things that are on their way and prayer is at the forefront every second of the day.  My prayers are for endurance, peace, love, obedience, and faithfulness.

That's about it right now.

Art Imitating Life

I'm a fan of great shows, where writers write without abandon.  Hard hitting shows that depict human emotion as it really happens.  Not like an "after school" special or anything exaggerated like "reality" t.v..  I'm hooked on "The Big C" right now.   The show airs on Showtime and depicts the plethora of human emotions in all it's stages, as a woman, Laura Linney, discovers and deals with a cancer diagnosis.  I've cried at least twice through each show, and not because it's sad, but because of the way I empathize with it.

When you have nothing to lose except life itself, you somehow discover a freedom, a real freedom to embrace everything good, mysterious, and exciting, while simultaneously giving negative vibes the middle finger.  You no longer tolerate b.s. and tend to live life a little fuller, talk a little more direct, and live a little harder.  I've always loved laughing, but even more so now.  I don't have the time or energy to waste on negative crap.  I cry enough as it is.  Probably a minimum of once a week.  Add the fact that I can't even drink a glass of wine (because of diabetes), which is what I used to love doing.  Facing life completely sober sucks pretty bad sometimes.

I'll be a part of several weddings in the near future, both as a participant and as an onlooker.  I'll describe the feelings about that another time, but out of all the sadness and loneliness, a realization birthed.  A feeling of gratitude that I could see all of my lovely friends and family (at least the ones I care about) celebrate great moments in their lives.  My life was spared so that I could be present.  No brain damage, and no other severe infirmities that would make life more difficult.

I spent the last week editing photos for two weddings.  I smiled through every crop, every contrast adjustment, every subject positioning.  I relived the moments as I filtered through each photo.  Each photo reminded me that the art work known as my life wasn't finished.  That there are several aspects of life that need to be edited, cropped, positioned.  I trust that God knows what he's doing.  I reflect on the last 10 to 20 years and see where edits have been made and I know I'm better for them.  Growing pains are never easy or simple, but with the right support, people, and resources, you survive.  I have something to live for, and sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me going.  The ONLY thing.  The days of adjustments aren't quite over and the sadness can be a huge burden, but I make it one day at a time.

COFFFFFEEEE...YOWZA!

So.  I'm off the wagon folks. buzzzzz

Drinking coffee is similar to being on a roller coaster.  I used to drink triple shot iced mochas in 1998 while working night & graveyard shifts and eventually cut back because of heart palpitations (self-diagnosed, lol). 

Over the course of time I became a "1-2 cups of regular black coffee a day" kind of gal .

Around 2005 they opened up a Starbucks in our hospital, INSIDE!  What the heck?  So I started with the Americano and progressed to the Red Eye, the Black Eye (often misheard as "the black guy"), and finally The Concussion -3 shots of espresso added to a Tall Coffee (as if regular Starbucks coffee wasn't already super caffeinated).




I hadn't had coffee for about 1 1/2 years.

(Date of accident) 12/2008 - 5/2010


Caffeine was just a nuisance to drink during recovery & rehab and in the end I had just detoxed from it completely.  But I tell you, in the hospital I neeeeeded it.  I was awoken every 2 hours to be turned, awoken up once for a bath around 6, and once again for early meds.  Argh!  There's no rest in a hospital.  And did I mention random wake ups at 5 a.m. to get blood drawn?  Getting stuck with a needle while half awake is not right.





Currently I start work at about 6 a.m., meaning I wake up @ around 4 a.m.  I need at least 45 min. to get dressed, into my wheelchair, and washed up.  Then it takes about an hour to get to work. (early, RIGHT?? THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!)  Slowly but surely I started drinking Cafe again.




I went from "no caffeine"
     to "decaf"
          to "half & half"
               to Starbucks Via packs EXTRA BOLD
                    lol.


I'm still too cheap to buy coffee from     premium coffee shops

I have to say that the Starbucks Via coffee packets offer a fresh ground coffee flavor and taste delicious.

Dark & Strong, yes!

Ahhhhhh...delicious and yes I had a full cup this morning...YoWzA!!!!

Can You Feel It?

 


The way I physically feel as far as "return of sensation" never seems like something that would be interesting to read or write about, but maybe it will allow me to keep track of my progress.

Response to physical touch hasn't changed much.  The left leg  responds a little when slapped, tapped, or physically stimulated, meaning that it tingles a bit.  Tingling to me feels like a mild version of that feeling you get when your foot and/or hand recover from having fallen asleep.  The tingling, burning never stop.  It happens 24/7.  

What's really interesting though is that different parts of the body above the level of injury (T-10 /  belly button level) are causing secondary feeling in areas below the level of injury.   According to one of my Occupational Therapists, this is a good sign as it indicates that what is connected on top, neurologically speaking, is connected to the bottom.

For Example:

• Touching my neck & the underside of my chin = tingling in the inner calf muscle area
• Touching the front of my left rib cage area = sensation from the left thigh.
• Touching the front of the right rib cage area = sensation in back of the right thigh.

When I Turn my torso left or right, I can feel nerves activating or pulling/stretching down the sides of my body.  

My ass hurts all the time.  It's like having a wedgie all day yet I can't physically feel externally.

It's all very odd, but nevertheless every sensation counts.

Right?