The Jabberwocky

I started this a few days ago and decided to finish it.  I tend to do that.  I start writing, I get inspired, I get distracted, then life takes me hostage again.  But I know it's important to keep account of feelings, especially when we'd rather not...

I cried this morning and remembered   ...   I can slay the Jabberwocky.   I watch a lot of t.v. 

I'm unsure if it's the whole "reticular activator" theory, but I seem to be more aware of wheelchairs everywhere I go.  I'm not a "gleek", but I really enjoy the show and unconsciously focus on Artie, the wheelchair-bound student that sings in the Glee Club.  I identify with the chair and loving to sing and keep an eye on his character.  For the Christmas episode, his girlfriend asks Santa to give Artie new legs and through a series of good will choices, he ends up with a robotic system that enables him to walk.  I've seen it on the net and it's roughly around $100,000.00.  Then I'm listening to the Bruno Marz song "Just the Way You Are", and I do a mini spiral into the whole, "Will I find someone to love me just the way I am, and will they think I'm perfect?" thought pattern again.

After watching the DVR recording of Glee, I went on to watch Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland.  I think it's great regardless of popular opinion.  Alice thinks of 6 impossibles before doing the impossible, and that last one was, "I can slay the Jabberwocky".  And I thought, nothing is impossible, especially when I have God's constant peace and assurance stabilizing my every step so that I can confidently walk forward.

But yes, it's Christmas time and my 2 year anniversary is coming up.  This year has been one of challenges and triumph......and then more challenges.  Isn't that the way life is?

I'm afraid of being alone, even though mom (my pillar of strength) and many friends remind me that I don't need to fear loneliness.  And I know that God will never leave my side.  Mom says that I don't need a man in my life, then I think of Adam and Eve.  I'm pretty sure that God knew that we could or would get lonely and need companionship.  A special relationship between two people meant to spend their lives with each other.  Sigh.

But enough of that.  For now I'm staying busy with eBay, Christmas shopping, bills, friends, and work.  I'm grateful for everything I have,and for what I DON'T have.  Looking towards the future and knowing that I have loved ones holding my hands as I take those next steps make it worth while.  It's the journey after all, isn't it?

I CAN slay the Jabberwocky.

Work it out!

I'm pooped. Today, I officially started REAL physical therapy. I knew the time had come so I signed up for more outpatient physical therapy. It's an out-of-pocket expense, roughly about $180/45-60 min. session,but I've been loved on a lot with monetary donations and decided that this is where I would spend it. Rehab will take months, if not years, to achieve the desired results....a.k.a. walking, so I'll still be trying to get financial aid. I'll haggle with the Rehab Unit director, call my HMO, stalk my doctor's for letters requesting treatment and coverage at this facility, and if all else fails, I'll write Oprah!

I am working with a crazy woman named Gloria and I love it. She worked me so hard that I'll be going to bed early for once. The initial evaluation was hard to hear. Evidently my entire back is too weak to support myself and will require a lot of attention and work. While working out I knew that this is what I wanted, what I had waited for. I don't think I've ever wanted anything so bad before, so worked through the pain, I twisted, scooted, plopped, raised, I turned, basically everything I was afraid to do. I trust Gloria and Northridge Hospital Medical Center. I'll keep this blog updated with the physical journey.Oh! And on a final note, I did a transfer today (moving my body from surface to surface) for the first time without a board! whew

Ok, now for some zzzzzzs.

G'nite.

The Hills Are Alive - With the Sound of ......

I came home to a nice quiet house which is rare and most welcome.  After a long Access ride and 4 stops, stretching from Manchester to the far ends of the San Fernando Valley, while surrounded by the sounds of KRZA a.k.a. La Raza radio station  (Mexican Polka and love songs), yes, quiet is most welcome.

Usually I'm greeted by 2 overly excited doggies (which I love) and a soundtrack of mom cooking/bustling around the house, Ollie and/or Kat talking, watching t.v., playing games, listening to music to workout to, and the animals stampeding up and down the stairs while conversing with one another.  All this is accented by overtones of the house phone ringing incessantly with calls regarding home repair, my brother's friend's phone calls, lawyers and collection agencies looking for my dad, who is M.I.A., and charities looking for donations.  (You donate once and you're on the "hot" list, I swear!).  


We also have something called "dueling banjos".  It's the sound of all the t.v.s on at the same time.  Due to the build of the house and the physics of acoustics, me and Ollie play "dueling banjos".  You know like when a commercial comes on at about 10 decibels louder than the program you're watching and you adjust to not hear the commercial, then adjust the volume again so you can hear what's going on in the show you're watching??? lol. Thank God for DVR.  In addition to our capability to skip t.v. commercials by watching recordings, I've conformed to watching t.v. on my laptop with headphones and watching actual t.v. at about 2 a.m.  


