We Know Drama

My menstrual cycle was pretty nuts as a kid which was the cause of me taking birth control pills at around 13 years old.  The cycle was either on for 3 consecutive months or off for 6 months.  I later learned that high body fat content is read as excess estrogen and therefore the body thinks that you're pregnant and causes the menstruation to cease....something like that.  Anyways as a young kid that's already image conscious, being told that you've got too much fat on the body just puts the icing on the cake, don't you think...ugh.

So years later, I've gone through all kinds of hormone replacement therapy that caused me to be a little nuttier than my usual self, which ultimately meant that I quit all hormone replacement drugs, and decided to just try and lose the weight.  Well I never really did normalize and after the accident the cycle became more of a mystery.  One thing for sure is that PMS (which I NEVER had as a kid) is in full swing.....monthly.....without fail.

Even before my sister-in-law was officially my sister-in-law she pretty much lived at our house.  As soon as I moved back home, I noticed that she was the lead pheromone around the house.  If and when I was cycling, it was around her time.  When she becomes a little irritated or bitchy, I KNOW what's going on and I KNOW that I need to batten down the hatches.

Yesterday was a perfect example.  She had made a comment a few days ago which sent the red flag up but for some reason I was still caught off guard.  I was trying to sleep in/catch up on sleep on my day off and had to deal with the fact that my brother and his wife were up unusually early for once.  They were going to have dim sum with his Aikido friends out in Monterrey Park somewhere ( I think ).  

Anywhooo

They woke me up early, their friends that met up with them at our house were there talking loudly and annoying the crap out of me, and I realize they were going to have dim sum WITHOUT me.  Memories of my brother talking about including me in a dim sum adventure were quickly being recalled and I got even more furious that he was 1: going without me and 2: spending money that he doesn't really have yet while not giving mom anything for the house.  He has been more helpful and is doing more around the house but I think ( my own personal opinion ) that he needs to contribute, even a little, towards the house expenses now that he's started working. 

I finally get up and my mom has decided to half dress my foot ( to be explained in another post ) so the gauze is just falling off my foot which totally defeats the purpose.  I'm so annoyed that I called my mom, asked her to either dress the whole foot or don't do it at all, and hung up on her resulting in me throwing the house phone and causing it to just explode apart.  argh.  I hate getting that upset because it's just wasted energy.  I told myself that it doesn't matter if your brother invites you or not.  It's a personal choice and I'm sure not personal towards me.  I was just having a moment, a grand ol', bitchy, wtf, pointless, PMS moment.

You could've labeled me TNT...."We Know Drama". ugh.  Forgive me for I know not what I do.  sigh.

You can thank my sister-in-law. 

Skin.

To quote a therapist when discussing relationships post paralysis, she reminds us that our skin is the largest organ of the body.  When rediscovering ourselves in a relationship (especially those who already have partners), there has to be a willingness to try new things.  Not weird, or kinky, but a willingness to rewire our thoughts and approaches.  What is love?  What is sex?  Where do the 2 meet after paralysis?  The able bodied "other half" now has to dig deep about their feelings for the one they "love", and the one who is disabled is now wondering about emotional stability.  I've seen it quite too often where marriages have dissipated because one was not strong enough and on the flip side, I've seen couples who have both desired to make it work grow stronger than ever.  They live everyday one day at a time, as we all should, and find out in the end that it's just another challenge to face as a couple.  When love is real, it's real. When love is present with ulterior motives, self serving purposes, it doesn't take long for it to end.

I myself am not dating but have been absent touch for a long time now.  It's been awhile since I've felt someone touch me,  This includes everything from hugging to spooning.  I miss the way my skin feels next to someone else's body, and yes, even the feeling of someone's cold feet as they startle you.  It's been several years and I've lost count.   The simple touches I receive are immensely joyous, especially from my physical trainer as it's a very up close and personal session, lol.  He constantly touches my body to identify muscle groups and to correct my technique.  Kinky, eh? lol, just kidding...kind of. LOL.  Today he had me touch his stomach to prove a point about opposing muscle groups and it was almost too much for me. hee hee hee.  It may seem wrong, but it's kind of funny to me.  Nothing would ever come of our friendship and I would never ruin our relationship as therapist and patient but our sessions remind me of the days when someone would touch me without fear of hurting me or just plain fear.

