My Mum 2012

 It's Mother's Day Sunday.  I always miss my mom in the mornings as she dashes off to church for 7:00 a.m. mass and then to work at 9:30 a.m.  I spend Sunday mornings catching up on sleep lost during the week.  


My bladder has been trained to be emptied every 3-4 hours.  If I oversleep it could be a little messy and sure enough I overslept without emptying my bladder ( I manually empty my bladder through an indwelling foley catheter that's never removed - not fun ).  Even with the medicine I take( which prevents the bladder from having spasms) I woke up in a mini puddle of urine.  sigh....and Sundays when I wake up, I'm alone.  

Getting cleaned up and dressed is more difficult, if not tricky.  Today I managed to get cleaned up and out of bed in 45 minutes.  I hadn't planned anything tonight because mom's pretty tired when she gets home and I don't need a day to celebrate Mother's Day because she's a mom everyday. RIGHT?  Anywhoooo I decided to get her flowers and some chocolates that she fancies.

The process of getting out is ridiculous because so much time is wasted dropping things, picking them up, finding my bag, phone, the garage opener ( my entry point ) and making sure that I look presentable when I get out.

As I'm about to leave, I make sure to use the bathroom (read as emptying my bladder) and thanks to Murphy's Law the plug in the end of the catheter pops out before I'm ready and a bit of urine leaks out.  At this point I refused to spend another 45 minutes getting in and out of bed to change so I grab some towels, spot clean and head out with a wet spot on my right thigh.  I figure the valley heat and wind should dry me off in no time.  Sorry if that's a little gross, but after doing it so many times, I absolutely refused!


After checking out the last-minute Mother's Day flower selections, I managed to grab the last 2 pretty bunches of orchids, a simple tall square glass vase from the Goodwill next door and assembled everything into something presentable.   A little creativity, a Goodwill find, and chocolates make for a nice little "Welcome Home" / "Happy Mother's Day!" gift when you get home.  She'll be home in 1 hour and can't wait to give it to her.  She loves me unconditionally even though I'm a handful, lets me rant and cry during the hard days and celebrates my victories with me.  She is present and she is love.  She's my mom and I hope that if God ever grants me the title of "Mom" that I will be just as amazing.  I love you mom!

The Show Must Go On

Today I'm running on 2 hours of sleep.  The burden of filing taxes has been lifted and I've begun selling on eBay again at a slower pace.  I now do it as a hobby and not as a means to support myself (as much) or to offset costs for medical supplies.  I've become a gym rat again and LOVE IT!  The multitude of support from everyone and my current medical needs have ushered me into a more productive, fitter life.  

Struggles still exist, whether they be with love, self image, healthier lifestyle choices, or making better emotional choices for myself.  I've managed to catch up with a lot of old friends as well as participate in the lives of current friends that are also moving forward.  Wedding mania last year has turned into baby mania this year, lol.  It's a testament to the age I've arrived at.  The 30-somethings are doing what the 20-somethings did decades ago.

Over the last 3 years of accommodating and adjusting to doing everything in a wheelchair, I've continued to evolve and triumph over my SCI (Spinal Cord Injury).  Being more active with non-profit organizations and other exciting projects have brought me to stasis, to a point in my life where I feel like I can ask the question again, "What's next?".

I feel like I've almost conquered the 5 stages of accepting change, similar to the steps of accepting death/loss.   Similar stages have been referred to as the Kübler-Ross model, The Five Stages of Dying, The Five Stages of Grief, The Five Stages of Loss, The Five Stages of Coping with Dying, The Five Stages of Coping with Grief or The Five Stages of Coping with Loss.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

At times I feel that I've come to acceptance, but then I feel like I revert to the prior 4 steps at random moments.  Depression brings about feelings of suicide, giving up, letting go...and all have frequented my mind aggressively.  At some point I made a deal with my mom that I wouldn't kill myself until she died because she didn't deserve to suffer (almost) losing a child twice.  We even agreed to shop for burial options together.

Going back to exercise, I find that exercise (as promised by my therapist) chemically alleviates many if not all of these feelings and I zoom back to stage 5, Acceptance.  No meds needed (as if I didn't have enough to think about).

While reading previous posts, I see how far I've come and as always God shows up on time.  Yesterday I decided to read the Charles Spurgeon devotional that landed in my Yahoo Inbox and you guessed it, it had to do with suicide.  http://www.heartlight.org/spurgeon/0502-am.html

For those who are religious, suicide is taboo, frowned upon but no one ever bothers to explain why.  The reading talks about these exact moments in which we want to give up and (for Christians) go home to be with the Lord in order to alleviate current suffering.  Do we really want to be with the Lord and experience rest or do we simply want to run from the trials and (customary) tribulations?  Pain and suffering are temporary, wouldn't you agree?  When I see someone's face light up when given great news or watch someone rejoice when life is favorable, I empathize and rejoice with them!  I live for these moments and wouldn't miss them for the world.  A great example is when two of my closest girlfriends found out that they were having their 1st babies 2 months apart, I couldn't have been happier and jumped on the bandwagon when it came to planning their baby showers.

