The Drive

A good friend of mine, now a licensed therapist, came to visit me in the hospital one day. She said something so important to me, something that I have to remind myself of everyday. "Don't have survivor guilt".  I hear the cliche over and over again, "It could've been worse, count your blessings".  Separating yourself from yourself is mind consuming.  I've arrived at a happy medium.  I'm thankful that I'm alive, I count my blessings daily, I pray (talk) to God everyday about EVERYTHING and tell myself that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and that everything is in perfect working order.  I accept it.  There, I said it. lol

I was on my way to Cedars Sinai today to get some papers filled out by my Dr.  While on the ride down the 405 I was thinking.  Because let's face it, being on the 405 South at 9:30 a.m. is just as good as sitting in a parking lot.  I threw on my ipod and started listening to a great salsa song and the thoughts started rolling around.  I thought, "God I have to walk again.  I can't imagine my life without dancing.".  To be given a gift (dancing) and to have it taken away was devastating.  It's where I felt at home aside from singing in church.   I haven't been able to sing like I used to but am working on that.  And remember I can sing, I don't saaaaaang, okay?  And I know there's such things as ballroom wheelchair dancing, but it's not the same.  It's just NOT.  Not to put it down, but it's like painting with a computer mouse; you can do it, but it's not the same, though it would be pretty interesting.  Like the guy who did typewriter art......

I digress. 

So I've arrived at the season of my life where I seriously accept and contemplate the idea of getting married and having little rugrats.  I never wanted either till about two years ago.  I love the idea, I love kids, in fact I'm friggin' awesome with kids and they love me, yet the idea of having my own scared the hell out of me.  You know when you get those dumb ideas like, "What if I roll over my kid while he's sleeping next to me?". lol  I guess that comes with commitment-phobia.  But I'm ready.  I actually want it, really.  I'm a little late in the dating game and I don't see my condition as a deal-breaker, but just another thing about me that someone would have to accept.  

I want to stand and dance at my own wedding.  I want Ollie or Mr. Foster to give me away to the awesome guy that's out there.  And I don't want to just have a first dance, I want to dance till 3 a.m. until my feet fall off because they're throbbing.  I'm throwing it out there to God and the universe.  I want it.  I want to walk, I want to get back in the gym, I want to walk my kids to school, I want to jump on the subway and go wherever without having to think about whether my destination is or isn't wheelchair accessible, I want to travel, and I definitely want to be an awesome testimony to God's great power and mercy.  I am waiting.

I WANT IT!

Small update

I'm starting to feel the muscles inside of my left hip, though I can't physically feel touch there yet.

carry on!

FIRSTS

Everyday is difficult and full of pain, but I can say that the known difficulties and pains are reducing....only to present different challenges. Nothing new for any of us though. Now that the really difficult part is over I'm being presented with time and organization challenges. These are old friends as they've always been my downfall. I keep track of appointments, body maintenance, paperwork galore, and now I'm reintroducing social appointments. :)


I'm experiencing "firsts" all over again. My first major accident, my first major surgery, my first wheelchair, and a cornucopia of firsts in the sense that everything I used to do needs adapting to.






But good "firsts" have come to pass as well. Including several speaking engagements at my old Jr. High school, Hillcrest Christian, and at churches. The first time at Hillcrest blessed me with the presence of girlfriends from my Jr. High. With the help of Facebook and old connections I was able to see them after twenty some odd years. I was relieved to know that they were successful and doing well and fighting the good fight like we all do, meaning that they're dealing with life along with it's challenges and victories........like we all do. There were fifth graders with a sense of wonder in seeing a tangible group of people that were once in their shoes, in their school, while eager, giddy kindergardeners were in front speaking about their favorite colors and raising their hands with the only reason being that everybody else was raising their hands. In fact, one of the young girls was the daughter of an old school mate. Wow, how time flies.

In the hospital, I met some family from my dad's side for the firs time, even though they've lived in Southern Cali for the last, well, forever.

I've also experienced first outings by myself. I now am able to see my therapists and doctors with zero to minimal assistance. Yesterday I was able to DRIVE with hand controls during my first session of driver's prep. Woo hoo dance!

Last night was the best "first" though. I went to our salsa social (Alhambra) by myself. Though it ended a little early, it was so awesome to watch the dancing and catch up with old friends. It had been a full year since I had been there. I had come full circle.


So there are many "firsts" to come and you'll be the first to know.;)

Tick tick tick

The hands of time are turning and everything that seems coincidental, is not. It's evidential. My time at home is coming to an end and life indicators have been pointing out to me that transition is coming yet again and I will be back at work in no time. This makes me happy because it means that my prayer has been answered. It was a prayer to God for endurance, peace, patience, and HOPE. I wanted to survive this crucial/cruel adjustment period. I've gone from barely wheeling around to going down the block, doing laundry, and being able to do passive hobbies at home with little assistance.

My hours (sick & vacation time) are running low which means that I'll be surviving on state disability (60% of your pay), but on a positive note my expenses are winding down. Lawyer and state expenses aside, I'm happy to say that I'm just about credit card free. I've got about $1000 or so to pay off. I've also got a ton of Christmas gifts that were never given away last year due to me being unavailable, so I've got stuff to give away already without the hassle of shopping. LOL. Don't get me wrong, I'm a girl who gets her kicks shopping, but not having to go is great.

I've also begun outpatient physical therapy, (FINALLY) So far I'm happy with the therapists I've met, as they seem competent in working with "my patient population". That sounds so weird, but as long as they're great, I'm happy.

Last night I dreamed about my office and coworkers. Each and everyone are unique in the sense that each has a different type of insanity to add to the pot. One is notorious for having a BAD attitude and temper tantrums yet has the least reason to own either one of these admirable qualities. A majority of her time is spent on the phone with siblings and spouse, doing online banking, or doing something else that's not work-related. In my dream she was really cranky, like a child who sulks in a corner to have a temper tantrum in which no remedy would suffice. Oddly enough my retired co-worker called me from the Philippines to ask me for my address. We ended up discussing family work and other details that we usually catch up on. She asked about the girls at work. I didn't know how to reply because so many changes have occurred since the restructuring of our department. New computer systems can do that to a company. Then today, my co-worker called me to say hello and check up on me. I talked to all the girls and said quick "Hellos" and "I miss yous". When I told them about my dream, they laughed and confirmed that I wasn't dreaming it, but was actually channeling my co-worker. LOL. So, hours are coming to an end, physical therapy is picking up, I'm getting stronger, and work is waiting for me....


What to do.

That's all for now.