Resolutions?

I do not make resolutions.  If you're going to change something, do it now.  I've been getting out a little bit more and each time I had gone out I had mixed feelings.  

I'm frustrated that I don't drive but it's just too expensive.  It would be a dream to get my Impala suped up and modified with hand controls.  Not being able to drive severely limits my spontaneity.  Access Services is great but is also limited when it comes to distance and scheduling.  I am such a social butterfly and love impromptu meetings but for now that only happens when I can catch a bus or schedule a ride ahead of time on Access.

I can transfer in and out of a car when I'm in my manual chair but for now I'm covered in attachments.  I still have a wound vac  connected to my right thigh and a PICC I.V. line in my left arm.  Pushing the manual chair is painful because the I.V. site rubs against the back of the chair each time I push.  The wound under my leg and my catheter (which can act up) both leak when least expected.  I use seat liners when I travel and it's embarrassing, but necessary.  

I was invited to a Christmas party by a friend (who ended up not coming due to being sick) and decided to stay to hear some music.  I knew the music would be good but was pleasantly surprised to know that some of the best of the best musicians were playing salsa music that night.  I saw a few old friends and watched the crowd, which was strewn with old school salseros, dance the night away.  I watched longingly with a burning desire for that to be my future, 80 years old and dancing salsa, HOT salsa!  The best I could do was dance from the waist up in my chair.  I felt kind of lame, oh wait, I guess it's cause I kind of am, lol.  Wah wah wah waaaaaaaahhhhh.

A few Sundays after that I paid a surprise visit to one of my dearest friends and first dance instructors.  I wanted to bring her a belated house warming gift (which was waaaay late) as well as a Christmas gift.  I stayed to watch the salsa class that was in progress, and again, I longed to dance.  

I cried a few nights ago while Mom was helping me and for the first time I asked out loud, "How long will I be like this?".  Mom reassured me that it was temporary.  I couldn't help it.  The next few questions that came out of my mouth were, "when", "when", "when".  I drifted off to sleep and woke up feeling calm.  On Sunday one of the worship songs we sang answered my questions.  These are the lyrics:

hungry I come to You for I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry  
so I wait for You so I wait for You  
I'm falling on my knees offering all of me  
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for
broken I run to You for Your arms are open wide 
I am weary but I know Your touch restores my life  
so I'll wait for You so I'll wait for You
I'm falling on my knees offering all of me  
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for 
Oh, I'm falling on my knees offering all of me  
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for 

I remembered that I was waiting on His timing and that I wouldn't be alone in the meantime.  My heart was quieted and reassured.  I was given new resolve for the new year.

Going to the gym has become priority and I was surprised and grateful when my therapist sat me down to talk about a game plan for the weeks to come.  We assembled a fitness plan that would complement both my personal work out days and my therapy days.  It seems that 2013 will be my strongest year ever.

It goes without saying that I am the sum of the amazing people that support and love me and I am grateful. 

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back....Again.

All Christmas Eve, I mourned the loss of my body, I was sullen and pretended to act like nothing was wrong.  I was inconsolable, not a wreck, but I just wanted to be alone.  I didn't want anyone to cheer me up to remind me of how far I've come, and how much I've done.  I am doing more than I ever thought, but it's my time to mourn.  I don't even celebrate my 2nd birthday.  :/

When Christmas day rolled around I perked right up and remembered that I was alive and thriving!  I knew I would, and only wanted to be allowed to have my moment alone.  In the past year, I've seen weddings galore and now I'm seeing a gaggle of babies make their way into this world.  I'm constantly forced to be happy.  I really am, but there's always this little voice that whispers that some of these wonderful life events would not be for me.  I believe in love stories, happy endings and know that the road I travel will have an amazing end, but every now and again, I'm just a girl that dreams of a princess life. 

What am I willing to do to rectify the things that, to me, appear to be hindering my progression?  Am I being diligent to the willingness to change?  I can be apathetic but pray desparately to not be.  I pray that the amazing people that surround me will show me that I can have what they have if I don't give up.  Truth be told, my weight is an extreme hindrance to my life.  Transferring, bodily functions, self-esteem, and many other obstacles would be much easier or made obsolete should I shed this weight.  I'm setting small goals and will try to attempt those.....again.  

In other news.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!  I've been in the mood to let stuff like that out.  I'm frustrated and am actively seeking a sound mine.  I breathe, I write, I'm sleeping more, I'm back to working out.....then what?

I left the hospital on IV antibiotics, a 6 week course, with a sidekick of Levaquin tablets, an oral antibiotic taken for 32 days straight.  Can you say "wreaking havoc on the system"?  After blood tests I realized that the wound on the lower side of my hip (a Stage 3 pressure sore - not deep enough to reach bone, but pretty darn close) was resistant to the oral antibiotic.  I was given a new one that tasted like acid in the mouth,
Metronidazole.  

Once that was done I almost skipped for joy only to have my Infectious Disease doctor call me and dash my hopes of a PICC line-free arm.  My C-reactive protein, which is a protein found in the blood, was elevated, indicating that there was inflammation.  Increased numbers in conjunction with elevated white blood cell counts happen to be indicative of something bad, more infection.

An MRI on Monday confirmed that I had e-coli in my right pelvis.  It had spread to the left pelvic area. 

The good news:  The bacteria was isolated, located, and is easily treated.

The not so good news:  I have to have IV antibiotics for an additional 6 weeks which will continue to wreak havoc on my body.  (I've got pro-biotics on hand to help the gut do it's thing.)

This is the only way to treat bone infection.  The deadline to be free of antibiotics continues to distance itself.  Until then I just take it one day at a time.  I make time to laugh, breathe, write, and most importantly, PRAY.

