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I'm sitting here typing, blogging, checking email, and I notice that my hands look weird. They smelt weird last night too. I have a u.t.i. right now and am taking meds and so I wondered if it was due to the meds. After worrying a bit, I realize it's the lotion I used last night. I have several tubes/bottles/jars/pots of lotion and am trying to finish off the small ones to make space. I just can't bring myself to throwing them out. It's the Flip in me. I'm not cheap, I'm frugal. lol.
So I have a travel size tube of Vaseline Intensive Care lotion. Without realizing it was the "Healthy Body Glow" line, I put it on. It has "a touch" of self tanner. The underside of my hands never looked so good. I don't know about the healthy glow though.
Have you ever tanned a nice shade of.....orange?
Service started with a song that was perfect.
So I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
I'll stand my soul
Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours
I have that feeling, the feeling of "I will stand up", and "I will kneel down". Even if it's in my mind. That's the first step, the mental aspect. It builds on the foundation of my belief and suffices the patience that is still growing. All that has happened is the wind that blows me around in order to strengthen my roots.
Home?? Home?... Home... It's the first time in a long time that I felt at home. In church, singing with a huge smile on my face, praises of worship to God. Even my body felt alive, different, not mine. I know something happened and I was glad that I made the first step to come" home".
I'll explain.
After being in my childhood home for over a year without really being at church has given me time to try out the ride without the training wheels. I was ready to have my life and faith sharpened and knew it was really time to go back. A new environment with people I didn't know used to scare me, now I actually prefer it. Fresh starts are nice sometimes, not like bankruptcy fresh starts lol. That's what they use to call a Chapter 7 Bankruptcy back in the day, the "fresh start" bankruptcy. I should know.
Timing is everything, and God's timing is amazing....over and over again.
My next door neighbor, whom I babysat millions of years, ok like 15 years, ago, invited me to a church that I'd been wanting to go to for the last year. I was homesick for church and this one was similar to what Hermon Church felt like. My family which knows how important church is to me kind of broke my heart. Being in a home where everyone goes to (Catholic) church saddens me because I've never been invited or even offered to be brought to church with them. I'm unsure if they thought I was opposed to it or not, but any church at this point would lift me up. I was starving.
Instead of waiting to be fed, I started looking for eating utensils. After conversing with my neighbor about the evening service one week prior, I realized it was a service geared towards young adults, just like Fusion over at Christian Assembly. God knew I was hungry and set it up. The right place (not too far from home), the right person (someone I admire and trust), the right situation (the place I had been wanting to go to without worrying about who was with me). She asked and I said yes without purposeful hesitation.
Last Sunday I had spent all day with mom. The Encino Farmers Market was delicious. I pleasantly found the old pupusa maker from the Eagle Rock Farmer's Market and needless to say, I ordered 2 for us to eat. We headed to the mall in order to lollygag while waiting for a movie to start. (The theatre was located at the mall). The movie happened to be in a theatre which only had wheelchair seating at the front and that wasn't going to happen. Vertigo and a migraine are costs too high to pay for a movie. Lastly, we stopped at the market. I was poooooped by the time I got home, not to mention sweaty and disgusting thanks to the San Fernando Valley heat which just seems to come from all directions, even the asphalt. Ugh.
I had every (acceptable) reason in my pocket to get out of going to church. (side thought: Why do we always try to get out of church? What thoughts make church that bad that we're trying to escape it? Are we afraid, annoyed at the thought of having to answer or explain to someone why we haven't been at church, why we've been sinning all week or why we're late, or whatever? God knows already right? He loves us regardless, right? We're not perfect, and is it so bad that somebody wants better for us? Just a thought.) I had that feeling of buyer's remorse, in the sense that I said "yes" too quickly, and now was rethinking my decision. I didn't factor in fatigue when I said yes to my neighbor. I had every good reason but the correct one. Was I hungry or not? I was. I freshened up and called my neighbor. Their new phone carrier was a bit annoying, echoes and all.....I had one more chance to get out of our date....but I wanted my date with God. Matthew 11:28 Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.
That night the pastor commented on those who follow the Lord. Jesus doesn't want fans, he wants followers and there was a visualization given of someone following so close as to have the dust of Jesus' sandals covering them. Am I so far that I don't even see the Lord in the distance. Reading my Bible is not a priority, I'm not going to lie, but I know it's key. More excuses come to mind. Nevertheless, I know it's something I need to do.
Home.
(go Meat! I don't know why that popped into my head.)
After several hundreds of dollars paid to a vet, that I didn't trust, to have P.K. analyzed, I decided that as painful as it feels to be compassionate, that I would choose to let P.K. go. During last month's trip to the vet, he was diagnosed with FIV (HIV for kitties.) He had severe signs of anemia and dehydration, and yet had a bloated stomach. The vet had hydrated him with I.V. fluid and had removed 500 ml of fluid from his stomach and chest. All the fluid came back and he was bloated as bad as when we first took him in. He's had labored breathing for several days but has never winced or meowed in pain.
This morning, we were running late so mom took P.K. to the vet herself. I kind of knew it would be the last time that I would say "bye Kitty". As expected the new vet confirmed that his health was compromised due to the virus and that he was having a hard time fighting stuff off. Even his strength was wasting away, I mean just the other day he tried to jump onto a foot ottoman, about 18 inches high, and he fell off and landed into his food. I decided that it was no way to live. So today at 10:30 a.m., they put him to sleep.
I think it was hard for my mom. Because she didn't want to leave him alone to die, she stayed in the room as they euthanized him. Like a true champ, he didn't fight or cry. Soon after they administered the drug, his heart stopped. Mom stayed with him by herself for about 30 minutes wishing him off to a better place. She tried to close his eyes but they wouldn't close so she wrapped him in his little yellow towel and said goodbye. As odd as it sounds, she took pictures of him for me. His eyes were at peace and I was happy that he wasn't suffering anymore.
Thanks for being with me for 12 years Kitty. You saved me from many fits of insanity while being on my own for the first time. Oh yeah, and thanks for all of the fun fights we had on the blue couch. God rest your soul. Your mom loves you.
