I......just.miss.my.body.....

My fingers are at a stand still.  Do I put it on "paper"?  Is it an idea worth manifesting?  Is it just a passing emotion that will be reconciled, alleviated by tomorrow morning.  Why do we feel these feelings?  How do we control them?  These are the days which make the "good" ones great.

I'm afraid of the idea of change again.  The thought of school irritates me, but I need to acquire some new skills in order to change the future.  Looking for school again and the idea of homework isn't so grand of an idea in my mind.   Some have called me an underachiever, I just think I need to find out what I'm good at and get going!  The security and benefits I possess at work make it hard to even think of something new.  Am I stuck?

Days like this make me miss my old self, my old body.  It sounds selfish, especially in a time when Japan has suffered a 9.0 magnitude earthquake, is bordering on nuclear meltdown, and is now threatened by a possible snow storm.  People in Haiti have suffered for over a year now, New Zealand, Chile, and other countless places have suffered natural disasters in the last few months and we could be next.  According to the news and scientists, we're due a good one.  sigh.  This whole feeling is very apocalyptic.  Am I ready?  My friend who vlogs (video blogs) had interviewed a handful of people at our support group and 1 out of 10 were actually prepared with meds, medical supplies, and written instruction for self care in case of actual emergency.  I'm like 1/2 prepared. :/

On days when I'm overwhelmed and beyond tired and frustrated I let it out to mom when she helps me at night.  I let her know that I don't like the idea of loneliness, an unending future of catheters, bladder leaks, physical limitations and frustrations and wish (to her only) that I could go.  I'm not afraid of death, but am too chicken to check out early.  She reciprocates the feeling due to her constant back pain, arthritis, etc.  She made a weird statement the other day and oddly enough it didn't bother me. 

She said, "Maybe one day it would be nice if we just laid down together side by side and went together.".  I actually thought that despite the macabre interpretation of the sentiment, that it would be nice too.  Me and mom have become best friends and I would love to just hang out with her in heaven hand in hand to enjoy a presence free of pain and hurt.  I'm crying as I write this because it hurts me that she would want to go too.  I don't know why.  I love her so much and live for her.

I pray continually for peace and strength that only God will provide.

I do...

The New Year has been full of many things.  I continue to fight on, rehabilitate, choose life, and laugh a lot just to get through the rough spots because honestly it's a bigger, more deliberate, choice to "go on".  God seems to know how to keep me busy or better yet, occupied, distracted.  Amidst the daily distractions of bills, physical therapy, ridiculous Access Paratransit rides, support groups, and so on, I find that once again, I'm caught in a wave of weddings.  I survived the first wave of weddings about 6 years ago.  Being a brides maid in 2 weddings in one year as well as attending a few others around the country.  

A girlfriend from Jr. High and one befriended within the last 6 years got married 2 weeks apart from each other.  My brother married on January 8 of this year, and many of my girlfriends are engaged.  I used to hate the idea of being a bridesmaid, but I hate it especially now.  Being in the wheelchair is frustrating but I found that love conquers all.  Loving my brother made it easy to make the choice of being a bridesmaid and it was great.  The wedding went off without a hitch.

But an even greater honor was in the mix.  One of my best girlfriends in the universe got engaged to her boyfriend.  When she asked me to be her Maid of Honor I said no at first because of my pride, but after deep thought I couldn't wait to say Yes.  Initially, only doubts came to mind, but I cannot tell you how happy it makes me to be there for her so I agreed to do it.

These past few weddings were like fairytale endings for my girlfriends who thought that they'd never find love.  They didn't just marry, they have all married their best friends.  Isn't that like love x 10?? lol.  Having the ability to see them live their dreams makes me happy.