2 a.m. is one of my favorite times of the day.  It's quiet.  I can watch t.v. or read, but then I won't get any sleep.  So, I  end up staying up late if I know I'm off the next day.  :)

And, occasionally we have guests, my brother's close friends, which love to hang out at the house and talk about life because they're at the age where life is becoming more "real".  You know, the mid to late 20's.  Everything old to us is new to them and they have to share, sometimes commiserate.  Me and my brother tend to be great listeners and attract people who want to share.

Don't get me wrong, I love having company now and again, but sometimes, sometimes, SOMETIMES, 


I  -  just  -  want  -  quiet........

Pay It Forward

Sorry, this is a wordy one. :)

I'm secretly apathetic towards most things.  I'm the person that loves to support from afar, never up close and personal; like giving for fundraisers, blood donations (well I guess that's pretty up close and personal), donations of time and money to worthy causes.  Never once have I desired to step out and initiate a movement partially because I'm apathetic towards educating myself about a topic and partially because it's time that I don't want to promise anyone if I can't follow through, though in every social circle I'm a part of, exists amazing people that selflessly fight the good fight.  Ones who protest and push for equality, justice, acceptance, peace, provision and truth.

Locally, there are many who use their artistic gifts to put together fundraisers to support causes and needs that often go overlooked.  A select few have gone as far as leaving the country to physically involve themselves; South America to build homes, Mexico to support the Zapatista Movement, Sudan to be ministry (not just support it),  the Middle East to support peaceful solutions (while often risking their lives), Tibet to fight for independence, and so on.  One of my girlfriends even met the Dalai Lama, the Dalai Lama! These are selfless acts fueled by passion and conviction.

Within a new circle of friends, those with SCI (spinal cord injuries), I've seen even more feats of the human spirit triumphing over some of the worst physical conditions.  Your mind and will are strengthened and pushed beyond boundaries when free of the body and all material things that you attach your body to.

I experience guilt for my lack of desire to get involved with things outside of my immediate consciousness .  Even now, while in the "bonus" time of life, I haven't done more, knowing that I possess ability, resources, and a passionate fire waiting to be released at the right time.  I've done some public speaking and have had a radical change in demeanor (meaning I'm not as much of a crazy bitch, lol).  Nothing really gets me angry anymore aside from ignorance.    Yet I still resist being a part of bigger things that could help people because it never feels quite right.  Either the people aren't right, the motives, the REAL motives don't feel kosher, or the timing feels off.  It's so selfish though I've been told it's not.  It's selfish, period.

Now and then opportunities present themselves, fund-raising events and social gatherings that support people with spinal cord injuries (SCIs) and groups which bring public awareness and education in regards to  SCI survivors, caregivers, needs, and ADA laws.  I've "supported", but haven't jumped in - again -.

On my way home last week, we picked up a passenger from UCLA Medical Center, a fellow wheelchair user, and I was my usual cordial self, and we dialoged instead of me sleeping (or pretending to sleep so I'd be left alone) or listening to my iPod.  People who share common interests tend to be more immediately social, but those who know me know that I'm ALWAYS social (a.k.a. talkative).  No alcohol required. :)

His name is Brian and he is an immigrant from South Korea.  After a short dialog, I found out that he came here as a child but has been disabled with Cerebral Palsy since he was 6 months old as a result of a surgery (something along that line).  He lives in an independent living facility and makes no money because he can't work, even though he's tried.  He's a slow learner but taught himself how to read and write English.  What??  That's amazing.  The family tends to leave him be and don't really acknowledge him when it comes to family functions. It sounds pretty messed up to me.   Government assistance is enough to pay rent and necessary bills, but leaves him with nothing to enjoy afterwards.

I considered this an ideal opportunity to invite him to the SCI support group.  He doesn't have a spinal cord injury but is a wheelchair user like us.  In fact there's a good part of our group in wheelchairs as a result of  autoimmune diseases.  He was thrilled to hear about a group that would understand him, embrace him, and help him.  No one understands you like a fellow sufferer.  You know....birds of a feather.

For the first time, I felt like paying it forward.  I hadn't had this kind of desire to help someone in a longtime because I felt incapable.  How could I help someone when I couldn't figure out things on my end?  But I did.  My motives and pool of resources would be used to help someone else in need.   Now another piece of recovery is unlocked and it feels right to be "capable" again.