"...Now it is quite right to desire to depart if we can do it in the same spirit that Paul did, because to be with Christ is far better, but the wish to escape from trouble is a selfish one. Rather let your care and wish be to glorify God by your life here as long as he pleases, even though it be in the midst of toil, and conflict, and suffering, and leave him to say when "it is enough."...

"I pray not that thou shouldst take them out of the world."

John 17:15

This summed it up for me.  I know not everyone feels the same way, but I can agree that it is a little selfish to wish to leave this earth. I will continue to struggle, fall, and get up to fight the good fight until the Lord calls me home and while traveling down the road of life will learn to enjoy the journey in a fuller capacity.

Dick Clark died on my birthday and was laid to rest today.  He was a client of my therapist's for many years and inspired many as he continued to work after his stroke in 2004.  He told USA TODAY in an e-mail interview in December, "I'm encouraged by the many people who tell me I'm an inspiration to them." He added that he tried to keep a positive attitude "and attack every day with the thought things are going to get better."

In the undying words of the legacy known as Dick Clark, may he rest in peace,

"The Show Must Go On"

 http://life.time.com/culture/dick-clark-an-american-life/#2

and now???

There's so much to write about and I've been busy with constant life adaptations, work, eBay, doing (semi) business taxes for the first time, working out, getting involved with more non-profit work, and getting back to the night life, though not like I used to.

I have a few blogs started but wondered if there was something you wanted to know specifically.  No holds barred and anything goes.  Only close friends & family on here, so if there's anything you'd like to know, comment on this post. :)  xoxo

Be Still and Know That I Am God, a True Thanksgiving Message.

Psalm 46:10

Upon first hearing this verse, I felt a feeling of relief, confidence, I felt that I could finally take one long deep breath without flinching.

Today, Sunday, my ride arrived late and decided to take the longest scenic route ever because his GPS was smarter than human logic.  Sunday morning =  no traffic on the freeways, yet the GPS insisted that there was less traffic if we traveled by side street.  :/  Prior to leaving I find out that my brother, Kat, and his friends were going to dim sum this morning.  They rarely wake up early on a weekend.  I should've known.  I was upset only because I thought that it was something I'd be invited to attend once they went out again because he knows I love dim sum.  I couldn't accept the last invite because I was hospitalized for my toe.  My brother hasn't invited me to go anywhere, but he's been going out a little more, to eat, go to movies, etc etc.  blah blah blah...soooo bottom line is that I had a bad morning and was getting crankier as it went on.

I heard the verse pop up in the back of my mind.  "Be still and know that I am God.".  Realistically I didn't want to be still, I wanted to growl, punch, kick (if I could), jump, and scream to release the frustration and anger.  But I couldn't.  I begged for God to calm  me and let me make it to church.  I knew I would be o.k. if I made it to church.  I did....and I was fine.  Then God answered me.

Today's sermon was about how we carry ourselves in times of frustration, anxiousness, fear, sadness, grief, anger, and whatever else you might be experiencing that hinders you from the joy and peace that God promises.  If we waste time worrying, then we lose that much more time that could be spent praying.  If we worry about the things that we can't control, then inadvertently we should release these and pray that God would take control.  Not of just the situation but of our minds.  He won't make the troubles disappear but can provide peace while we whether the storms that we're sailing through.

Having a relationship with God is not normal, usual, regimented.  This is the separation that the world knows as a result of the first sin.  Whether you believe that or not is entirely up to you, but it's a part of my faith which is very real.  Separation is real....back to the topic.  In order to have a relationship with God, a conscientious choice must be made to seek Him, converse with Him, accept Him, trust Him, and ultimately, return the love that He already has for us.  

When you find and focus on the things that are right about a situation, like say an annoying co-worker or a busy schedule,  and release the unknown to the Almighty, then you can find a way to shift worry to prayer.  You can be still and know that He is God and know that He is with you.  Meditate on these things.

Today ended with good advice.  I found a book while shopping which summed up the "forgiveness cycle" like this:

A. Recall the hurt
B. Empathize and try to understand the act from the perpetrator's perspective
C. Be altruistic by recalling a time you were forgiven
D. Put your forgiveness into words - in a letter to be sent or NEVER sent
E. Don't dwell

  ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice....

And the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:1-9

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 ⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. 

In all things give thanks.  I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. :)