 

Medically Necessary

I’m feeling down, unnecessary, hence the new post.  This is therapy.  Regurgitating my feelings on “paper” helps me sort myself out.  The holidays arrive like a gust of wind and remind me that my 4-year anniversary is around the corner.  The most special holiday, Christmas, is a token of my greatest joy and my greatest sadness.  (though, the sadness has served as many positive things)

 

Recovery from Spinal Cord Injury has become a daily way of life, kind of ho-hum.  Mood swings make things either bearable or excruciatingly difficult to deal with.  It’s not always possible to muster the mental strength to get up and do stuff, but that fiercely independent girl rips the covers off in the morning and forces me out of bed.  I’ve learned to fake a feeling and act it out until I’ve achieved the end goal.  For instance, I’m not a gym rat or physical exercise enthusiast, but I’ll do it and feel better afterwards.  Positive results encourage positive behavior and co-behavior, such as healthier eating and taking time to meditate/breathe.

Physical pain has increased to the point where I’ve requested a prescription for medication, me, a girl that doesn’t even take Tylenol .   I was recently hospitalized for 10 days for semi-elective surgery (while missing out on Halloween :( ).  I wore the wrong shoes about a year ago which caused pressure points, which resulted in pressure sores that bruised, blistered, and eventually opened up.  After almost a year of wound care my doctor suggested a radical procedure that would shave down the heel bone (calcaneus bone) by about 10% so that he could sew the skin closed and prevent similar recurring events.   

While in surgery it was discovered that I had indeed acquired a bone infection bilaterally and ended up on some of the strongest I.V. antibiotics.  It was also necessary to shave the bone even further due to infection, about 40-50%.   

I have to add a side note.  I have a really nice doctor.  In anticipation of my boredom while being hospitalized he brought me magazines, cough drops, and a Sudoku book.

(Pause for an idiosyncratic moment.  I just looked at my computer clock and notice it was 4:18.  That’s the date of my birth and I always feel better when I see that number pop up somewhere.  It makes me feel like I’m important and have things to accomplish.  Maybe it’s just residual OCD, lol, but I always feel better.)

I’m now on leave for a total of 8 weeks.  A PICC line was inserted into my arm to accommodate I.V. antibiotics and blood draws that have been ordered until December.  My primary physician also put me on 2 other medications, one to lower cholesterol, as he wants my numbers medically low, and one for blood pressure which is actually being used to prevent diabetic scarring on my kidneys.  Including the insulin and other medications I’m already on, this has proven to be very hard on my body.   Sometimes I can’t tell whether I’m coming or going and can’t wait to be rid of this regimen though I will always be thankful for technology and science as they ease my routine.  

I concurrently have a pressure sore under my right leg, where the ischium tuberosity is located (read: where the thigh meets the butt cheek), also due to an improper shoe that displaced pressure on my body.  I was sent home with a wound vac.  It’s a cool little device that absorbs/suctions out seepage and blood while simultaneously drawing the tissue closer together.  This all works cohesively to speed up healing.  I’m like a cyborg with all kinds of things attached to me and need to monitor myself at all times so I don’t accidentally pull out a line, cord.  Bah!

Today, I had a random moment in which I cried for a good 10 minutes.  Pity parties have been reduced to 10 minute periods and are less frequent.  As a matter of fact I have less pity on people having prolonged pity parties.  Instead of feeding into their woes, I have begun agreeing that things suck, then offer suggestions to get them back from the dark side. :)

So that’s where I’m at right now, just learning how to get stronger, learning that I need to answer the voice inside telling me to use it more, and learning how to further heal spiritually, mentally, and physically.

A quick med tip on wound care.  

If you’re on I.V. Vancomycin (hopefully, not), for prolonged periods of time, it’s normal to experience lower back pain.  Drink more water.

If you’re healing a wound of any type, take:

• Zinc Sulfate (hospital dose is 220 mg) once a day
• Ester C twice a day (Ester C is less acidic than regular vitamin C supplements)
• And be sure to ingest about 80 gm of protein.

A wound takes 90 days to heal from start to finish, so be patient.

Any other comments, remedies, or suggestions are welcome.  Leave them in the comments.

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Change...

True, change is a process, a journey, but why is it so emotional?  Dumb question.  I've recently made several life choices that have filled in the wedges of my foundation, they've stabilized me.  I've arrived to a place where change is the only option left.

I'm slowly losing weight, have slowed down on fast food, opting for better options and have purchased the Nutribullet (which I LOVE) and have been juicing/extracting more with fruits and veggies.  My workouts have increased to a minimum of 4 days a week, 2 of which are with an amazing therapist.

I still have vices, I haven't given up smoking, but I rarely drink, maybe once a month??? I dunno.  The power of positivity is swelling up in me and I can see the great things that lie ahead of me.  I choose to let God do what He will do by not focusing on what hasn't come to pass yet. ( Thanks FB random update post from someone I don't know, lol )  Timing is everything, right?

So I have mixed emotions, fear of the unknown, excitement, sadness that I feel like I alone make this choice knowing I will be the recipient of all consequences and blessings (said the commitment-phobe).  Can I handle the future?  Of course I can.  Will I need help, support, love, critique?  Of course I will.  But what a lucky girl am I that I'm surrounded by amazing people and a wealth of resources.

I deal with an increasing amount of loneliness and choose not to share verbally with people.  It comes and goes but it does have some tremendous moments.  I'm loneliest in a group of people but specifically when around someone that I have deep feelings for.  Life has taught me to not rush things, to not screw up a good thing so I enjoy the life and relationships I have without rocking the boat.  

I revert to prayer, exercise, and a good diet to keep myself in stasis, to keep momentum going, and to keep focus on all the change that will inevitably come.