I do...

The New Year has been full of many things.  I continue to fight on, rehabilitate, choose life, and laugh a lot just to get through the rough spots because honestly it's a bigger, more deliberate, choice to "go on".  God seems to know how to keep me busy or better yet, occupied, distracted.  Amidst the daily distractions of bills, physical therapy, ridiculous Access Paratransit rides, support groups, and so on, I find that once again, I'm caught in a wave of weddings.  I survived the first wave of weddings about 6 years ago.  Being a brides maid in 2 weddings in one year as well as attending a few others around the country.  

A girlfriend from Jr. High and one befriended within the last 6 years got married 2 weeks apart from each other.  My brother married on January 8 of this year, and many of my girlfriends are engaged.  I used to hate the idea of being a bridesmaid, but I hate it especially now.  Being in the wheelchair is frustrating but I found that love conquers all.  Loving my brother made it easy to make the choice of being a bridesmaid and it was great.  The wedding went off without a hitch.

But an even greater honor was in the mix.  One of my best girlfriends in the universe got engaged to her boyfriend.  When she asked me to be her Maid of Honor I said no at first because of my pride, but after deep thought I couldn't wait to say Yes.  Initially, only doubts came to mind, but I cannot tell you how happy it makes me to be there for her so I agreed to do it.

These past few weddings were like fairytale endings for my girlfriends who thought that they'd never find love.  They didn't just marry, they have all married their best friends.  Isn't that like love x 10?? lol.  Having the ability to see them live their dreams makes me happy.

I wish I could go back 20 years to tell them all that their lives would be shared with someone exceptional and that their past would not interfere or put a damper on their futures.  That life would be completely different than once anticipated.  I'll pay it forward and tell those that I currently know that their lives will be better than they could have ever expected.  You might wonder how anyone could make such promises, but after being told everyday by the world and all it's inhabitants that you're not good enough, wouldn't you want someone telling you that as far fetched as it sounds that the impossible is possible, that it could happen?  That your dreams could come true?  I would.  I tell myself everyday that the future is much brighter than today and every day I am closer to that future.

So to "life", I say, "I do".

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

SONNET XVII

Pablo Neruda  

Happy New Year! Not just a resolution!

Plain and simple, right?  Happy New Year to everyone out there.  As I look back on all of 2010's past posts, I see that life goes on and you gotta keep up with it!  I've survived 2 years now and am in a better place than ever.  Obviously I'm home tonight for failure to plan things correctly, lol.  But It's only pushing me to push myself harder and faster this year.  It will be a year of more mature steps.  I'll be driving, getting back into the workout circuit and fluttering around again like the social butterfly that I was.  

I'm extremely grateful for those of you who've kept my platform steady, who have assured me of every step being o.k. to take.  I am coming to close to being a better version of my former self, and will surpass my old life by miles! 

God is Good, in fact, He's AWESOME!!!

God bless everyone who has supported, protected, and encouraged me.  May I continue to pay it forward.  I read this in a Facebook post earlier, "Care for those who cannot care for themselves.".  I think that's a good way to think of our fellow humans.  Care for those who are physically, spiritually, emotionally, and socially disabled.  Hug someone for crying out loud, lol.

Cheers to 2011!

May you laugh a lot and out loud.

May you find peace and healing in your lives.

May you find your purpose and discover yourself more through out this journey.

May God fill you with hope, love, and joy.

Philippians 3:13-14

¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

The Jabberwocky

I started this a few days ago and decided to finish it.  I tend to do that.  I start writing, I get inspired, I get distracted, then life takes me hostage again.  But I know it's important to keep account of feelings, especially when we'd rather not...

I cried this morning and remembered   ...   I can slay the Jabberwocky.   I watch a lot of t.v. 

I'm unsure if it's the whole "reticular activator" theory, but I seem to be more aware of wheelchairs everywhere I go.  I'm not a "gleek", but I really enjoy the show and unconsciously focus on Artie, the wheelchair-bound student that sings in the Glee Club.  I identify with the chair and loving to sing and keep an eye on his character.  For the Christmas episode, his girlfriend asks Santa to give Artie new legs and through a series of good will choices, he ends up with a robotic system that enables him to walk.  I've seen it on the net and it's roughly around $100,000.00.  Then I'm listening to the Bruno Marz song "Just the Way You Are", and I do a mini spiral into the whole, "Will I find someone to love me just the way I am, and will they think I'm perfect?" thought pattern again.

After watching the DVR recording of Glee, I went on to watch Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland.  I think it's great regardless of popular opinion.  Alice thinks of 6 impossibles before doing the impossible, and that last one was, "I can slay the Jabberwocky".  And I thought, nothing is impossible, especially when I have God's constant peace and assurance stabilizing my every step so that I can confidently walk forward.

But yes, it's Christmas time and my 2 year anniversary is coming up.  This year has been one of challenges and triumph......and then more challenges.  Isn't that the way life is?

I'm afraid of being alone, even though mom (my pillar of strength) and many friends remind me that I don't need to fear loneliness.  And I know that God will never leave my side.  Mom says that I don't need a man in my life, then I think of Adam and Eve.  I'm pretty sure that God knew that we could or would get lonely and need companionship.  A special relationship between two people meant to spend their lives with each other.  Sigh.

But enough of that.  For now I'm staying busy with eBay, Christmas shopping, bills, friends, and work.  I'm grateful for everything I have,and for what I DON'T have.  Looking towards the future and knowing that I have loved ones holding my hands as I take those next steps make it worth while.  It's the journey after all, isn't it?

I CAN slay the Jabberwocky.

Work it out!

I'm pooped. Today, I officially started REAL physical therapy. I knew the time had come so I signed up for more outpatient physical therapy. It's an out-of-pocket expense, roughly about $180/45-60 min. session,but I've been loved on a lot with monetary donations and decided that this is where I would spend it. Rehab will take months, if not years, to achieve the desired results....a.k.a. walking, so I'll still be trying to get financial aid. I'll haggle with the Rehab Unit director, call my HMO, stalk my doctor's for letters requesting treatment and coverage at this facility, and if all else fails, I'll write Oprah!

I am working with a crazy woman named Gloria and I love it. She worked me so hard that I'll be going to bed early for once. The initial evaluation was hard to hear. Evidently my entire back is too weak to support myself and will require a lot of attention and work. While working out I knew that this is what I wanted, what I had waited for. I don't think I've ever wanted anything so bad before, so worked through the pain, I twisted, scooted, plopped, raised, I turned, basically everything I was afraid to do. I trust Gloria and Northridge Hospital Medical Center. I'll keep this blog updated with the physical journey.Oh! And on a final note, I did a transfer today (moving my body from surface to surface) for the first time without a board! whew

Ok, now for some zzzzzzs.

G'nite.