I wish I could go back 20 years to tell them all that their lives would be shared with someone exceptional and that their past would not interfere or put a damper on their futures.  That life would be completely different than once anticipated.  I'll pay it forward and tell those that I currently know that their lives will be better than they could have ever expected.  You might wonder how anyone could make such promises, but after being told everyday by the world and all it's inhabitants that you're not good enough, wouldn't you want someone telling you that as far fetched as it sounds that the impossible is possible, that it could happen?  That your dreams could come true?  I would.  I tell myself everyday that the future is much brighter than today and every day I am closer to that future.

So to "life", I say, "I do".

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

SONNET XVII

Pablo Neruda  

Happy New Year! Not just a resolution!

Plain and simple, right?  Happy New Year to everyone out there.  As I look back on all of 2010's past posts, I see that life goes on and you gotta keep up with it!  I've survived 2 years now and am in a better place than ever.  Obviously I'm home tonight for failure to plan things correctly, lol.  But It's only pushing me to push myself harder and faster this year.  It will be a year of more mature steps.  I'll be driving, getting back into the workout circuit and fluttering around again like the social butterfly that I was.  

I'm extremely grateful for those of you who've kept my platform steady, who have assured me of every step being o.k. to take.  I am coming to close to being a better version of my former self, and will surpass my old life by miles! 

God is Good, in fact, He's AWESOME!!!

God bless everyone who has supported, protected, and encouraged me.  May I continue to pay it forward.  I read this in a Facebook post earlier, "Care for those who cannot care for themselves.".  I think that's a good way to think of our fellow humans.  Care for those who are physically, spiritually, emotionally, and socially disabled.  Hug someone for crying out loud, lol.

Cheers to 2011!

May you laugh a lot and out loud.

May you find peace and healing in your lives.

May you find your purpose and discover yourself more through out this journey.

May God fill you with hope, love, and joy.

Philippians 3:13-14

¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

The Jabberwocky

I started this a few days ago and decided to finish it.  I tend to do that.  I start writing, I get inspired, I get distracted, then life takes me hostage again.  But I know it's important to keep account of feelings, especially when we'd rather not...

I cried this morning and remembered   ...   I can slay the Jabberwocky.   I watch a lot of t.v. 

I'm unsure if it's the whole "reticular activator" theory, but I seem to be more aware of wheelchairs everywhere I go.  I'm not a "gleek", but I really enjoy the show and unconsciously focus on Artie, the wheelchair-bound student that sings in the Glee Club.  I identify with the chair and loving to sing and keep an eye on his character.  For the Christmas episode, his girlfriend asks Santa to give Artie new legs and through a series of good will choices, he ends up with a robotic system that enables him to walk.  I've seen it on the net and it's roughly around $100,000.00.  Then I'm listening to the Bruno Marz song "Just the Way You Are", and I do a mini spiral into the whole, "Will I find someone to love me just the way I am, and will they think I'm perfect?" thought pattern again.

After watching the DVR recording of Glee, I went on to watch Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland.  I think it's great regardless of popular opinion.  Alice thinks of 6 impossibles before doing the impossible, and that last one was, "I can slay the Jabberwocky".  And I thought, nothing is impossible, especially when I have God's constant peace and assurance stabilizing my every step so that I can confidently walk forward.

But yes, it's Christmas time and my 2 year anniversary is coming up.  This year has been one of challenges and triumph......and then more challenges.  Isn't that the way life is?

I'm afraid of being alone, even though mom (my pillar of strength) and many friends remind me that I don't need to fear loneliness.  And I know that God will never leave my side.  Mom says that I don't need a man in my life, then I think of Adam and Eve.  I'm pretty sure that God knew that we could or would get lonely and need companionship.  A special relationship between two people meant to spend their lives with each other.  Sigh.

But enough of that.  For now I'm staying busy with eBay, Christmas shopping, bills, friends, and work.  I'm grateful for everything I have,and for what I DON'T have.  Looking towards the future and knowing that I have loved ones holding my hands as I take those next steps make it worth while.  It's the journey after all, isn't it?

I CAN slay the Jabberwocky.