I have grown some thick skin.  I'm 2 1/2 years post injury and am immune to a lot of things now but have alternately softened up in a lot of areas.  The patience I've acquired has helped me in many aspects and along the journey, I've seen how it is the key to life healing whether it's patience in rehabilitation or patience with people.  Situations are temporary and life is a mindset.  I'm not afraid of loneliness anymore as I'm constantly surrounded by those who love me and wish me well.

I'm continually grateful for these loved ones.  They've given me new skin.

I thought this was a funny picture....

Music is always blaring over my speakers or through my iPod (my saving grace).

This song happened to play at the right time.

Get THROUGH it, get OVER it, Get ON with it!

The future is beginning to demystify itself.  Now that I'm achieving small milestones, the big milestone are presenting themselves.

You have to get THROUGH whatever it is that is present.  You have to get OVER it. Learn the lesson, make the adjustments, savor the reason, and then you have to get ON with it.  Don't live in the past, don't live with regrets, live for today and for a better tomorrow.  Your time is short and your moments of greatness are awaiting you so that you may leave a legacy behind for all to learn from so that they can go through this cycle quicker.

I had the opportunity to talk to a friend's younger sister (basically my baby sister) and had a chance to impart wisdom regarding growing up.  She has made a few bad choices, emotionally charged ones, as we all have and has found a stone to step on.  A career reached out to her and passion ignited.  She's taken the next step to full fledged adulthood.  With a 2 year old in tow and nothing to her name but baggage, a vulnerability made itself available and she saw some light at the end of her tunnel.

For the first time since my injury, I've had a chance to really (REALLY) share about what it takes to move on with life. But more so, how to approach it.  Determination, organization, and a goal make the journey more interesting.  You now have some say in your journey,  We need to learn how to be assertive and not aggressive.  Forgive yourself, forgive others, and tomorrow will be better, I promise.

God is eternally good.  Thank you Lord.

Our Deepest Fear

by Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Running

I haven't been here for awhile.  Another crossroads.

Once upon a time I was forced to attend AA meetings.  Whether or not I am an alcoholic is irrelevant, it was court ordered.  I have personality traits that fit the mold.  I'm the "disappearing" alcoholic.  I'll be partying with you one minute and gone the next. It could be a harmless bathroom run, a secret cigarette break, or a a quick getaway to grab another drink while the line is promisingly short.  I don't drink everyday or have a need to, but I do like an impromptu cocktail.  A turn off to some. :/

As of late, I have a lot of exciting things coming up that keep me going.  U's wedding, first and foremost.  Me and M are having a blast organizing the bridal shower and bachelorette party.  U is one of our best friends. :)

On the flip side, some irritating situations have just grown overwhelming, mostly at home.  Today I had a feeling, once felt only during my High School years....the feeling right before I was kicked out of my house.  That feeling of wanting to tear out of your own skin, wanting to run, leave because you feel trapped, unappreciated, unloved, like a piece of shit.   I like to avoid problems, pretend they don't exist, distract myself so I live to fight another day.  I'm a "runner".  I have a huge desire to "Flight" rather than "Fight" yet somehow in the end I make the right decisions.   I don't want to complicate things at home.  And it's not just running away from something, but more like removing yourself from it.  I feel like I've become a huge burden for my family.  I don't know if my brother's just having a "moment" because Lord knows he's going through his own share of stuff, but I feel like I'm just furniture downstairs.  I feel so unwelcome, like "something" he is forced to deal with, his dramatic lot in life.  I get a head nod as a "hello" while he babies his wife and takes her out because she's stressed out and complaining about home work, school, not being able to have a baby yet...etc etc etc.  Do I need to complain for someone to say hello and spend time with me in my own home?  PLEASE don't misunderstand, my mother is a saint and I promise to canonize her in the future.  We've spent a lot of time together and have become very good friends.  But my brother, which I claim as my only son (we're born 7 years apart),  I love dearly.  I just wish he'd not be an asshole sometimes.  We get along, I just don't agree with the way he talks to my mom sometimes.  SOMETIMES!

Bringing me back to that feeling of wanting to remove myself from the situation.  They got along fine before I came home and now it's a compounded situation.  I want to live alone again.  I want to save my money and leave it all behind.  If I can't check out from this life, I'd like to at least have a peaceful one with people that actually like being around me. ergh.

Actually you know what I want?  I want a room of my own, quiet, peace, a decent night's sleep